A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My friend's 19, and he's told me he's started dating this Indian girl who's lovely.I'm happy for him, however, it's the reaction of her parents that worries him (she's Muslim but not by choice).She does not want to be Muslim, she is not at all into religion, and likes being herself in university - that's where they met. However, her parents are upset.She does drink and party like most women her age, despite what Islam says, but does not dress culturally like Islamic women - more like Katy Perry or Lauren Goodger.She lives away from home, and her parents are threatening to marry her off, but she does not want to and it's caused furious arguments between them.Her family cannot accept him (except the father who is thinking of going along with his daughter because he's getting dissatisfied with the religion) and despite my friend's best efforts, it's getting nowhere.He told me he feels low about the situation and wantshelp.How can I help him?
View related questions:
muslim, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): When we're talking culture, tradition, religion, and a daughter? There is little advice we can give your friend. He can simply date her while she's away at school.
Her father is the head of the household; and if he is becoming disillusioned with the religion, that shows he is becoming westernized; and he may become more flexible.
That may mean he may ease his influence on her dating practices. He sees a future for her as an educated and independent women. Thus allowing her to live away and assume an education.
Religion calls for his active vigilance over her life; both as a woman, and his daughter. Her parents must enforce her adherence to the laws of their beliefs. They too, must follow the laws of Islam. They are just keeping her safe within Muslim society. They may not really mind at all.
Another thing in your friend's favor, is the fact she lives away from home; and being given freedom to live independently. They just don't need to push the envelope by trying to be rebellious when it isn't necessary. Stay below radar, and all is well. Careful about sex. If it is determined she is has lost her virginity; and he is the culprit, no telling how that might fare out.
He's bucking a tradition and a culture. It's not going to work. They don't have to accept him. He's not engaged to her, and she may only be his fling for the semester. Boyfriends come and go. Family is permanent.
I suggest he back-off and show respect for her parents wishes. They hold the purse-strings; and by tradition, can marry her off, if she doesn't watch her step.
If she over-steps her bounds, it's not like she'll just piss off her parents. She could be ostracized by relatives and shunned by Muslim society.
What is your friend prepared to do about that? He'll just get stressed out and move on. She'll be left to deal with it.
Enjoy what time they have together, and can-it with the Romeo and Juliet nonsense. They can just enjoy being together when they're at school, and just leave her parents out of it.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (6 September 2013):
 I've really had to think about this one.
What a difficult situation for everyone involved. Her parents will not only have their religious beliefs but their cultural ones too.
Their daughter, your friends girlfriend, clearly has her own ideas about faith and culture and wishes to pursue them.
Your friend is stuck in the middle.
To be honest there is little you can do except be there for your friend when he needs someone to talk too about this.
There is an on line group called "Think Atheist" that has been created to support young people leaving the Islamic faith. It helps them share ideas and create coping strategies to deal with living with practising Muslims whilst forging a new life, maybe this could help your friends girlfriend.
I hope this helps AB x
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 September 2013):
 HOW can you help him?
the only thing you can do is be a good sounding board for him to vent about his frustration with this.
the onus is on his girlfriend and she's in a bad spot it's very hard to tell your parents you do not want to live the lifestyle they live and have raised you to live and expect you to live...
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 September 2013):
 This one's really a tough one, but in truth, the real issue is what your friend's girlfriend is going to do. Your friend will never be accepted because of his religion, because it's a grave issue to leave Islam. Typically, to formally renounce that religion is considered apostasy, and her choice will most likely separate her from her family.
Her parents' threats to marry her off may be the choice she makes -- let them marry her off and stay in the family, or go her own path and lose them forever.
The one saving grace is her father, who it sounds like may be considering, however slightly, a more progressive approach to religion and family. My advice to you is to have your friend remind his girlfriend that the relationship between father and daughter is a very unique one, and since the father is the head of the household in Islam, he may indeed prioritize his daughter's happiness, and while he may never accept him totally due to being non-Muslim, he may be happy that this guy is making his daughter happy.
Also advise your friend that in the presence of her parents, and with every correspondence, to show respect and deference to her family's religion and traditions. Your friend may not be Muslim, your friend's girlfriend may be not into religion, but in their house, and in all of their speaking, and even when he speaks to his girlfriend, he must honor her family's beliefs. Don't do things that separate -- honor the religion, pray, remove shoes, show knowledge of tradition, and it's possible that their family will see someone who honors the religion though he himself isn't a card-carrying member. Over time, that may pay off.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 September 2013):
 Firstly you don't say what sort of help your friend needs, also you are only getting one side of the story, and not first hand at that! For example how do you know the girl's father is dissatisfied with his religion, did he tell you so?
The only thing you can do lend an ear and listen. There is nothing you can do apart from that. This is an issue your friend's girlfriend needs to sort out with her family, being a parent (but not of any religious bent) I can understand their concern at their daughter living away from home and taking up with a young man who is so different to the men they thought she would take up with.
If your friend had written the question I would be advising him to have patience and in the mean time to avoid behaving in such a way that could give his girlfriends family more reason to be concerned.
...............................
A
male
reader, DKW +, writes (6 September 2013):
He does have a choice to finish with her and back out of this complicated situation. Good for her in rejecting religion, it would be great if he could support her but - does he know what he's getting into?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): You cannot help him and the relationship will continue to be a problem as the family will never accept him. Sounds like he needs to accept the rejection or let this girl go. They may consider accepting him if he open to converting to the religion.
...............................
|
