A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can I make peace with my absuive childhood? My parents were absuvice verbally and physically towards each other - and raised me in that environments - I cannot remember a day of peace - they are way too judgemetnatl - my father is a man that is selfish - ignorant and careless and my mother is negligent and unstable.I am stuck living with them at 31 because I am supporting a good friend in need temporarily like they supported me when I needed them. I have not told my parents because they are well all those things above - there are moments when living with them I get so mad that they cannot be the normal - accepting parents - ones that help people in need - ones that are not ignorantI hate them - I hate them so much that it eats me up sometimes as I have to live with them I have to live with them for another year as I cannot afford to help a friend in need and move out but I am embarrased that my parents see this and choose to turn their heads I feel this rage and also this disappointment - I've fought with them and told them I think they are worthless but I still hold angerHow can I let this go? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 September 2017):
 At 31 you should be standing on your own two feet and not free loading from your parents, you should be thankful that even though you have gotten angry with them and called them names they still allow you to live under there roof as a fully grown adult. That is more than a lot off parents would put up with. Time to stop making excuses and build a life for yourself. Get your own place and stop blaming your parents for everything.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (5 September 2017):
 There’s details left out of your story, mixed priorities, have to live with parents, supporting a good friend in turn... Because anyone can see you immediately need to get an income to remove yourself from their place.
Other than that, take your parents out of the equation and they’re just 2 horrid people you’re aware of existing on this planet which you happen to share house with temporarily until things improve. Here you need to adopt or associate with positive friends/people who are like mined as you to replace these toxic misfits. (Remember, Friends are the family we choose.)
And despite all their verbal physical abuse, judgmental, selfish, ignorant, carelessness, negligent and unstable qualities; YOU on the plus side developed into a supportive, caring, compassionate (yet frustrated) human being – quite the opposite!?
Perhaps exercise a bit of that compassion on them for they know not what they do. Accept things you cannot change, do not dwell in anger about those whom injured or deprived you as it robs you not them of sleep. Be the victor not the victim.
Sadly they utterly deserve one another’s misery for now, but you are grown to defend yourself from this anger taking root in your system.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 September 2017):
 Tell us a bit more about this friend in need . Why supporting her befalls on you, can you really afford supporting her, and since/ for how long. How come supporting your friend in need comes in your list of priorities way before taking care of yourself and of your urgent, important needs,like moving ou and building a goodfuture for yourself.
I think we all dream of parents who will be " supportive " of any our moves and decisions, but the reality ,some times, is that we are not immune from mistakes and we do take wrong , self- damaging decisions, for which is naive and unwarranted to expect support.
We are still free to do whatever we want to, even if it's something wrong, foolish or dangerous- but we can't demand other people 's unconditional support.
I am saying this, because, although I take friendship very seriously, even more than family relationships, and gratitude as well- it sounds to me that your first immediate priority should be removing yourself from an environement that's toxic for you , or anyway causes remarkable pain - and a good , sincere friend would understand that and AGREE that right now your personal plans must be your absolute priority.
I have too a dear friend who has fallen on bad times, I try to help out as much and as discreetly and inobtrusively as I can ( since she is a proud person ). For instance, I invited her on a 3 days getaway abroad we are taking soon, - I figured out that anyway paying for a double room will only cost me maybe 30% more than a single, and I will alsooffer a little break to a person who can use it. That, she will accept; BUT my friend would not dream to ask or accept that I'd support her financially in full- even if that were technically possible, which is not- because she knows , for instance, that I have a son who is not settled in his career yet,.. one day I may have grandkids,... and anyway I am not getting any younger and I need to think of MY financial future and not endangering it ,even for a good cause.
How come your good friend does not have a problem in keeping you stuck in a situation that you hate so much and gives you so much pain- as long as SHE gets the dough , and SHE gets her needs met ?
How come neither YOU nor your friend think of your personal needs as priorities ?
Thare must be more to the story, I guess, but the way you put it- you can't complain that " you got stuck " with your parents. You DECIDED to stay where you are, and it's not your parents' fault if the decisions you make are not conducive to your emotional wellbeing.
This , to explain what, IMO , is the first thing you can do to release some of your anger ( well, the third, in fact : the first would be moving out and putting some physical distance between you and your parents , the second, workong with a therapist to learn how to handle better your negative enotions )- * taking responsibility *. If you are not happy with your life or with your living conditions- it's too easy and convenient to blame it all on mom and dad .Very few people get perfect parenting, and ues of course there are toxic parents and toxic families which may cause much unhappiness- but it's more correlation than causation.
Meaning, it's not just because you grew up in an imperfect family, that you do not have the life you want. There's plenty of people who grew up abused, deprived, neglected, shuttled from a foster home to another ... some do end up in jail or on drugs etc.- and many others , probably more, live successful, productive, satisfying lifes.
It's not the hand of cards you are dealt with- it's how you play them. Of course , you have to learn to play them right, if you want to get something out of life other than anger and frustration.
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