A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have known the father of my youngest child for over 27 years. Yesterday it was my birthday and he made no effort despite the fact that I asked my child to remaid him. I know my child said something as he said so himself/I was working yesterday ( i work as cabin crew) came home late (3 am the following day). I was expecting to see something on the dining room table. A 30 p card or something or a cheap box of chocolates. Nothing at all. They both were not even in the house as we do not live together. He returned my child at 11 pm the following night and pretended that he did not know it was my birthday. I was so pleased that he did not want to stay the night as I would have not wanted to share with him.How can someone be so selfish. He does not maintain his child yet helps me with child care. He never takes me out or makes me feel special. I have been trying to get out of this relationship for a while as it is not making me happy. I no longer communicate with him as tried in the past and it does not work.Are most men like this? I texted him happy birthday for his birthday and even suggested going away somewhere. Recently suggested going away for a few days - his response- I dont know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your responses. I have kept trying with this man for the children's sake as he as he a fairly supportive part of all of their lives. However, there is serious trust issues between he and I and he is very secretative that it makes me feel sick.
I know what I need to do. I clearly can't change him.
Thanks again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): I think that you are still measuring your self-worth through this man, rather than yourself. I get the impression that you are waiting for him to do or say something that will finally show you that you are "worth" more to him. But the "twist" is that, in being "worth" more to him, you will feel worth more in general. At some stage in this relationship, or maybe even at an earlier time before it - say, in childhood - someone or something must have reduced your self-esteem and made you doubt your own value. And somehow, you have given over to this man the "authority" to decide what you are worth.Don't wait. If you can't feel much self value at the moment, then at least try to see the way that he is valuing you is something entirely separate from the way that you can value yourself in future. In other words, he may be treating you like s*** and effectively giving you the message that you have very little "worth" and this may feel real because you yourself just can't feel anything amazing or special about yourself right now. BUT what I am suggesting is start to divide how he values you from how you can START to value yourself in future. Slowly and surely, the more that you uphold this division and the less you wait for him to tell you what you are worth, the more that you will make your own evaluations and feel better.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (25 September 2011):
 If the guy doesn't live with you, why would you expect him to be in your home at 3am when you return from work? That doesn't make sense.
You said he returned your son at 11pm the following night. It almost sounds like a child access arrangement rather than a relationship and doesn't sound like a regular relationship so I cannot see why you would be so upset that he forgot.
If you were in a relationship, wouldn't he be provide money for the care of your child? Also doesn't make sense.
You are living like a couple who have split and just share the child, so again, he shouldn't have to remember your birthday. That is something remembered by friends and family and he is neither to you.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (25 September 2011):
 If you have wanted to end the relationship for so long, why would it bother you that he neglected your birthday? It doesn't sound like you two have much of a "celebrating together" type of relationship anyway, by what little you've described here. He doesn't even live with you.
No, most men are not like that, but then again, most relationships aren't like yours either.
I suggest just breaking up with him ENTIRELY instead of remaining in a limbo, and going out and getting into a REAL relationship.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (25 September 2011):
 this relationship sounds like it has got more problems than merely lack of birthday card. you say you have wanted to get out of it, but also that you suggested going away for his birthday. if he doesn't make you happy and you want to break up with him, why are you so bothered that he neglected your birthday. i don't get it
x
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