A
female
age
36-40,
*ettyBoup
writes:I am in a wonderful relationship with a man I really, really adore. I am happy in every respect of the relationship, except the sexual side. I'm not really sure what the problem is. It's quite complicated so I'll try to explain it as best I can. I have never had an orgasm with a man before. I think it may be because I have been masturbating since very young and have an unusual technique. I clench my thigh muscles with my palm between my legs. I have got so used to this I have never been able to come any other way. The problem is my boyfriend feels like he is disappointing me every time we have sex because of this and also because he comes quite quickly. This is not a problem to me because we've worked out how to slow things down by stopping when he gets close and taking it slow. I am really worried because I think I've given him the impression that I think he's no good in bed. He appologises when he comes and makes jokes n comments about being bad in bed and having a small willy. I don't know what to say to him to tell him that he's not and that I don't think this. He is the most lovely, thoughtful, considerate partner and lover. When we started having sex he was so enthusiastic and we tried all sorts of positions I'd never tried. We have had some fantastic sex throughout our relationship.Another issue is that I have a higher sex drive than him probably because he is 16 years older than me. So sometimes I feel frustrated and sad that he doesn't want to have sex with me as much as I do. I know our sex drives will not change and we'll have to learn to compromise, but this is another element of the situation.What I am trying to say is that I love this guy to pieces. I want to have a fantastic sex life with him and I want to learn to be able to have an orgasm with him. I have managed to give him the impression that I am dissapointed with our sex life or that he's not good in bed. In a way I am because I cant let go somehow and have an orgasm. It's not because he's not good in bed, he is. I want him to feel that he is good in bed so that he looks forward to having sex with me, rather than worrying about it thinking he'll dissapoint me. I really adore him and want to have a good sex life with him. How do I go about changing things?
View related questions:
muscle, orgasm, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): Wow, Double M, you have been very very very busy!
A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (22 February 2009):
 Well, masturbating yourself is fine but no solution to the issues you expressed. The clear and only solution is for your mate to educate himself about female sexuality and the physical aspects of making love. I've been explaining these things, including detailed steps, for much more than a year now, and all the writings are archived on this Web site. Just enter some or all of the following phrases in the search field at the top of each page, and add any number of sex related topics for my input and suggestions.
Of course, these writings were offered in hope that the information might help others dealing with sexual issues. My input is based on the professional research of others (which I studied), my personal experiences and considerable observation and personal research, but with no implied expertise. Just works for me and my lovers.
DoubleM on foreplay
DoubleM on orgasms
DoubleM on multiple orgasms
DoubleM on clitoral complex
DoubleM on female sexuality
DoubleM on clitoral stimulation
DoubleM on vaginal opening
DoubleM on climaxes
DoubleM on licking
DoubleM on labia
DoubleM on ejaculation
It goes on and on, just read and practice. DoubleM
...............................
A
female
reader, bettynotsweaty +, writes (22 February 2009):
no, i know what you mean. honestly this whole thing with small penises is ridiculous. big ones just hust!
my boyfriend is similar - i can tell he gets annoyed when he hasnt made me come, as if it wasnt as good as the previous one where i did, when in truth, whether i come or not is entirely down to me - friend tom is right about foreplay etc, but it is your job to ensure that you have enough and of the right kind- men, alas, are not mind readers (if they were, then we would have a whole other bag of worms).
if you think you could handle sex after (i cant), then why not get yourself off first, and then get him to jump aboard. that way, sex becomes pressure free for him - its impossible to dissappoint a woman when she has come already, and you can focus on rebuilding his ego (which you suggest is starting to dent) - the key is lots of moaning, and compliments he will believe - if he thinks his penis is small, then dont say its ginormus, just say his technique is amazing, or hes incredibly sexy, or you dont think you will ever walk again (guys, do not panic, these are not lines that we just say, they are all true - its the same thing as a girl saying shes fat - you will never convince her otherwise, so compliment her on something else instead).
then think about climaxing during sex.
...............................
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (22 February 2009):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for your advice guys. You've given me lots of things to think about. We don't noramally take it so seriusly, we laugh and joke about it n have fun with it a lot. But he did actually say to me once, and he's made comments since, that he sometimes dreads having sex with me because he thinks he disapoints me. And he makes jokes about it n havin a small willy and I dont want to say anything in case I say the wrong thing. He hasnt got a huge willy but I dont care about that. I just don't know how to make him believe that he is good in bed and that he doesn't disapoint me. I was shocked when he told me and now I worry about it and how to make him see this and make it better. I have gotten frustrated because I dont come but Ive never blamed him or his technique, I know its my self consciousness and things, not him. I will take your advice and try more of the foreplay and masturbation before hand route and see how that goes. Thanks guys!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): Hmmm...(thinking). Well, ahh, Betty, I am no expert on these questions and usually avoid them. You might get better advice from an auntie than an uncle, but I think I can speak from the "guy side". It is not uncommon for women your age to be slow to ermm climax during the actual lovemaking. I am sure your man knows this. He is not inexperienced, as you said. I can't really say what might be improved without knowing more, but just let me say that a lot of foreplay is always important. Is he taking enough time with this? Do you feel really ready for intercourse at the same time he is? I suspect he may be rushing things a bit. He may be accustomed to having relations with women older than you who are usually ready sooner and have less problem reaching orgasm. Sorry, hon, but that is the way it is. You may well feel you have a higher drive than he does..but that really may not be the case. I will make a suggestion or two that may or may not be useful. You say your primary form of achieving climax is by your system of self-manipulation. OK, why not incorporate this technique you use into the foreplay (?) You may be embarrassed to be so explicit in telling him how to do it, but how else is he to know? And this has to be a co-operative effort. I think you may have been just relying on him to "do his best" without contributing much yourself. Older women are usually not so shy or reticent. OK, that is my "tuppence" or "two bits" as we say in my country (smile). Take whatever you can from it. Hope it helped. Tom
...............................
A
female
reader, bettynotsweaty +, writes (22 February 2009):
i was the same until my current boyfriend.
things that worked for me = lying facedown with spread legs and him entering from behind (you get your clitoris and he gets your g spot). that and accepting myself - my body, my odd sex face etc.
but if this doesnt work, then show him how you get yourself off, and do it in front of him, alot. teach him to do it, or at least help (current boyfriend also a legend at this). you need to be comfortable coming in front of him, and little mutual masturbation never hurt anyone.
dont expect to come every time, and to be honest, ignore him for a little bit and concentrate on the feeling from your pussy - if you can get to a stage where you are just about to come, try letting him enter you just then.
as for the differing sex drives, try jumping him whenever you want, and if you focus alot on things he likes to do, (while also developing your own preferences) then perhaps he will get out of the habit of seeing sex as something he has to worry about.
(the female sex drive is highest in your mid thirties, the male in their early twenties).
this man obviously loves you to bits, and knows that variety is the spice of life - just try not to take sex too seriously!
...............................
|
