A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:O.K. this may sound ridiculous, but does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get my husband to move on without me? I have left him because he's an alcoholic and he's been abusive. He says he wants me back in his life and he can't live without me, blah blah blah blah, but he is not really making any effort to change. He claims that he's not drinking nearly as much, but he's not going to any AA meetings like I suggested nor does he seem to be interested in going to church with me. He's finally accepting responsibility for the damage he has caused and is promising great things from here on out, but I just don't have any intimate feelings left for him anymore, I feel numb. I just don't think I can forgive him for everything he's done, I've tried and the pain just doesn't seem to go away. Silly as it seems, I don't want him to suffer for losing me. Is there anything I can do to help him get over me without suffering so much?
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female
reader, Bunny123 +, writes (2 October 2007):
Yes, it does.
It's just really easy to get sucked in.
You no doubt still love him on some level, and you want to help him and see him be healthy. And cutting it off completely is should be an extreme last measure since you have children together, Ok - get it.
It just has to be made clear to him that you will not be engaging in those cycles again. If he calls, keep conversation light and about the kids. Screen your calls. Set boundaries and stick with them. He will "suffer" more if you coddle him, because he'll likely get false hopes of a reunion from your kindness.
Just remember: You are not responsible for anyone elses feelings.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): Ya it makes sense, but if you keep talkin to him several times a day, keeping yourself available to him he is never going to stop or to get over you like he needs to. Unless you're planning on going back to him, only talk to him about the children. Does that make sense?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): Not really... he IS going to suffer because he is going to miss you, despite the fact he treated you like cr*p for so long. And he has to live with that... And you can't be his saviour.
Just be prepared that, at some point down the track, when he realises that you're not coming back, he'll probably turn the sadness into anger & get pretty nasty -- especially if he's a heavy drinker & was abusive in the past.
It sounds to me like you are quite co-dependent when it comes to him -- you try to be his saviour, which is not good for you (or him!)
I suggest 2 things:
1] speak to your local AA chapter about therapy for YOURSELF & your kids because it's not just the alcoholics who need to go to AA - it's the family as well. When you're dealing with an alcoholic, you need tools to know how to adjust your actions / responses with him. You can't be his saviour anymore. That's co-dependancy & it doesn't help anyone. They'll help you with this. And the kids need to go too.
2] get some legal advice soon... you don't have to start going to court immediately, but get some preliminary advice so that when he does turn nasty, you're prepared.
The lawyer will probably get you to start keeping journals - just note the call frequency, his demeanour, if he's been drinking, if he makes threats etc... try to keep dates & times so you've got that if it ever comes to that.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses, but I don't think I was very clear as to what I was saying. I am trying to keep my distance from him, however, he is calling me every day, sometimes several times a day. We do have children together so I can't necessarily just ignore him and tell him to stop calling. We also have 7 years of history together and it's hard to just walk away from it all. Does that make sense?
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A
female
reader, Bunny123 +, writes (2 October 2007):
The reason why you stayed with someone who was abusive is because you have been essentially numb on some level for some time. Would condone your child being in a relationship with someone who was abusive? How bout your best friend?
My point is that you likely took responsibility for his actions and feelings. It was a two-way street, this is the dance of the abused and abuser. Both cannot exist without the other, and that validation - those "highs" when you make up and "lows" when you break up, is what keeps you coming back for more.
You are already repeating this cycle. I hope for you that you stay far away from this man and concentrate on taking care of yourself. But this is going to be a long and tough road for you, and you'll need to commit yourself to it fully.
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A
female
reader, Amy2007x  +, writes (2 October 2007):
 Just leave him be, as much as it might sound harsh and all but if i were tryin to get over some1 then i wouldnt wanna see them, with someone always being in your face then it would be really hard to move on.
so just get on with your life
xx
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