A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend confessed to me that he still had a sexual relationship with his ex when we met, and that it continued until we had been together for 3-4 months. He says he cant remember but that while we were together it only happened twice. I don't believe him, but I have to give him credit for telling me. We recently booked our wedding date, which is why I think he confessed. We have been together 3 years and we got engaged after 6 months. He proposed on christmas eve that year, which is also my birthday. He always said he wanted it to be special, so he planned it for that night. Now I can't help but wonder if he did it because it was shortly after he broke it off with his ex. My head is seriously messed up. Ok, so he dated this women for a few months about 5 years ago. He claims they had a sexual relationship whenever they were both single, and that when we were together they were both drunk. I confessed to him I had cheated on a boyfriend back when I was at college with his friend, it was only a kiss, and I asked him if he had ever done anything like that, joking thinking he would never cheat as he doesn't seem the type. Anyway about a week later, he sat me down and came clean. I forgave him as it was in the past, we're getting married and I do love him but when I sat down and told my best friend, she pointed out the dates to me. What should I do?
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (6 September 2013):
 You have excellent advice from all the other aunts and uncles here and I don't think there's much left for me to add but this: "if in doubt, don't". You're confused (quite rightly), which is a signal that you should think long and hard, and certainly not be obliged to keep the marriage arrangements.
If I was you I'd walk away quick smart. Cheating is absolutely not OK, at any stage of a relationship, and alcohol is no excuse. Will it be OK if he cheats when you're pregnant and not in the mood/ post pregnancy not in the mood? When is it OK to cheat? What are you willing to forgive in the name of honesty/ giving him credit?
You don't have to settle with this man. You do have other options.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): Some guys test your gullibility, and gauge your neediness by how easily you forgive them before they commit the same violation the next time. Like a speeder with a warning ticket, will speed sooner than one that gets the $275.00 speeding ticket.
If you're marrying a guy, he doesn't get off with a slap on the wrist. He has to be made accountable for what he does, and you have to establish your boundaries long before you walk to the alter.
He is warning you: "I'm capable of cheating, you know that now; so you're half to blame if it happens again."
I'm a gay man, and if someone I'd been dating for an extended period confessed he was still sexing an old flame months into dating me. He'd be walking a few minutes later.
I'd forgive him, but I wouldn't keep him. The lack of any consequences wouldn't discourage him from giving in to his urges on the next given opportunity. If I've got to be faithful, I'm not accepting any less in return. That's just me.
Why, because he didn't have a conscience for 4 months; and suddenly sprouted one out of the clear blue. Trust is something you earn. You lost a little bit when he told you. Now confess that. That distrust will follow you through your marriage.
When it comes to honesty, delayed confessions don't count.
The truth was withheld until some incident or circumstance forced it to the surface. The confession is really a question of "how badly do you want to get married; even if you know I'm really an asshole?"
In fact, the confession is half-assed; because of it's timing. He's getting cold-feet about the wedding, and hoping you'll call it off out of "shock and awe." He has his own doubts.
"Whooops! She doesn't seem to be phased by it. Better come up with another one. I'll ride this one out for now."
He should have come clean the first incident; then at that point, he may have deserved another chance. Now that he's got you a few feet from the alter, he's feeling suddenly guilty? Red-flag!
If you rated his conscience level on a scale from 1-10, give him a 4.
Put it on hold. Think long and hard. Put the gown on layaway. This might not be the one.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 September 2013):
 Why did you accept his proposal?
You need to ask yourself this, because it seems to me so many women don't even care who the guy is, whoever he is, cheater or not, liar or not, complete stranger or not, if he pops the question she says yes!
I got to ask.. why on earth is that? Saying yes should be just as hard as asking him to marry you! At the point when he proposed, six months in, when you barely knew this man... Were you ready to propose to him? Was it even on your mind to marry, let alone marry HIM?
If no, then you need to take a serious look at why you're jumping into this, because you've got a blond fold over your eyes and you're jumping just because some guy of six months told you so. Three years ago.
I question this because to me, it is strange that you said yes. And it makes me think, what kind of girl would say yes to a proposal so quickly? The truth is: only a girl who thinks she is lucky to even have ONE man ask her to marry him. A girl who really doesn't believe she has a say in who she marries, and has to accept whomever will be "so kind" to take her on. A girl who is desperate to have a wedding, above anything else.
With this in mind, your relationship and marriage plans paint a very different picture. It's not of a loving couple, but rather of an insecure girl who doesn't think she can do better, who is now clinging on to this man despite knowing he both cheated and lied and betrayed her. Why? Because she loves him so?
I think, my guess is, that you're not in this relationship because you love him so, but because you still do not think another man will ever ask you to marry him, and that this man is somehow your last chance. So that is why you are willing to jump blindfolded.
Think about staying in the relationship and NOT marrying him. If you love him, and not the idea of a wedding, this shouldn't be too hard. Cancel the wedding. Sort this out first. He will propose again, if he actually wants to marry you. I have a feeling you're too scared of this, too scared that he might not ask you again. Which just proves what you truly want from him.
If he doesn't propose again later on you will know why he proposed the first time... to ease his guilty mind.
The question is, do you love him, or do you love the idea of getting married? Call off the wedding, to work on your relationship. Build it up again, and marry later when the time is right and you are both in the right place. Or brush this under the carpet (like you initially did) and get married as planned. Which is most important here?
Tell yourself the truth about why you accepted his proposal after six months. That should give you the answer you need.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 September 2013):
 "I don't believe him"
well that's the crux of it isn't it?
why don't you believe him?
maybe he broke it off with her because he KNEW he was going to propose and he realized (as men usually do) early on that you were the one for him.
see that's how you could look at it... not that he rebounded and proposed but rather he ended it and then proposed...
or do you think she dumped him?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 September 2013):
 We guys have a concept which is known as "Sticking with that girl who keeps putting out for you, no matter that you've REALLY dumped her.... and you've found yet a BETTER grilfriend..." It's described in this manner:
1. You've dumped that irritating girl... and, as it happens, you've met a far nicer girl... AND it looks like SHE (you!) is going to put out for you.... AND you might even have to feign loving her... since you KNOW that she expects it.... AND, it's harmless to do so... until/unless she pins you down to the "nuptials" thing... (Refer to "The guy book of how to getting pinned down to nuptials")....
2. BUT, "old" girl will continue to put out... and what guy can RESIST that???.... even recognizing that it might, some day, jeopardize that new "thing" that you're starting to foster with that hot, NEW girl?????
3. BUT, if you play your cards, just right... and say just the right thing to this new girl.... and you give her that "oh, I'm so contrite" line... you might be able to salvage what you got started with that new girl....
I think that's where you are, now....
You know, you don't need to hurry forward in to a marriage. YOU can delay things until you're certain that this guy really IS "that in to you"..... That's what I'd suggest you do...
Good luck...
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