A
male
age
41-50,
*appyandhurt
writes:I have been searching for answers for sometime and haven't found anywhere to turn to for help. I hope you can offer some advise to a man after a divorce. There are soo many places for women to go but not men. I was married for 9 years with 3 kids. My wife decided she wanted a divorce. We were never violent and there was no abuse.We didn't drink or do drugs, and I don't think she cheated on me. I certainly never cheated on her. She has been tring to take me through the ringer for money and what triggered the divorce is I found out that she was sneaking behind my back planning for a divorce. She says she just didn't love me any more. Anyway, it wasn't long afer we seperated where I met someone new. I didn't really date much but we fell crazy in love, things went so quickly and now we are living together. I love her very much but I just don't feel like I can trust anyone let alone a new person. When she works late or works on weekends, I just feel terrible like someone is ripping my heart out. I didn't always feel this way. I think I just feel insecure about myself and how she feels about me even though she has reassured me of how she feels about me. I feel great when we are together but when I am not with her I feel like I just want to crawl into a corner and die. In my head I second guess everything she says, and everything she does. Its not fair to her as she has really done nothing to cause me to distrust her. I took the divorce very badly. I really just felt like I wanted to die for weeks and weeks. I could barely get out of bed to go to work, and I had to leave work several times. I was in soo much pain and I had so much anger and resentment. I just feel like its all still there and I don't want to ruin what could be a great relationship because of my past.I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): I think every person across the globe has suffered from this at one point and time in their lives. Believe me when I tell you, I have certainly been where you been. I have been betrayed in my marriage as well. Even though it was cheating, but it was betrayal just the same. I think that you should communicate with your new girlfriend what is going on with you. I can understand why you haven't because you feel that she is going to run like hell if you do. If she really loves you, she will be there with you every step of the way. I honestly think that you need counseling as well. You are still harboring the old bad feelings for your ex-wife. You shouldn't bring that into a new relationship. As long as you continue to hold on to that, you will feel the same way about every woman you decide to date. That is not fair to them. They didn't cause or create those feelings so it's up to you to rid yourself of them. My best advice is to communicate and go to counseling. Please involve your girlfriend so she can understand. Best of luck
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 October 2009):
You sound like you didn't give yourself enough time to actually get over your marriage. So you now have to take your relastionship slowly, or your new parter will feel second best and end up leaving. Have you tried speaking to her about how you feel. Maybe tell her that you feel insecure because of your previous experience and explain to her that you love her, but just need some reassurance. Hopefully, she'll listen and understand. But you must let her have her freedom. Just give yourself time and maybe even consider seeing a therapist to get all your feelings out so you can understand them. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (17 October 2009):
 What you're suffering with is both shame (associated with a failed marriage) and fear (that you'll be abandoned again).
In order to avoid these to issues, you need to try and focus on your relationship with your new girlfriend. As you said, she's done nothing to suggest, at least objectively, that she would ever harm you.
However, in your former marriage, your wife had simply, coldly planned to abandon you and then did so, putting you through both the emotional ringer and the financial ringer.
Now you're in a new relationship and this baggage from ex-wife is haunting you.
The best way to do this is to be as open, emotionally, and sharing emotionally with your current girlfriend. If you feel insecure about things, tell her that you know she's not doing anything to hurt you, but you want her to know how you feel. Ask her to help you too. If she truly does love you then she'd be more than willing to help you overcome this.
Obviously this is a situation where emotional damage was done by your ex-wife. And now you're still coping with that and haven't overcome it.
The good thing is you have a woman to share your life with now, and if she's as close to you as you say, then she's going to be there even if you feel insecure about things. Its better to let out the pain with her helping you, than continue to suffer like this all alone when she's out of sight.
The insecurity you're feeling has to be overcome. You need to be able to trust her and she needs to know you do love her no matter what.
Part of that trust initiative is letting her know she is important to you in your life, and, that you have fears but you need to overcome them with her help. That's a part of your relationship that needs to be solid. If you're both there for each other, then everything will work out for you and make you stronger as a couple.
Think of it as a partnership. If you're both working together towards a common goal (a happily ever after), then you need to work together as a couple.
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