A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hoping for some sound advice here. Often some pretty good answers. I have a friend who is almost seventy who lost her husband a couple of years ago. She has continued to stay living here because her adult daughter and son in law are here. Her daughter has a good job but the husband does little. Because her daughter and husband are living on her daughter's income there is no money for child care and my friend has given up her retirement years to care for the kids. Yesterday she did nine hours and she always complies with doing household duties as well which the husband could do but he does not as he is lazy. She is getting worn down. I know it may not have been my place but I told her to tell her daughter and son and law that she is not on constant call to clean the house and babysit. This might give the non working husband incentive to find a job. She has told me time and time again that this couple has no money for childcare and she has had to give them money for food. The daughter is an accountant.I am not wanting to stick my oar in but I did this time. I do not think this couple want her to have fun, date again and she is a friend. Any other suggestions on how she might deal with this would be welcome.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 June 2009):
 A difficult situation indeed.
I am aware that family relationships in Canada are different from those here. What you are describing is usually the situation where I live. Here, most grandmas look after their grandchildren, and that is somewhat considered a natural thing to do. I may have a bias on this one, so I make this clear (this is the disclaimer).
If I understand correctly, what you describe is a lady who lives on her own, but uses her time to babysit her grandchildren. Her daughter works, so she needs the help, which her husband could be providing since he does not have a job. And the physical burden of looking after the kids is a lot for this lady. She is very willing to help, and her goodwill is being abused.
I agree with you: this has come to the point where it is abuse. The grandchildren are her family, too, and it's good that she shows her love by looking after them, but it should not be her job. So far, very reasonable. But human beings are not always reasonable. The tricky point here is how to speak her mind without irritating or alienating the daughter and the grandchildren. If your friend complained about how tired she is, she'd be telling the truth, but the daughter and the husband could think that she's cold because she won't look after her own blood. The daughter would find herself unable to look after the children. The husband would not want to do that, since everything was so comfortable before and maybe he's a little useless with the kids anyways. So, your friend would appear selfish, the killjoy who spoiled the good march of the home.
If this daughter is the only support your friend has, maybe the friend understands the situation but is afraid of ending up alone.
Maybe the way out is not to say a word, but to make herself unavailable off and on, complaining about being tired or something, until the daughter and the husband found her an "unreliable" support and found someone else. Yep, it would be great if she could just speak her mind, but I'm afraid that is not the case.
By the way, I commend you on your interest on your friend. Many people prefer to go the "that is not my business" way.
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