A
male
age
36-40,
*ech135
writes:HI, I was curious if anyone had any advice to help me both with helping my fiancee and with my own issues dealing with this.A few days ago my fiancee's brother took his own life. Since then my fiance has obviously been not feeling that great and has been very detached at times which I know is normal and isn't the issue I need help with. I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions on how I can help her. I've been trying to make sure the she eats and been driving her around when she needs to go somewhere and overall just trying to be there and help her as much as I can but I feel like there's not really anything I can do which is getting to me because I hate seeing her in so much pain. I'm also having a few issues just kinda feeling left behind by all this with her doing stuff with her family but I'm trying to not be bothered by being left behind when I really just want to be there to comfort her, but I do realise that sometimes there are things you just want to do yourself with your family and not have anyone intruding and I'm trying to stay out of the way when it seems like it's one of those things. I'm just not really sure how to deal with all this since the only family members of mine that have died while I was alive her great grand parents that I wasn't that close to so I've never experienced something this tragic directly connected to me like this is for her. I'm trying to make sure she's okay and give her the help she needs from me but I don't really know what I'm doing and sometimes feel like my concern and protectiveness that I'm feeling for her at the moment isn't always helping. Any advice for how to help her deal with this if anyone has been through anything similar would be greatly appreciated.Thanks in advance.
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male
reader, Aech135 +, writes (29 January 2009):
Aech135 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the help and condolences. I really appreciate it and am glad that it seems like i'm doing the right things with her. Now i guess it's just a matter of waiting it out and hoping she's ok once things get a little more normal.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): HiYou sound like your doing great...just be as you are, take a back seat when necessary, and listen but remember she may well need space too at times, this is no reflection of your relationship or her feelings for you...just her own feelings about her brother. Times will be hard and you will have to be strong and separate your feelings for now. she will come to you when she is ready. Word of advice dont suffocate her...please do not take offence if she pushes you away for a while, grief can do that,her feelings will be exceptionally hard for her to cope with especially suicide.You all will be feeling trauma so be kind to yourself too.You sound like a very supportive boyfriend and you will help her in many ways...even by saying nothing, doing nothing, just been there when she needs you...either in body or over the phone. Please be patient and carry on understanding. Your strenghth is the key issue here by putting your feelings aside.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): I think just being there is enough. If she cries, being there to comfort her. If she just needs space, do that. Show interest when she does speak of him, but don't bring it up too much because it might be too painful to her. It's a horrible thing to go through. My brother took his life five years ago, and I really didn't start to move on for another two years after. Sounds like she might have a lot of people around her, but I know I just wanted someone to be with. So many people reacted strangely and avoided me afterwards.
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A
male
reader, Aech135 +, writes (28 January 2009):
Aech135 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response. Everything you've said is basically what i've been doing or at least trying to do so i guess i'll just continue doing what i'm doing and hope she comes out of this ok. And i do realise that when i'm being left out of things it's not personal and am not really taking it as an insult or anything, i'm just worried about her and want to keep an eye on her so i'm there if she needs me.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (27 January 2009):
 Give her the space she needs to grieve in the way she feels best. If she leaves you out or you feel neglected, please do not take it personally. Don't bug her about it. She is dealing with this in her way. You sound like a wonderful person for her to have in her life right now and you're doing the right thing.
I can't imagine going through something so difficult. The thought alone is enough to make me feel unimaginable pain... so I can't even imagine what she's going through. You just keep doing what you're doing. Make sure she eats, has what she needs. Make sure you're always there for her to vent at, hug, cry on, whatever she needs to do. Offer to drive her to her parents house, and while she's gone you can clean up your place. Don't smother her, but don't disappear.
As her future husband, this is good training for you. You are learning now how to be a good husband, an endless support and a great partner. You will be faced with many other challenges, tragedies, and difficulties. Stay strong and show her how much you care about her by taking care of her best you can.
My condolences to her and best of luck to you.
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