A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I fear I have lost my married lover due to one jealous outburst in a year. I have always maintained complete discretion but last night I found myself angered by him talking openly with other women at a bar when I don't feel that I can even look at him incase someone notices. I pulled him up on it and now I think it is over as he did not react well to this. Is there anything I can do to rectify this situation or have I lost him for good?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 October 2009):
 I think the definition of an affair would suggest that it is a limited-time thing, that it has a shorter life-expectancy than a formal one such as marriage. So your expectations for it to last a long time are probably misplaced. His terms, his rules, his decision. You basically ceded all control in the relationship to him, so I hate to point this out, but what do you expect? Does his wife know about you? My guess is no, so this means he's very good at lying to her, hiding things from her and masking his feelings. He probably is a champion at compartmentalizing his life. Work in this area, wife and family over there, mistress in this little slot. Other things encroach? Mistress showing signs of discontent and looks like she's ready to create drama? Dump her ASAP.
I realize this is a simplistic analysis. Essentially, you were hired for a temporary position; when you showed signs that you were unhappy with the conditions of employment, he terminated the arrangement.
I honestly think he was looking for a reason to cut you loose, and you gave it to him.
I know this isn't the question you asked, but I have to ask you something. If you had come out of a painful break up of a long term relationship, were wounded by this and needed healing, why would you then go into an affair with a married man, an arrangement that 99 times out of 100 ends in heartbreak for the Other Woman? It's like you were setting yourself up for more pain and upset. Frying pan into fire kind of decision you made there. So now you have to heal from this, beat yourself up about this failed relationship and you still haven't recovered from the last one?
Honey, you are making some very poor choices in your life, I think.
Just think, if you had taken this past year off from men, used it to figure out what went wrong with the last relationship, did some work on yourself, and then set yourself up to meet some great eligible men with a rejuvenated mind and spirit, you'd be in an entirely different place right now.
So how will you spend this coming year?
A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (24 October 2009):
 Why on earth are you upset at the prospect of losing him?? He's proven himself to be a cheating, lying, manipulative piece of shit - surely Dating 101 dictates that these are the types of guy that you avoid at all costs?? What do you expect to get out of being with this man, honestly?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi
You're so right about the self esteem...the first thing I thought is "he'll never speak to me again, he hates me now". I put this down to having come out of a twelve year relationship a couple of years ago and I'm not sure I've recovered from that fully. Nevertheless I went into this knowing that my lover was married and accepted his terms. I have no feelings of jealousy towards his wife and he has given me no reason at all to mis-trust him with other women, which is why I'm annoyed with myself for over-reacting in this way and losing him for good.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (24 October 2009):
 If you've "lost" him, then you should maybe be happy about the fact that you got the better deal, which is that you'll get over him in a little while, but he's stuck being an asshole forever. :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 October 2009):
Good point there, Oldersister. The notion that her self-esteem is completely bound up in his approval, or lack of it, is something that I'm afraid is alien to me. I just never considered a married man as a potential dating partner. I don't care how attractive or sexy or how miserable he said he was in his marriage, a married man was always off limits. Perhaps I'm too narcissistic myself but I could never play second fiddle to anyone, most especially a wife. There's just no future in a relationship with a married man, at least not one that was ever palatable to me. Sneaking around, hiding my feelings, nursing a secret love like this just isn't appealing in the slightest.
Maybe this is how women find themselves in abusive relationships. Little by little, the self esteem dwindles and her sense of self worth is entirely based on his approval, or lack of it.
Poster, where's your anger at being so poorly treated? I guess that's what I was asking? Why is it that you are the one who is expected to be contrite here?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 October 2009):
If he broke up with you for that, he was looking for the exit already. You gave him the excuse by having a fit of jealousy. Basically, he's set the rules and you broke them. You're dealing with a whole other rulebook when you are seeing a married man. They tend to benefit him at the expense of the women who cater to his narcissism. If you're okay with that, things are peachy. It's when you show you think you have a claim on him that he has to remind you that you actually don't.
I expect if you're willing to grovel a lot you might have a shot at getting back together with him. I'm just wondering if you have experienced any change of feelings about him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi
Thanks for your replies. I hear what you're saying but he wasn't flirting with other women (the word 'flirting' has been added to the question by website admin and was not included in my original text)he was simply talking to other women who are friends, I was jealous because I don't talk to him in public so as not to draw attention to us. But your points are still valid.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (23 October 2009):
 He's cheating on his wife! If he can't even be trusted to keep his marriage vows, how can you believe anything he says? He isn't trustworthy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): I would say that you are quite insecure, and that this insecurity is leading to you being irrationally jealous when your husband talks to other women. To try and resolve this jealousy you must start dealing with the feelings that are leading to such outbursts and thoughts. Are you afraid you aren't attractive to your husband, or that he finds other women more interesting? Get to the root of the problem, analyse why you feel this way when you see him with other women. Then make a conscious effort to deal with these inner feelings. A change in routine, such as making an effort to see your own friends, etc, Being more sociable in itself could be the key to you realising that there is more to you than just being someone's wife. And don't forget that you're allowed to flirt too...
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