| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have very low self esteem now. I've never had much self esteem anyway, but now that I'm newly single, it's plunging down to a whole new level! I feel ugly, especially. I can't help comparing myself to other women, even to my own friends, and notice that they get so many compliments and attention from guys just because they are beautiful. I'm not, so I don't get compliments, and this gets me down... especially now that I don't want anything serious. I can't fix any of my flaws: I have extremely thin hair (genetic, so no fix), ugly brown eyes, small breasts, pear shaped body with really stubborn cellulite in my lower body. I'm not overweight, but it seems I always look chunky no matter how much weight I lose.I know looks aren't the most important thing, but I just wish I got constantly told I'm beautiful since apparently it's all guys care about. Anyway, I'm not even that smart or fun to compensate for my ugliness. I just hate myself and don't know what to do. Not only do I feel lonely, I also feel undesirable, ugly, unwanted...How can I feel better? I'm desperate.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 November 2011):
 Focus less on your looks and more on your personality. There is something out htere that YOU are good at. That you SHINE at. Find it and focus on that.
Thin hair? Well, I'm pretty sure you can find a competent hair dresser who can help you find a hairstyle that works perfectly for your face and hair type. I have a good friend who lost her hair to chemo, the hair she regrew is much much thinner, but what did she do? She went out and got a killer pixie cut and totally rock it.
Big butt? Well, many many women are pearshaped. There are many ways to either camoflage it or enchance it. Make your face, your smile be what people notice. Dress in clothes that fit & flatter you, and trust me there are clothes out ther for the bigger butts too.
Brown Eyes.. well, what is wrong with brown eyes? Personally I think Brown eyes are gorgeous. Actually I have never seen an eye color I didn't like.
Small breasts? They come on all sizes, so what? I rather have small breasts then a small mind.
Celulite, well.... excersice might not "cure" you of it, but it sure can make a difference.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Take note if you see a girl rocking a hairdo that might work for you or a nice pair of jeans, outfits, colors.. what not. LEARN from others instead of feeling jealous of others.
All in all, YOU can change just about anything about yourself, BUT you have to get of your arse, and end the pitty party and get to it.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 November 2011):
 You just broke up with your ex. That tells me two things: for one guys are obviously attracted to you, and second you are suffering from heart ache. Any break-up can make a person feel miserable about themselves, about their future, and imagine they can't possibly ever ever find anyone again to love them. It's called a broken heart, we all experience it, beautiful as well as ugly, and you just got to go through the motions. You'll come out on the other side just as normal as everyone else.
Next: thin hair = get hair extensions or watch lilith moon on youtube. She styles beautiful hair with her short and thin hair, uses extensions often, but also shows videos for short and thin hair. Makes me think about cutting my hair off so I can do the same. You however can do the same, so no sulking. At least you have hair!
http://www.youtube.com/user/lilithedarkmoon
Watch her videos. Then re-do your hair.
Brown eyes? Since when did brown eyes become ugly? No further comment.
Small breasts? Welcome to the club where millions of other women belong, we all have small breasts and we love them, both positives and negatives. And a hint for you: guys love boobs. No matter size.
Cellulite? Who doesn't have them. Use them as an excuse for a butt massage or thigh massage, they say that helps.
Always look chunky? Whats wrong with that? Chunky is nice. If you don't like it then dress differently to bring out the parts you do enjoy about yourself.
So, go shopping and get an outfit that you rock and makes you look amazing. It'll do you loads of good.
Oh and start wearing high heels. There's nothing quite like it when it comes to confidence boosting, high heels also makes your butt and legs look their most perky.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 November 2011):
 Ok, I surrender, I throw my arms up. Since I have been on Dear Cupid I have always been interested in the self esteem issues posted here, and have always tried to give them well thought, well researched answers , precisely because it's a problem that there IS so much one can do about, and tackling it from many different angles - from the inside and from the outside : from self esteem classes to CBT to NLP to self help books -to plastic surgery or make over consultants etc. etc. and etc.
But, I have noticed that some recurrent posters, of which you are one, don't really mean to solve or decrease their problem. They never try anything of what it's suggested, in fact they want just to reaffirm the problem, , to magnify it. Their problem IS their life, they identify with it so much that they refuse to let it go,- because if they divert their attention from it....there's nothing else - apparently there's nothing else to think about, to work for, to strive for, to put energy into. Their world is really circumscribed to that slightly pear shaped butt or slightly saggy tits or few extra pounds ( obviously, I am not talking about seriously disfiguring conditions that hinder a normal social life ).
So, I am giving on purpose a bitchy answer. Not because I want to be a bitch to a perfect stranger who has done nothing to me, but because a" welcome back to the real world" is perhaps the only way to give you some help.
