A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have a frienship question. I work with a woman who has, over the years, become a friend. Though we don't really socialise outside work, we do confide in one another when we go for lunch etc. I am fond of her. Her home life has spiralled out of control. She is 40 and still lives in the family home, along with her father, her brother and his pregnant girlfriend. Her mother died a few years ago. (This is a cultural thing that the adult children stay at home, apparently).Some time ago, her brother moved the GF in to the house, and things got rocky. Now her brother and his GF refuse to talk to my friend. She has taken to spending nearly every weekend at other people's houses. To top it all, her father is having chemo for cancer, and his illness clearly upsetting her. His prognosis looks good, but still. It's obviousy a big cause for concern. And she misses out on spending time with him because she avoids being at home weekends.OK so this is where it concerns me. Her quality of work is absolutely terrible. She often has days off sick (already flagged up by her line manager), she frequently turns up late (1.5 hours late today) and when she's at work she spends most of the time on the phone talking about her brother, or talking to colleagues about the home situation - though that has mostly stopped because colleagues realise they can't help plus don't have the time to spend all day talking to her. She isn't getting her work done and everyone is noticing. How to deal with this? Today I noticed that she was on the office phone for a personal call for at least 20 minutes, and I spoke to her afterwards - actually I interrupted the phone call because I knew we were expecting a phone call and she was blocking the line. I tried to tell her in friendly way that she is jeopordising her job (she has already been warned about using the company phone). She seemed shocked that I'd brought this up. But not annoyed. She justified that she could get more work done that if the friend called her on her mobile phone (meaning she wouldn't have to take work related calls).I am not sure what to do about this. I fully understand why her performance at work is suffering, but the last thing she needs at this point in her life is to lose her job. I did point that out as gently as possible. How can I help her, as a friend? I have already suggested she go to staff counselling services, and she's been for about 5 sessions but always turns up late and only has 1 session left. Today she told me that she just doesn't care about work, but I know she'd care if she suddenly got the sack!Our line manager is aware of this, as are all the seniour colleagues, and nobody seems to know what to do. Her work is awful, but she has legitimate reasons. What would you do in this situation? Should I just leave her to it, even if it means her losing her job?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2014): Just dealing with her when things are work-related will pretty much keep things under control. Let her talk, but always turn the conversation to a work-related matter; if you have to talk to her at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, I've pretty much stopped all verbal exchanges.
The management where I work are terrible. My line manager won't confront her about any of her issues or put her on performance review, which is what I'd suggested.
I think I just have to keep my nose out of it. After the exchange we had a few days ago, I doubt she'll come in to my office in the near future! Problem is I can't ignore her completely because she is supposed to support me in a service I run.
It's just sad and very frustrating because she wasn't always like this; I considered her a friend and now I see her looking miserable and her life going down the toilet.
I really resent her getting someone else into trouble - he's on a probationary period so her complaint might put his job at risk.
In some strange way, the best thing for her might be for her to lose her job since she hates it so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2014): I recommend just allowing her to dig her own grave. You are forgetting that management is always evaluating the production of each employee individually. It is unusual for employees to come to them to tell them what they should already know.
It is not up to that woman to to assess the productivity of her co-workers. For liability reasons, and for the sake of office morale; management moves at their own pace and in their own way. You don't know what happens behind the scenes; so stop letting this woman pull you into her trap.
She is causing disruption wherever she goes. You don't seem to pay attention when your supervisor suggests just ignoring her. Why don't you do as she suggests?
You have your own job to be concerned about.
It has now come to the point you should deliberately avoid her. Make it clear "without words;" you do not want her company. Politely excuse yourself, get up; and find another table or place to sit if you have to. Do not have verbal exchanges, or show your temper. It is unprofessional and playing right into her hands!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is a late update, I don't know if anyone will read or reply but I think I just need to get this off my chest.
Things have got worse with the woman at work. I pulled back and don't spend nearly so much time with her, so it was better in a sense, but on Thursday she did something that has really peed me off.
She came to tell me that she had made a formal complaint against her assistant for being "lazy, making mistakes, chatting too much" - basically everything that she does!
This guy, if he is doing all these things, is just copying her behaviour! I'm not even sure she's being honest about him, rather projecting all her own behaviour on to him!
I listened to her as she told me about this complaint, then told her he's not the only one who has problems with time keeping, making mistakes and spending a lot of time chatting. She looked at me like I was an alien from outerspace, and edged out of the room at which point I mentioned "pots and kettles". We haven't seen each other at work since.
This has really annoyed me. The guy could lose his job if her complaint is taken seriously. I talked to my line manager about it, and she herself said "it's the pot calling the kettle black". So hopefully he won't lose his job BUT my manager is also not taking the issues with the woman seriously. I have suggested methods to improve timekeeping and productivity, but she doesn't do anything.
I am at the point where I can hardly bear to look at this woman anymore. Making a complaint as she did is just nasty. I have gone from feeling sorry for her to disliking her.
Is there anything I can do, other than avoid talking to her except for strictly work-related issues? She is in such denial that I feel there's no point being brutally honest with her.
Thanks in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks WiseOwl.
