A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi cupid, quick question. I think I might be gay but I don't want to be. Nowadays when people say they are gay everybody jumps up saying its ok and that you're born that way and we don't have a choice and stuff like that but I don't think I believe that.I'm not trying to step on anybodys toes but I just don't want to be gay. I don't want to be attracted to men. I think its wrong. I see it this way, if I'm a drunk and love drinking, just because I like it does that make it right? If I like to smoke, just because I like smoking and it makes me feel comfortable does that make it ok? No, I don't think so. So why should I lead a lifestyle I don't feel, comfortable with because eveybody else thinks I'm born that way.The catch is I don't know how to stop having these feelings. Just because someone might know smoking is wrong doesn't mean they can just stop at the drop of a hat. I pray about it sometimes but what else can I do?Please help me. What can I do to stop liking men?
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female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (29 February 2012):
 HI
I have to disagree with some on here (sorry guys/gals)lol
You are NOT born gay . And its ludicrous to think so. However over time you begin to learn life, and who you are, wether you like who you are or what you become is a choice. Some will disagree big time with me here, but we ALWAYS have a choice, ifs its the right choice or not , thats what you have to decide. I agree with you can not stop who you fall inlove with, the heart wants what the heart wants theres no denying that. But I ask you, what is it that makes you say you DONT want to be gay and that its wrong? Who said its wrong? homophobics? The Bible? your family? Who is anyone to tell you what is right for YOU and what is wrong for YOU? I also agree with the longer you fight these feelings, the harder your life will be to deal with. Pretending to be straight and trying to live what people call a NORMAL life....I think you should seek counciling to help you come to terms with being gay, and help you to deal with coming out to your family and friends, I dont think you have anything to be ashamed of. Worrying about what others might think of you ...thats not you living your life, thats you living the life of what you think other people expect of you. Just because one might be gay, dont make you less of a man, just because im a single mother it dont me a crap mother, we are who we are, trying to deny that is wrong, wrong for your mind body and soul. be proud of who you are, you have one life so live it for yourself and noone else.
Mandy x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): Don't compare being gay with drinking/smoking problems. Drinking/smoking is a choice. Being gay is NOT. You are who you are. The sooner you can accept yourself, the sooner you'll find peace. I know it's difficult. Like you, I couldn't accept myself when I was your age. I tried to date multiple girls (even slept with some) hoping that I could somehow turn straight. Many years passed by. My feeling toward men hasn't changed a bit. Then I realized that I have two choice: either continue living the fake life (pretend to like women to fit in) or accept myself. I did the latter. I know it's not easy. It took me over a decade to accept myself. I wish you luck, man. Being gay is something you CANNOT change. Period.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): I'm going to say something, and I don't want it to undermine anything you just said, okay?I want to be six feet tall. Maybe then people would stop thinking I was a frail little prettyboy who would break if anyone held me too tight. I might be taken a little more seriously. But in my heart, I know I can never be that way, because I was simply born with it. I have to live with it, even if I might never like it.You don't want to be gay, but it isn't going to go away. Isn't it better to just accept it begrudgingly instead of ignoring it and either getting in a relationship with a woman (which will not be fulfilling for you, or fair on her) or being alone forever, which doesn't sound very fun either. Life isn't all about your sexuality, even if it might feel like it right now. There are many other aspects; your sexuality is just a minor part of it, like the colour of your hair or your height. You don't have to jump up and yell it from the rooftops. Just... accept that it's the way you are. Everything else will come in time.
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A
male
reader, Pingu22 +, writes (14 February 2012):
Put simply, you can't. It's just not possible to change the object of your sexual desires. You can't decide who or what turns you on - you simply discover it, admit it to yourself and try to live with it the best you can.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (12 February 2012):
 sexuality isn't the same as addictive behaviour.
you chose to have gay sex or to not have gay sex but you dont chose the feelings you have and they are not something you can control whereas you can train yourself to avoid smoking and drinking and eventually these cravings will die down.
love does not work this way.
maybe you need to look at what aspects of the gay lifestyle you don't agree with and then avoid these aspects.
its possible to find love with a man and not conform to gay stereotypes some of which as a gay man myself i find tacky and unappealing.
