A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of nearly 6 months never says nice things to me or compliments me. Now, before you say dump him I should like to make a few points before you write him off as a loser. I think it is because all his life he has received negativity from people, such as his Mum, brother and his workmates. My boyfriend really cares what people think of him, he shows a real interest in people and he works really hard. The other day I was shocked at his employer’s reaction when he said we couldn’t make it to an event they had arranged. The language and things he were saying to my boyfriend down the phone were appalling (yes the guy was ranting and raving that loudly down the phone I could hear every word!) My boyfriend looked shell-shocked afterwards. He doesn’t know I heard all of it but comments like that would crush anyone’s self-esteem. I have complimented my boyfriend many times and he has looked really baffled at times like he doesn’t even know what one is! I feel heartbroken for my boyfriend that he is being treated like this. His ex-girlfriend also hid some important information from him for many years so I wonder if this is why he seems to keep me at arm’s length; that he has been mis-treated so often that he expects it all the time. He has made long-term plans for us which I am delighted with as I love him very much and he treats me really well, but he says he does not like talking and the lack of encouragement and compliments is hard for me to deal with sometimes. He hasn’t said he loves me, although he has said it in a card. He says he finds some things hard to say. He has never been nasty; in fact in most ways he has been the most caring, affectionate man I have ever met. He has mentioned sex a couple of times, but not pressured me for it and he is still here by my side, we live many miles apart and he is prepared to travel those distances while I can’t drive due to health reasons, he has sat holding my hand through entire theatre productions which was the sweetest thing ever. I would go as far as to say he is ‘the one’. I think he is just the strong, very silent type, but is there any way I can encourage him to be more verbal in general and with saying compliments without it sounding like I am forcing them out of him? I want what he says to come from the heart and not be forced. I am always careful to use positive praise as I think that is what he needs to hear rather than even more negativity. I am not sure of the next step to take, but I worry if we don’t break down these barriers then we are just going to stagnate and the intimacy will never increase.
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (14 December 2007):
 Sounds like he had many emotional blocks, which are the same as you call barriers. You are a very understanding women. That is nice to see. You didn't at all judge him in a negative way, where others in the same situation might have.
Negative blocks arise when we seemingly take what happens and own it, in a way, as a false truth. When someone cheats on us, or talks down to us, then we begin wondering how their behavior was our fault. In a way I was the same for a few years. What helped me, was to forgive those who took part in actions that I felt was causing the blocks. Not holding resentment for what others do. For example, if cheated on, that's a choice they make. It has absolutely nothing to do with the person they cheated on, all though it affects them. Now they made their choice, so it's then my choice if I remain with them or not. For me, I wouldn't stay with them, because real respect and (love) for someone also has a certain amount of restraint when placed in a position where those opportunities arise.
After I went through the process of forgiving those in the past, it felt like a huge weight was lifted. I went outside, it was a summer day, and just sat for about an hour, and I bet that was the first time in a few years I really appreciated everything around me. I still do. My daughter and I walk to the pond in the summer time and just sit and watch the ducks. Years ago, that would have been not too enjoyable. Too much sitting equals too much thinking. Now I go and it is a wonderful experience every time.
The biggest realization at that time which surprised me was all though many people do things to others that are not nice, we all have the power to choose how we take it, and how we let their behaviors affect our lives. It's hard to do sometimes, but with practice and looking at issues from more of an objective level instead of an attack toward ones self, it can be done.
I hope everything works out for you. If he works on getting over this, I'll let you know now, it's not going to happen overnight. If his self esteem is low, even if he gets over the initial pain, he'll still have to do some rebuilding of himself.
Take care.
A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (14 December 2007):
 Ok.
Firstly, you can't make a person be someone they're not. He has a problem with communicating how he feels, that my dear will never change. You can talk to him about this and express how you have a need to hear positive things. Sometimes you need to put into into simple form. "I need you to tell me you love me everyday, and I need you to tell me I look pretty when we go out".
The more complicated you make it, the harder he will see it.
But at the end of the day, basically, he is who he is. You love him the way he is, accept him. Because one of the hardest lessons we all have to learn as women...we really can't change our man.
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A
female
reader, catra  +, writes (13 December 2007):
I think that you just need to be yourself with your boyfriend. Make sure you keep him informed of your feelings. Communication that is open and calm is the only way to talk about this. Tell him to not feel shy about telling you if you look cute cuz your dying to know his secret thoughts....right? Make sure you tell him all yours.
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