Yes she's dumped a load of crap on me, and more fool me for taking it.
In all honesty she uses her 'culture' to excuse many things. I know many women from the same culture (Indian heritage) who are independent.
She doesn't contribute to the house, pays no bills, uses all her money on luxury holidays. Despite her poorly dad who is also recently retired, she still won't even consider contributing to the bills until l her dad asks - and he won't ask, apparently . It's a dysfunctional family. She is either very entitled or spoiled.
Regarding the stand off with her brother, I suggested a family member step in to mediate. A cousin offered, brother agreed but she said no. Two sides to every story but I'm starting to believe the brother isn't all to blame here.
Well it's been very helpful writing this and getting feedback. I think I need to distance myself even further - it used to be worse - and speak more to my/ our line manager.
That said, I'll continue to listen at appropriate times and try to hold no punches when she's blatantly taking the piss. She labelled me "big sis" after the death of her mum (I'm actually younger) but I don't want that responsibility.
The sad thing is that our 'friendship' is pretty much gone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): Even a teenager would know how to pay bills and survive on their own to some degree. Don't let this woman fool you into thinking she is so helpless.
Unless she marries a very wealthy man, I know of no culture that husbands care for helpless and childlike women. She must be able to run a household, raise children, and participate to some capacity. She would have to be exceptionally beautiful, educated, and elegant; before any man would allow her to live in a house with nothing to do but let him take care of her.
I doubt her family would have put her out to work; if it was expected she wouldn't have to support and take care of herself. She also has to contribute to the household for living there. So don't be too gullible. She's playing on on your sympathy.
Boy, she has loaded a ton of crap on you!
It's nice the manager is so considerate; but if the woman hates the job, she isn't going to perform up to standard, or hold up her end. Unless the manager is a principal or owner within the company; it is unlikely she can cover this woman's ass indefinitely. Sympathy runs out when the boss's ass is on the line for poor performance from their employees. It also kills office morale.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I've suggested she move out of the house but she is dead set against that. She is 40 but really still stuck in a teenage mindset. She wouldn't know how to live on her own, she wouldn't even know how to look for a home of her own. Has no idea about bills, for example. In her culture, she is 'supposed' to be married and therefore have a husband to look after her. In her case, it hasn't happened.
If she got fired, whe would live at home and her dad would support her, or she'd live off her savings. In some ways I think it might be the best thing for her, because it would force her out of this job she now hates.
I did tell her today that no matter how much she doesn't care about the job, she should be in control of when she leaves (i.e. go and get another job but not get fired!).
I have told her before about sick her leave. When her late attendance is brought up (often by her, not me), she argues "but I worked til 7pm that other evening" - but her hours don't add up. She makes excuses for herself, actually lies to herself to justify certain behaviour.
I have spoken to my line manager. My line manager won't fire her, or start disciplinary procedures, because we have all worked with her for a long time and feel sorry for her situation.
I'll see if I can be a bit more direct with her, but even warning her (as a friend) about the misuse of the office phone felt like I was crossing a line.
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female
reader, desiree075  +, writes (27 February 2014):
Hey, Yes, your friend indeed does have problems. SO DOES EVERYBODY. She doesn't sound like she's making an effort, or even pretending to. I get to work late too but when I do, I stay late. You think her reasons are legitimate, I've heard worse. I once had a friend who always owed me rent money. When I brought it up with her, she'd say, "Woe is me, I'm so depressed." How can I say anything after she's played the depression card. That would make me sound like an asshole. I soon realized there is a word for her behaviour: manipulation. I think you need to ask yourself how much you'd miss her if she was gone. Just because she lacks professionalism, doesn't mean you should too. That's what I do. I don't think it's insensitive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): It's incredibly sweet of you to care this much about your friend.
I would sit her down. I would not hint / joke / be subtle.
I would tell her that I care about her and I can't begin to imagine how stressed she is. Then I'd tell her that I'm really worried about how much her work has suffered and how the management are beginning to worry. I'd tell her I love working with her and that I'd hate to see her get fired especially given that her living arrangements are unstable. She needs this money now more than ever.
Ultimately, I'd give it to her straight but be prepared for her to be annoyed or telling you to mind your own business. But that's what friends do for each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): On the job, you have already addressed her issue to the degree your level of authority is appropriate. Yet she persists.
I agree that her family issues are sad. If she comes to work late and brings her problems to work. Sorry, she deserves to be fired. I would personally fire her. All she has to do is find her own place to live. Visit her father whenever she likes. All the other stuff is a lack of professionalism, and lack of self-control.
Take her to lunch and ask her to listen, not talk. Tell her her behavior is unprofessional; and now management is taking notice of her tardiness and unauthorized use of company phones. She is also disrupting the office.
Suggest she either take control of herself; or start looking for another job. It's only a matter of time.
Who doesn't have problems? Why should her problems be everyone's business? Why should she be so disrespectful of her employer and her co-workers?
Please don't lose your compassion for her, or withdraw your support. Step aside and allow the manager to deal with her. On the job, your responsibility is only to do your work; not supervise the behavior of other employees. It was kind of you, but it obviously isn't helping.
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