A
female
age
30-35,
*autrec
writes:My ex (first boyfriend that I ever had) has decided to contact me periodically. Basically, he'll just decide every few months to contact me non-stop and try to get me to go to coffee or lunch or whatever with him.The thing is that I really don't care to associate with him at all. I dated him for five years, but I dated him because I wasn't in a very good place in my life. I met him online when I was in middle school. Back then, I had insanely low self-esteem because the boys at school used to tease me, tell me that I was the ugliest girl in the whole school, tell me that no one in their right mind would ever want to date me, make fun of my music taste, pretend to like me and be my boyfriend over instant messenger and then tell me that it was a joke to see if I'd "fall for it," and basically just antagonize me in every way that middle school boys can possibly antagonize a young girl. I chatted with my ex online, discovered that he was in my grade and in my area, and met him in real life. Once I met him in real life, I was not attracted to him at all. He's overweight, doesn't really have cute features, etc, but I dated him anyway because I literally thought that I was the ugliest thing on this entire planet and that he was the only person that could ever love someone as disgusting as me. He went to school across town too, so he didn't understand how horrible all the boys at my school said I was. Plus, I was under the impression that he was actually a nice person and I had this crazy idea that I would be "a good person" and date him solely because I thought that I liked his personality.Basically, we dated all through high school. My parents didn't like that he was my boyfriend because they thought I could do better, but they also didn't understand how awful my self esteem was. I moved across the country after we had been dating for two years and kept up the LDR because I thought for sure that there was no way that any boys would like me at my new school. As a result, I dated this guy for way longer than I should have. I cheated on him a couple times while we were together and I essentially forgot that I wasn't attracted to him in between visiting him on my breaks, so I was always disappointed whenever I saw him. I slowly started to realize that he isn't actually nice either. He didn't really treat me very well. He pressured me to have sex and he used to be obsessed with me giving him oral and used to tell me that I "didn't deserve" for him to go down on me because I wasn't "perfect" at blowing him yet. He also used to discourage me from taking care of myself, doing my hair nicely, wearing makeup, and basically doing anything that could grab the attention of guys.During my senior year, the hot new transfer student that everyone wanted to date at my school befriended me and basically showed me that I am not actually ugly. He showed me that I am actually a beautiful young woman who can not just do better, but who also deserves better. I confronted my reasons for dating my ex, determined that the relationship was not healthy, determined that I honestly cannot find any redeeming qualities in my ex, realized that I literally would not even want to be friends with the guy, and broke up with him. For me, it had little to do with the fact that I wanted to date someone else. It was more about getting out of an unhealthy relationship, stopping from hurting both him and myself, and getting a long-overdue breakup out if the way. Once I broke up with him, he came clean about cheating on me the entire time and when I asked him why, he told me it was because he knew I trusted him and that he could take advantage of my trust.We didn't contact each other for about a year and a half, but his mother did visit me once and tried to shame me into getting back together with him by telling me that I made the wrong decision and that I was a bitch for hurting him. He eventually started contacting me relatively regularly. I deleted him from Facebook and changed my number, but he still manages to find a way to contact me. His messages are always like "Hey. How have you been? We haven't seen each other in a long time. We should grab a coffee and catch up." I politely declined the first few times, but it's started to get really annoying to me. I literally ended up telling him this last time that I do not want to see him, that I dated him for the wrong reasons, that I don't really even like him as a person, that I do not ever want to "catch up," I will not ever want to grab lunch or a coffee with him even if I am poor and he's paying, and that I always just decline to be polite. I told him that I want him to stop contacting me. So what does he do? Contact me more.Basically, I don't like him. I don't want to see him. I think he's rude, trashy, and unattractive in every way possible. I'm ashamed of myself for dating him and ashamed that I ever thought so poorly of myself that I thought he was the best I could do. I literally pretend that I never dated him. When he's not contacting me, I don't ever think about him or wonder how he's doing. I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be anything to him but a distant memory. I've told him this numerous times, but he will not stop trying to be all buddy-buddy with me and trying to tell me about what's happened to him since we broke up. I don't frickin CARE about what happened to him after we broke up. I don't care about the jobs he's had, the girls that he's tried to date, how his slut-shaming mom is doing, or whatever. I've moved on from that time in my life, I just don't want to deal with it anymore, and I want him to do the same. But literally nothing works to get him to stop contacting me. If I politely decline, he persists. If I'm brutally honest with him, it doesn't phase him and he persists. If I ignore him, he persists. I don't care why he's doing this. I don't care if he wants to get back together or he wants to contact me for an ego boost, or whatever it is why some people's exes try and contact them again. I just want it to stop already and I've done everything short of sending a "cease and desist" order. How can I just get him to knock it off?
View related questions:
broke up, facebook, get back together, my ex, overweight, period, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (9 March 2013):
Hi there. Do you think it is because he thinks you are playing hard to get?
Or, it could be that he doesn't have anyone else to go out with, and so he keeps returning to what he knows.
Which is, you and the memories of when you two dated.
I am assuming that his method of contact is just texting.
Is that right?
Or does he sometimes call you?
If texting is mainly what he does, well then each time he sends you a text message, as soon as you see it, delete it.
Don't even bother reading it.
And surely, he will eventually get tired of getting no response from you.
And that should be the answer, that will give him the hint you really don't want to talk to him anymore.
Because answering his text messsages, doesn't work.
This just perpetuates the situation.
If you can get into the habit of automatically deleting - without reading - his texts as soon as they arrive, and do this every single time he sends one to you, well surely, within a couple of weeks or a month or two, he will give up on it, and finally move on with his own life.
There has to come a time where he decides to himself, that you really are not interested in him anymore.
And supposing that he then decides to call you on your mobile, or on the landline number, to be prepared for this, what you could do is at another time save his mobile and any other numbers of his to your mobile phone directory, so that each time he calls you his name will show, and you can simply disconnect the call at that time, by pressing the "End Call" button.
And it will then go to your voicemail messagebank.
With the landline phone number (if he knows this number), you could get someone else in your household to answer the call for you, and tell him you are out and don't know when you will be back.
It may take time and some perseverence, but it will be well worth the effort, I promise you.
|