just have some acceptance and dont change yourself to fit a stereotype but maybe consider exploring an aspect of life that might give you happiness.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): It's not wrong because you actually were born attracted to men. It's a mindset. You can't compare drinking and smoking because they are unhealthy for you and that's why it's not ok to do them but being gay isn't something you're doing wrong or something you're addicted to and need to stop because it's unhealthy. So once again, you can't compare those things. Just be yourself. Stop caring what the rest of the world says and do what you want to do, be who you want to be, fuck who you want to fuck, and stop worrying that you wont fit in. When people say they are ok with it then they probably are. When people say you were born that way, you really were. Your thought's of men being attractive were most likely in your brain the whole time so it isn't just a phrase, that straight people say, to make gay people feel better. It's a phrase that anyone can say to anyone to let them know that any insecurity they might have is something that they didn't bring upon themselves and that it's not always bad to be a little different. Hell, it can be a little fun. So please for the love of god don't go your whole life not living like you want to and being a closet case, because you will not be happy and you only have one life to live. So live it the way you want. If you don't want to tell people, don't. It's not their business, it's yours. Find people who accept you and you'll be plenty comfortable in that environment, being yourself.
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A
female
reader, naley  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 If you want to overcome it, then part of you isn't ok with it and part of you is. Have you had girlfriends? Just curious because I see your age group I'm wondering what life up until now has been like? You said you think you may be gay. Does this mean you are not attracted to women? Either way whatever happens I hope you find happiness and a true feeling of acceptance with whatever path you go on :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): Whether you are attracted to men, women, or both is part of your genetic makeup, just like your hair and eye color and whether you are left- or right-handed.If you don't like the color of your hair, you can dye it and convince everyone around you that your hair is black instead of brown. But your real hair color will always be brown -- you always have to keep dying the roots to maintain the illusion that it's black.Handedness is an even better example. My father was naturally left-handed. When he was growing up during the Depression, being left-handed was considered a bad thing, and teachers insisted that he write with his right hand. He learned to write right-handed but he's had to struggle with writing all his life because of this, and his handwriting is hard to read. On the other hand, an ambidextrous person is able to choose which hand to write with. If my father were ambidextrous he could've learned to write with his right hand easily and well. Instead he (and many others of his generation) were forced to conform to a rigid societal norm against his genetic nature.You can see where I'm going with this ... if you're attracted to women as well as to men, you can choose whether to become involved romantically with either gender. Even if you choose to date only women, however, your attraction to other men is not going to go away. You can treat it as attraction to a married woman and not act on it. But as others have said, if you're only attracted to men, then you're gay. You will never be able to manufacture long-term attraction for women (you might be able to do so for short periods). Under these circumstances it's not fair to a potential girlfriend/wife to pretend that you are heterosexual when you are not.Ultimately, if you are gay then coming to terms with it is the best path to making peace with yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): YouWish's reply is the best IMO. I'm sorry to hear that you can't accept who you are. I was like you when I was around your age. I tried to date women to fit in to the majority. It didn't work. I wasted my youth and theirs for many years. It took me over ten years to really accept who I am. Being a homosexual is not a choice. It's nature. I hope you don't lose your precious youth trying to "fit in" like I did. It's not wrong being gay. We're just a minority. :-(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): I believe we have choice in regards to sexuality. We all have weaknesses we should strive to overcome. They never seem to post my response mainly because the world deems its antiquated or not politically correct.
Yet I say and hold this belief to be true on many things of this life.
As a child, we do not have a lot of options on who we choose as family, who we trust in our care, or where we should be.
As we age, we do become stewards over our thoughts, our emotions, our feelings, our words, our actions.
So we can choose to accept our family or find others who are deserving of such a honourific title.
With Sexuality, I believe we are meant to be in control of our passions, our lust, our libido, our wants and desires. I have never been one to think because others are 'weaker' in such areas; they should just do what they feel comes naturally. Yet somehow- they exclude this 'right' to not include sexual predators or serial cheaters. So when do we draw the line?
It is up to us as an individual.
I think your predictament is about not overly focusing on the desires of homosexuality, but focus more on not having those desires, those thoughts, and choose to push away and retrain your brain and desires. I think, with all weaknesses, they can be turned into strengths. This means, we can learn and grow and choose to be more than the body or the desire.
