A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:We've been together 3 years.I'm having a really hard time getting my girlfriend to be willing to communicate with me about serious matters. She's great to spend time with when we're doing well, but when something serious does come up, she tends to avoid me sometimes to the extent of disappearing and not responding to any attempt to communicate.Sometimes, I try to discuss something serious with her, and she pulls away...and then won't talk to me for sometimes a few days or more at a time. If I do try to contact her during those times, she'll either ignore completely, or reply with "I'm really not in a position to have this discussion with you; I'm busy; I'm enjoying x, y and z and don't want to ruin it with some serious discussion; etc."By serious things, I mean for example, if there's a decision that we need to make together, like a major one. Or, if something's happened that I'm concerned or upset about and want to hear her side and talk it over. The kinds of things all relationships at some point run into.Sometimes she herself does say "Yes, we really should talk." And we plan to, but then we meet up, she gets really uneasy, and diverts the conversation. We share a lot of common interests, so she will try to divert my attention by bringing up a comment about something we share interest in together. My mistake is allowing that to work. I sometimes end up responding to her comment - and the serious conversation I wanted to have is history.On the few occasions I have stood my ground, she'll end up resorting to telling me she's really uncomfortable and wants to discuss it later. But "later" never comes. The other mistake I've made is, being desperate to actually talk about something, I've brought it up on my own when we're together. This will easily start an argument: "We were having a great time and then you sprung THIS on me! I really don't want our good time ruined by this!"I'm thinking perhaps she has some fears. Maybe she is afraid that "a serious talk" means a breakup? Or maybe her friends, parents, something, have made her feel uncomfortable having serious conversations? But either way, I am really worried the relationship won't ever advance if she keeps avoiding serious topics.It comes down to, It feels like she really likes the good times, but is either afraid or unwilling to deal with the serious issues that all relationships have. Is there anything I can do to encourage her to talk to me, like something to help her not have any fear or not feel apprehensive about such discussions?
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 Sounds like a fair weather friend or a good time girl unable to emotionally connect or even listen to a friend/boyfriend in need… Perhaps she hasn’t grown to realise there are times and a place to discuss real issues up until now. Or her genuine fear isn’t about breaking up, but maybe she feels she’s not that smart to handle a serious discussion, there’s also one’s inexperience, her age and upbringing. I’ve come across this before – people can and do shy away from talking for different reasons; fear of criticism, rejection... Here they defend/hide themselves by getting up and walking away, become distant or change the subject and get irritated when their good time bubble bursts. All these things are done to AVOID something! But rather than being her analyst, just get down to basics and calm her girlish fears that it’s not about breaking up and give her an idea about the subject you wish to bring up… If she jerks at this idea again, you obviously have someone who can’t give you the support you’re looking for. Basically you're on your own with this type of person.Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (22 May 2013):
 My bf had this problem with me and still does to a certain extent. Talking with him about anything serious really freaked me out, it made me uncomfortable because growing up we never ever talked about anything serious, even though with two alcoholic parents we should have had some serious talks. I'm not a great communicator, I don't know how to express myself with words, how I'm feeling or anything.
My bf took the time to understand this and to be patient with me. He finally locked me in our apartment one day and said, "I know talking about this freaks you out and makes you uncomfortable. But this is something I need to talk with you about and it would really help me to know that you are on my side. That I can count on you because I love you and I know you love me."
That touched me and we talked. Gradually I got better and better with each talk. I don't know if this will work with your girlfriend or not, but maybe give it a try? I'm only 24, 19 at the time of our first "talk" and maybe your girlfriend just isn't ready for a real, serious relationship.
She is really young. I wish you the best of luck and I do hope this helps you in some way.
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