A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 21, and my friend's 19.She got married 6 months ago to a 40-year-old man who she's been with since she was 17 - and said that they married for love not money (he was a nice guy who was a builder, and said he wasn't wealthy, just lives a good lifestyle!)Yesterday she told me she's not sure if she wants to be with him any more - and worries about the age gap (which is 21 years between them!).She said his good points are that he's kind, caring and loveable and he's very helpful to everyone and anyone but the things that worry her about the relationship are with regard to her sex life - she said he doesn't want it any more, and he said she should just accept it. He's also become more interested in smoking and drinking, leaving less time for sex. She's tried relationship counselling's been tried, but said it didn't work and that a few weeks ago her husband has been spending more and more time at work which makes her feel unappreciated - and said the only time she really ever sees him is at the weekend, which makes her feel like a part-time wife. She tried discussing it with him, but he said he needed to do extra work - even though he's got a well-paid job.She also worries about the age gap too - thinking that when she's 29 he'll be 50, and when she's 39 he'll be 60 - and says that she's avoiding having children with him because she worries about the age gap. She also mentioned she thinks the age gap's responsible for the sudden decline in their sex life.My friend said she's tried to deal with it as much as she can, but she doesn't know how to. She is wondering if she made a bad decision and has become introspective too.what can I do to help her?? she's worried about it, and has tried to seek help, but said she doesn't know where to go next.I care for her so much as she's a great friend to be with and want to help her. how can I help her with this??Daniellaxxfrom Oxfordshire, United Kingdom
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female
reader, LauraE +, writes (20 July 2007):
Yes it is a huge age gap when you are 19. They will be poles apart in so many things. It would take a very special couple to really make this work. Not all 41 year old men have no sex drive. My husband has a pretty healthy one. I have no doubt it was stronger when he was 17, but I haven't noticed a decline in the 10 years that we have been together. Your friend's husband may have other reasons for low libido - too much work and stress for one thing. He may be depressed. This has a drastic effect on your sex-drive. Did they both try relationship counselling or just your friend? Sometimes partners won't go to counselling and that does make it difficult. Did he not really cooperate with the counselling? If she feels that she is heading for divorce, but that there is still a marriage to save, then she needs to be brutally honest with him. She needs to tell him that it isn't working and that if they can't work together to improve it, she can only see it ending in divorce. Then he knows where he stands, and has a chance to work on his marriage before it is too late. If she tries this , and it doesn't work, then all you can do is stand by to pick up the pieces when she leaves.
A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (20 July 2007):
 Okay, if I put myself in her shoes. The question of whether she made a good or bad decision to get married is now immaterial because she's married. So put that aside for a minute.
The decline in sex drive will probably be as a result of his age because my boyfriend is 41 now and it has definately had an impact on his sex drive.
So far as the age gap is concerned, its a bit late to worry about that because she is now married. That should have been a question she asked herself before they made the commitment. My boyfriend is 10 years older than me and at only 10 years, I can tell a difference in a number of things like sex drive, the want to do things together, socialising etc.
We rarely do things together because he is a carpenter and always busy at work. He has two businesses, one as a carpenter and the other as a keyboard technician and roadie for bands. So his time with me is very precious, but very limited.
When we first started seeing each other, we were out all the time, couldnt keep our hands off of each other and it was absolutely fantastic. Over the years things have changed. We are still crazy about each other, but his sex drive has changed, he is too tired to go out and do things that I like because I like ice-hockey and other sports.
But, because I love him so, I make allowances for it. Okay I dont get to see him very often and when I do he is generally very tired and rather crabby! However, we make a point of when he is home, making "us" time. Its not very much time but we love each other so if we want it to work then we have to compromise! He may be at work all the time, perhaps because he feels that having a wife now, he has to give her the best life possible. And the fact that she is a lot younger than him, he feels that if he doesnt give her that life, then she will leave him. (Been there with my boyfriend)
Finally the age gap can be an issue. My boyfriend and I want different things all the time. He wants to settle down and have a family because he is not getting younger, and dont get me wrong, I understand that. I on the other hand want to be financially stable and want to have done some travelling before I start a family. He has done all the travelling with his business, me on the other hand have done very little. So here were are currently at an impass but again we have compromised! I love him so want him to be happy. He wants a family so we will have one in a year or two once I have had the opportunity to do some travelling and get my business well and truly off the ground.
Having a much older partner is not the end of the world its just about compromising. But you have to be prepared to compromise, but more importantly, you have to love them enough to want things to work and not give up at the first sign of problems.
I hope this was of some help!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 July 2007):
 This is a May to December relationship that's gone awfully wrong in only six months. Obviously it doesn't work.
I am amazed that the man has lost his interest in sex after so short a time.
You suggest that your friend only recently has taken notice of the age gap. I think it was impossible not to notice it before. What usually happens, at least at the beginning, is that you find a thousand reasons why you should not worry about the age gap. She is mentioning this now because she has come to find so many incompatibilities between the two, which she now ascribes, rather correctly, to the age gap. It's not the years, but the mindsets.
I can only see their situation getting worse. The only sound advice is to put an end to the relationship. I understand she's confused, but, the sooner she gets out, the better for everyone.
Take care,
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A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (20 July 2007):
The best help that you can give your friend is what you are already doing,and that is your kindness that she needs in her present situation. I whole heartedly go along with Flower girl. A relationship without complete compatibility is the pits, in other words, Nowhere'sville. I would not want to look forward to an empty, useless, ongoing togetherness. And that is all you can look forward to having the longer you two stay married. I'm Not for coming between a man and his wife,however if you were my daughter-in-law, I would tell you the same thing. And yes there is life after divorce. So go for it and don't look back.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (19 July 2007):
 If she is that concerned about it and has tried to discuss it with him and tried counselling but nothing has improved then the only option she has left is to leave him, as it's not going to get any better if it has not already.
You sound like a great friend so just tell her that you will be there for her what ever she decide to do.
Take care.x.
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