We can choose to be how we want and view ourselves to be; for you a better? version of yourself? I'm not sure how you view yourself.
You are an amazing individual that has great promise and if you strive hard to overcome whatever struggles you have; they can be overcome. It takes courage, drive, the will and following through on the promise to change.
I say this and hope people who struggle with addictions and/or weaknesses can take heart and realize we are designed to endure and acheive whatever we choose to, so long as it is done with seriousness of heart and goodly, pure intentions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): You CAN'T help it. They used to try electric shock therapy with homosexuals who felt particularly unable to cope with the reality of their sexual identity. Even then, it rarely worked. Obviously every consenting sexual encounter involves an element of free choice, but you have no choice at all about wanting, or more accurately needing, men to satisfy your sexual needs. I tried SO hard to not be gay. Didn't work. I recommend self-acceptance.
Read up on this stuff if you have the time. Hope it works out
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 February 2012):
 I don't wish to be 5'2" any more. I can change that with high heels... it's still fake and phoney.... I had to learn to embrace the whole tiny petite girl thing... it sucks at my age to be called CUTE... but it's what us short people get called...
My brother is gay. He figured it out as a young teen nearly 40 years ago when it was not as acceptable as it is now.
We once talked about it... and he said "sure I would LOVE not to be gay, I want the wife, the white picket fence, 2.5 kids a dog and a station wagon... but it's NOT who I am, it would be a lie." he paused and then this openly gay man who is madly in love with his husband said to me
'NOBODY CHOOSES TO BE GAY, YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE'
you can choose to be non-sexual and have only friends or you can learn to love and embrace yourself and your sexuality.
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (5 February 2012):
 You cant overcome homosexuality, it's not a handicap!
If you really think what you like is wrong, then, like youwish said, become celibate! But if you just try to go against your own nature, you will end up miserable and unhappy.
Perhaps, if you feel this way, you should think to yourself, do you feel the same about women as you do men? If so, then you are bi, and you can still date women and be happy, but if you ONLY feel attracted to men, why bother getting into something meaningless with a woman?
And if you dont like women, and you feel that being gay is wrong, then the only option left is to not associate with either in a romantic or sexual way. Problem solved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): I agree with YouWish 100%. I am incredibly pale, so incredibly pale that in elementary school kids used to call me an albino. I can't go tanning, I'll just burn, and spray tans make me orange. I used to wish I was tan all the time, but now I actually like it. Since I have to put on so much sunscreen, I won't wrinkle as bad, and I have heard that fashion photographers actually like pale girls, as there is more that you can do with them and they are even more "interesting". Sure at times I want to be tanner, as my life would be easier, but being okay with who I am has changed me. I'm okay with being me, and its something I wish that everyone could have.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 February 2012):
 I'll start off by saying that I'm not judging you. What I'm about to say to you has not one bit of malice, nor scolding. What I hope to do is open your eyes a bit on who you are.
First, to compare homosexuality to smoking, drinking, or other unhealthy indulgences is inaccurate at best, and unfortunate at worst.
Let's say you're left-handed, yet the majority of the population is right-handed. Would you, because the population is right handed, wish to be "cured" and to "overcome" your left-handedness simply because society is more geared toward right-handed individuals? No way! It's because you'd be wired to be left-handed.
What if you were a hammer, and you felt it was wrong to pound nails, and would rather live the life of a screwdriver? That would be absurd!
You must be at peace with who you are. You do have a choice to be celibate or to date women, but you will not get rid of your sexual orientation for being attracted to guys.
The greater wrong in your life is to struggle against your nature, date and maybe marry a woman, only to realize that you are miserable and end up leaving her or worse, acting out and cheating on her.
If you truly feel like it's wrong to be gay, then you should be celibate and never act on your desires, because to go through the motions with women would be wrong if that's not who you are.
It sounds like religion is at the heart of what you're feeling. Maybe if you get many spiritual perspectives from people in your life, it might help. The problem though is how rigid people look on those who even dare to admit that they might be gay. So I suggest getting advice outside your local church, lest people overreact to your struggle.
But, since it's dearcupid, my personal opinion is that the sooner you're able to be at peace with who you are, the sooner your feelings of misery will pass.
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