A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am in the middle of an extremely weird situation and am eager for a second opinion, even if it is harder to give valid advice if you have never seen me interacting with this person.So here’s the situation. There is this guy, I’ll just call him J, whom I have liked since the first conversation I had with him. (I'm a freshman in college, he is a sophomore.) He is incredibly smart, funny, thoughtful and polite, and VERY good-looking. I like him more and more all the time. I am pretty good friends with his best friend and roommate, I’ll call him M, so eventually I confided in him that I was interested in J. M was very supportive of this and became really invested in trying to get this to happen, but he warned me against getting my hopes up because apparently last year J was in a really unhealthy relationship and currently is really not interested in a relationship with anyone.Anyhow, eventually it was revealed to me that M had spoken to J about my feelings…which I didn’t exactly appreciate, but at the same time, at the time that I learned this, I had been feeling like J had been potentially a little flirty…So the way I interpreted that was, well, he knows now that I like him, and he wouldn’t lead me on if he didn’t like me back because he’s too nice of a guy, so this must be a good sign! But then M told me that J was not interested in dating me…so I was pretty disappointed, and also rather confused. But I was glad to know, and I figured I would move on. However, circumstances have made that impossible.In spite of having told me I have absolutely no chance, M continues to ask me often about my “endeavors” with J. Every time I get a bit exasperated and say something like “didn’t we already establish that this isn’t happening? Why do you keep bringing it up? What are you trying to tell me?” He gives really odd and vague answers, sort of affirming that yes, it’s not possible, but he still wishes it was, or something along those lines. (No kidding, buddy, so do I! Why you makin this so hard?!) Additionally, I feel that J has been pretty flirty with me lately. He is a REALLY nice, good guy, so the typical signs don’t really apply here, but there are some little things that I really do think I can be justified in reading as flirtatious. He makes a point of talking to me whenever I see him, sometimes leaving a group of his friends to come hang with me for a while (today, for almost a whole hour!!). And our conversation is legit--it flows well, for one thing, and he really talks to me about things that are important to him. Definitely no small talk with him. Likewise, he is really supportive of and interested in things that are important to me. Also, he invites me to come hang out with him and his friends, like the other day we played games and goofed around until four o’clock in the morning. And, whenever I’m in a small group of people with him, 9 times out of 10 we end up sticking together and talking, like if we’re walking somewhere or whatever. If there’s a group conversation going on, we seem to make eye contact A LOT, and he gives me this really sweet smile that I feel like is different than his usual smile. Just more flirty and cute! It seems like he’s always trying to make me laugh; whenever he says something funny he immediately looks to me for my reaction, and if I laugh (which is basically always because he’s hilarious and also I’m kind of mesmerized by him) he looks really satisfied with himself. He’s quite reserved with everyone when it comes to physical contact, but the other day I finally got a hug from him for the first time, which he pretty enthusiastically initiated. Some friends and I also had a swing dancing party, and he was there, and one of my friends (who is in on all of this) used us to demonstrate this fancy dip…He said he wanted to “practice” and proceeded to dance with me for the next 15 minutes and dipped me A LOT (this dip involved me putting one arm around his neck and him pretty much holding all of my weight, so it was pretty intimate). My friend also claims she watched him watching me with a “slightly intrigued, pleased” expression on his face for like a full minute at our Halloween party. AND, back to the contact thing, he’s started (infrequently, and very briefly and subtly, but it’s still there) sort brushing my arm, etc--those telltale little “accidental” touches! He also eats breakfast with me a lot on the weekends, of his own accord.I just don’t see how all of these things could be happening and he still isn’t interested. Two of my closest friends who have seen us interacting have said the same, that if I hadn’t told them I knew he wasn’t interested, they would totally think he was into me. WHAT is going on here!? I’m so frustrated because I really want to talk to him but he’s very traditional and I think he would be weirded out by a girl initiating a conversation like that so I don’t know what to do.
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female
reader, Ask and you shall receive..(well,ill try my best) +, writes (21 November 2013):
 i went through something very similar, but it was the other way round. There was a guy who admitted that he liked me, but i had just broken up with a bf of 4yrs which ended horribly, anyway, when this other guy told me he liked me, i started being more comfortable with him, and there was more flirting and picking on him. i felt in control and was lost in 'playing the game' with him and i loved the attention he was giving me..but i told him i'm not interested in him that way. one night we all went out as a group of friends and he looked amazing!: new hair cut, dressed handsome, (i still said nothing to him)eventually, he picked up another girl!: Bought her a drink, talking to her laughing, stroking her hair and a friend of mine pointed it out to me...I didn't feel jealous, i was honestly sad,torn and scared..that was my breaking point, when i said to myself "that could be me"--"that SHOULD be me" I moved him away from the girl, and i kissed him. We've been together ever since. if it wasn't for that night I wouldn't have snapped out of the game in my head.i had to see him in a different light
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): Sorry to be harsh, but from an outsider's point of view, he is clearly not interested and doesn't want to date you. He knows that you like him and hasn't made a move. That is because he is not interested.He is a nice guy, as you said, so is maintaining the friendship to be kind to you. No other reason. Even if he is 'getting over a relationship' (which just sounds like an excuse to me) he explicitly said he did NOT want to date you. How much clearer does he need to be? If the relationship was last year, that is plenty of time to get over someone, especially if you meet the right 'someone else'. He doesn't think he has with you. Also, I don't think that he is leading you on at all. He's just being a friend. From you description, I would think that M is into you though... Which is why he keeps asking about your 'endeavours' and took an interest in your interest in J. Keep J as a friend if you like, but I really don't think there is any chance in it becoming a romantic relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): I agree with Honeypie, I suggest you focus your interest on someone that can give you what you want. If you continue to hold out and read into his polite nice gesture, you are setting yourself up for heartache.
If he is into you and those sweet smiles and attention meant more he would ask you out. Time to move on....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2013):
 He likes you, but not the way you want him too. And he enjoys the attention and flirting with you. He likes your company. And maybe even the fact that when you got turned down (through his room mate) you didn't stop talking to him.
The dancing and stuff, well you are a considered "safe" because you already know he isn't interested. So he feels it's easy to flirt with you, but not cross any lines. Maybe he doesn't get just HOW interested you really are.
THAT would be my guess.
I think a guy like that, would have NO problem asking you out IF he was really interested.
Sorry, he is just not into you.
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