- So, OP, OK, I get it : that you have a pear shaped body and a big butt and that because of that, you can't get laid. That's not true of course but, let's suppose it is. Let's work with the worst case scenario - total catastrophe. Let's assume that it's true,there is nothing to do : you really have a monstruous butt, men really only are mindless brutes who only want pretty girls with perfect butts , and you'll never ever get laid again.
So ? what happens next ? What will you do ? It's your life over ? Is there anything else to interest you / distract you / comfort you /give a meaning and a scope to your life ?...
I don't now... your family, your work, your friends ? Making money, finding a great job, travelling the world ? Helping people in need ? Art ? Sport ? Religion ? Politics ? ...Something ?...
Suppose there is nothing you can do about changing your looks, and, worse, nothing you can do about THE WAY YOU THINK about your looks.... then you'll just have to find a way to accept it and live with it , right ? You'll have just to say , Ok, I am a pear shaped manless person, and get on with your life.
Or do you want to spend the rest of it feeling miserable about your butt and about all the hot studs who reject pear shaped butts , - while any possible occasion for self realization, personal growth, mental and emotional ( alas not physical because we have assumed that plain Janes never get laid )fulfillement will be passing you by ?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 November 2011):
 There was a time when I needed to do this for me. In my case I was lucky, in that I was able to negotiate some extra time off work and add it to my vacation time.
Though if you are still studying then there are vacation times.
But I chose not concentrate on the physical outer me first. Instead I went to work on the inner me. Because that is where I felt I needed to address issues within me. So often in the past I judged myself so harshly. And it was undeserved. So I thought I would work on building up my inner confidence as a priority.
First I wrote out some things I wanted to achieve. Sadly I came up with an over-ambitious list of 30 major projects. So that was never going to happen. I whittled it down to five things. Each had to be a project that addressed a long wanted need in me. Things I never seemed to find time to do.
But you want to life your self esteem?
So why am I talking about projects?
Because when you achieve goals and get projects done successfully, by a goal date, then you get a boost, when you do finish a project. Achieving things that you do yourself can start a process of lifting your self esteem. Think of it as kick-starting the project.
Then I will add in the other things that will continue the process.
So my projects were highly personal. Yours should be too. They need to address reall things that really are important to you.
So first off I always wanted to piece together a particularly intricate quilt. Not a work in progress. And I wanted it fully pieced by a specific date. This one was not going to linger on too long like the others, given attention only when I could not longer face staring at it any longer.
Next I wanted to make it a habit to swim every day.
The thinking is that if you replicate an action every day for 6 weeks it becomes part of your routine.
Then I decided to marry the first two tasks. I set a limit on how long I would work on the quilt each day. As soon as a finished the required number of squares then I downed tools and went off to the pool, to swim my 100 laps. Every day. I loved it.
There were three other more personal goals. Over the six weeks I achieved success with all five. And meeting those goals felt fantastic. The quilt was finished. The swimming became a habit.
And I felt very good.
But that was not enough.
Life had to get back to normal.
So then I made a new list of as many things that were good things, but were things I had not tried to do before. And I have myself six months to work through the list.
Except I had so much fun that I had to add to the list so that I could continue the process for a full twelve months.
And the aim was to try one new thing or go to one new place every week or take part in something, and cross achievements off my list.
Some were little things.
Like try eating a star-fruit and see if I liked it. I didn't.
But there were other things I tried that were new and I loved them.
I found public parks I never knew existed and enjoyed looking at the landscaping there.
And I found out more about buildings I loved, but never knew the history of previously.
Once again some more personal goals, that I will not detail. But all the things on the lists were tasks I knew I could achieve and would enjoy.
The aim was not to win an award. The aim was for me to have fun and enjoy life and pat myself on the back as I met each goal.
There was nothing I had to prove to anyone else. It did not matter if anyone else could do it faster, better, stronger. These were my goals alone. No one else was required to judge me. Nor criticize me.
This was just about me working closely with me to prove to me how much I, alone, could really achieve.
Most people were totally unaware of my continuous progress in a very good way (for me).
I made new friends. Discovered some great activities I grew to like.
Built relationships. Built skills.
And as if by magic one day I woke up and happened to see myself in the mirror and I realised I had "improved".
Actually I had not changed that much, but my inner confidence in me had improved and that allowed me to "see" me in a new light.
That I no longer felt as short of good attributes as I had felt before.
So then I made a new list of my five best physical attributes and was able to write them without holding the pen pised in the air. Twelve months earlier I would not have been able to do that. That's when I knew I was on the right track.
And I revamped my wardrobe so that it was better co-ordinated and more interchangeable easily as I went for some colours that work well together and combine easily.
And changed my hair style.
You will get there.
Remember you are just as good as anyone else. Not inferior. Not superior.
But just as good as anyone else. Never forget those truths..
Best wishes with whatever strategies you adopt to get you back on track and starting to appreciate you and your unique good skills and your good attributes, more often.
Then one day you too will wake up one morning and realise that your self esteem is back on track.
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