A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been single for nearly three years after a healthy, long-term relationship. I've been told I am very attractive and I have been fortunate enough to meet quite a few men in these three years who have been interested in me but nothing ever seems to develop with them.I have noticed that when I meet someone I like and they like me that my brain goes into over-drive and I over-analyse absolutely everything! I seem to have a definite idea of how I think a man SHOULD behave if he is interested in me and if he does not conform to this ideal I convince myself that he can't really be interested in me and then I find myself behaving negatively towards them. For example, I had a date planned with a guy I had already seen a couple of times. I sent him a text to confirm arrangements for the evening and because he didn't reply within 15 minutes I arranged to go out with a friend instead. He rang me shortly after and I told him not to bother as I had made other plans. I'm sure this put him off seeing me again! Its as if I tell myself they can't really like me and then I find myself either putting myself down in their company or making snide remarks to them.I am intelligent, I have a professional career, lots of great friends and hobbies and interests but as soon as I meet a man they completely fill my thinking time and I almost become obsessed with the idea that things aren't going to work out and this scares me so I become needy and I feel that I "test" their interest in me. I'm sure this is why the relationships don't develop.Does anyone have any tips on how I can be more relaxed and go with the flow in the early stages of meeting someone? I think the men that I have met picked up on my negative thoughts and I don't want to make this mistake again!
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 Do you think you may suffer from anxiety? I can identify with so much that you have written… and I have anxiety. When you said “my brain goes into over-drive and I over-analyze absolutely everything,” I couldn’t help but think… this is a classic example of anxiety. I’m a perfectionist… and that is a trait commonly found in those who suffer from anxiety. If you think this might be a problem… go see your doctor… it’s easily treatable.
Whatever the case may be… try to stay positive and avoid over analyzing things. Good luck!
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (22 November 2010):
 First, don't feel too bad about this. It's fairly normal, dating in your late 30's can be a real emotional minefield.
Try this: when you experience any kind of negative thought for a guy you're seeing, or when you are on the point of making a decision like making other plans, stop, take a deep breath, and write it down. Wait five minutes, then read what you wrote, and ask yourself if the thought was a product of reason or neuroses.
If you catch yourself counting the seconds until that time is up, you can be fairly certain it's neuroses, not reason, and should not do whatever you were planning to do.
On the date itself, I know you won't have time to write things down and think about them. Instead, just consider any kind of criticism of him during conversation to be taboo until at least the fourth date - if he really deserves the criticism, don't worry, it will still be wrong the next time you see him, too. That includes when discussing the date with your friends afterwards.
...............................
|
