A
male
age
36-40,
*itcher
writes:My gf and I met through mutal friends, I knew she was a virgin and planned to stay that way until she met`the perfect guy`` before we started dating.I am 23, she is 21. Its been over a year (14 months) and I respect her decision about sex. I will admit that after some pretty heated dates I have pleasured myself. A few weeks ago she went out with some friends and I was at home and I was horny so I went online and looked at porn and masterbated. She has a key to my apartment and in the middle of this she walked in. She was really upset and keep saying that I didnt love her and that I wasnt attracted to her. I tried explaining that that wasnt the case and that I do LOVE her (which I honestly do) and that Im not some porn freak but she wouldnt lsiten. She kept going on and on about how I wasnt attracted to her and I got frustrated and blurted out that if she pleasured me then I wouldnt have to do it myself. I didnt mean it in a rude way but I wanted her to see it had nothing to do with me not being attracted to her . We pretty much ended the fight at that and pretended nothing happened. The other day we were laying in bed and she kissed me. Things started going further then normal and she told me she wanted to have sex. of course being a guy that has been waiting a year to be with her I jumped at the chance but before things got to far I looked at her and she looked so sad. I didnt know if she was nervous or if she was only doing it because of the comment I made the other night. so I stopped and told her no and asked her why she wanted to do it. she got mad again and said that she knew I didnt love her. so I have a couple questions 1) how can I show her I do LOVE Her 2) how do I know she is really ready and not just saying this to prove something to me and 3) how can I make this the most amazing experience ever for her. If she is ready I want it to be the romantic and perfect for her.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (25 September 2011):
 Looks like she's got you in a classic "double bind".... you're damned if you DON'T have sex with her, believing as you do, that you're accomdating her preference to remain virgin..... AND, you're damned if you DON'T have sex with her, because that PROVES that you don't love her!!!!
So, the only solution seems to be to ignore her feelings and have sex with her.....
Good luck....
P.S. I KNOW that I wrote "if you DON'T have sex" both times. THAT, dear reader is the "double bind".....
A
female
reader, Madalo 1  +, writes (25 September 2011):
You're such a sweet guy. I'll have to agree it seems she wasnt ready for sex when she asked you for it. And congrats to you for being a patient guy for so long.1) you can show that you do love her by being there for her in every way that you can, be caring and sweet, shower her with compliments,etc.but be natural, dont be weird about it.2) don't bring up the subject of sex. Let her decide that you're the perfect man for her. When she says she wants to have it, ask her if she is sure and why she feels its time, and if you're really the one she's been waiting for. Coz you have to be on the safe side, you dont wanna force her into anything she's not ready for.3)when she's really sure its what she wants to do then you dont have to worry much about making it special, coz that decision on its own is something special. When she wants to get sexual, dont jump into sex. Like previous posters said you can do oral,etc then you can get to the sex. It has to progress slowly, maybe for a week or more so that she can familiarise herself before finally doing it. Use protection.Dont feel too bad about her being hesitant or whatever. Girls tend to be that way coz they're uncertain what comes after their virginity is gone, since you only get one chance to be a virgin. So, continue being patient and understanding. Im sure when it happens it will be special. Come back to update us after that.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 September 2011):
 I agree wtih janniepeg. Your girlfriend not only sounds virginal, but quite sheltered. It's hard to break religious and societal taboos if they've been taught since childhood.
In your girlfriend's case, she got hit with you looking at porn without understanding a man's needs. You and I both know that the whole "If you did it to me, I wouldn't have to take care of myself" is going to utterly blow up in your face, because she'll *really* get furious when she finds out that you won't be stopping that even after she wants sex from you.
This one is pretty simple, and it stems from her own words "the perfect guy". If you've been dating for 14 months and she hasn't made up her mind yet, it isn't going to work. You have been suffering and she hasn't so much as given you a hand job, much less anything that relieves your needs. A relationship simply cannot remain in a holding pattern indefinitely. It's understandable if she's saving intercourse (many girls save it for marriage), but to deny all of the guy's needs is inhuman.
As a side note, that's one reason why the courtship/engagement period for many of the ultra religious people is very short. Heh. Case in point, one of my closest friends who is religious and had that same creed (no sex before marriage) married her boyfriend 9 months after they were introduced to each other. And that included him briefly dating someone else for a month of that! Lucky to say, they've been married 17 years with 3 kids.
Anyways, she's gotta be open to if not intercourse than mutual masturbation, like Janniepeg said. If she still hems and haws about that, then you might as well wait forever or break up, because what she's really saying is that you're not the perfect man. The fact that she caught you at porn will probably either push back her timetable.
As for you, I commend you for not simply taking her when she offered herself. Have the serious talk. Find out where it's going, and ask her for what you need. Oral, hand jobs (which is a good start), dry humping (ow.), but above all, she must know that it is torture to bring the man to high arousal for a length of time without any sort of release. Early in a relationship maybe as you get to know each other and slowly build physical trust, but not after 14 months, for crying out loud!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 September 2011):
 Attraction goes both ways. Ask if she's attracted to you. Society has made it a one sided thing that only guys look at girls and girls don't look and that a girl has to wait and wait for the guy who doesn't look. Nonsense.
She has to know that you want sex with her not because you are ready and horny, but because she has all those qualities that make you attracted to her and no one else would do. Compliment on every feature that turns you on. Be slow and sensual and don't worry about the outcome. Don't stress that she must have an orgasm the first time, even if it's clitoral. Before the real thing I would suggest mutual masturbation first.
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