A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:OMG I am a mess. I have know this lovely woman for several months but both she and I are in long term relationships of our own. My problem is I Can't get her out of my head and see her several times a week. She has said no to a relationship beyond friendship but if I don't see her and get talking to her I feel miserable. I can't avoid seeing her and I think about her every second of the day. It is affecting my work and my family life. How do I get things into context, how do I accept that there is no future in wanting her and accommodate to a normal working relationship? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (20 January 2008):
 Good uck with your efforts. One point to concentrate on is is that the feelings are "yours" and are not shared by her. You could really start to scare her. You both have a lot to lose with your partners and if she feels thrreatened, she may feel the need to tell her mate. Just beause you REALLY like something doesn't mean you can have it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
I like your approach amad, psychologically very worthy of note. What it lacks though is a feel for he reality of my situation. I realise that I am romantic and this is missing to an extent from my relationship (I am trying to foster more romance with my partner but our current ‘regime’ is well established and difficult to alter).
Let me give an example: you say ‘you have to stop this romantic fantasy about the other woman’ but my reality is that I walk into work and she is there and my heart skips a beat, pounds in my chest and my BP goes through the top of my head. I can hardly speak coherently to co-workers and am devastated if I don’t get to talk to her.
Your advice to ‘train yourself to think of this other woman as a FRIEND and nothing else’ is excellent and I will attempt to go in that direction. It is like looking up at mount Everest at the mo but in time…maybe!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): It is sometimes a nice escape to think of someone new than to work out any problems in existing relationships. Maybe you need to revive what you have with your partner.
This woman has said she only wants to be friends. If you can't accept this then cutting off from her may be the only way to get her out of your mind. The way things are at the moment there is a constant reminder.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (18 January 2008):
Her biggest mistake was telling you she didn't want a relationship beyond friends. When she fully understood what your hopes were she should have built a 10 foot high wall between you and her. You don't want to be friends and you can't, t this point, accept being friends. Friends don't have desires like yours that they dwell on for this amount of time. If you don't stop this you're going to harm your marriage and scare this other woman.
Feelings of attraction will come and go throughout life. Are you going to leave your current partner every time you feel attracted to someone? That would eb a shallow life style. Understand this will pass and do not nuture it.
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A
male
reader, emad khan  +, writes (18 January 2008):
 when you see this for what it is: When we have these romantic obsessions with people, its not because these people in question, are wonderfull or extraordinary, its because they somehow fullfill some longing within ourselves. We have developed an image of what they are, or what things could be- but this may not be the reality of things.
What I'm saying is- youre probably a romantic guy...this romance is probably missing from your current relationship, and you are allowing yourself to project this on to someone else.
Well for one thing, if youre in a long term relationship, and you are after another women....are you happy in this relationship? If you love the woman
whom youre with maybe you should try to explain that you need something more- that you feel something is missing there.
Secondly, you have to stop this romantic fantasy about the other woman. You may have this great connection as friends, but if shes not willing to break it off with her current situation, then shes not feeling the same romantic urges as yourself. This may bruise your ego (though it shouldn't) but get over it. Youre in a relationship, make it work, or end it and try to find what youre really looking for.
And finally, train yourself to think of this other woman as a FRIEND and nothing else. Do not entertain thoughts of romance about her. The mind
is an unruly beast. It loves to move in circles and confuse us. We really
have to train our minds to do what we want- otherwise we end up with a mind, that doesn't like to focus on the task at-hand and wanders off on tangents (like I'm doing now- though there is a reason for me to say all this).
Think of her as a friend and thats how she'll be.
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A
male
reader, jamie wright  +, writes (18 January 2008):
im sorry if this is harsh but the only way to get her out of ur had is to ask her out she will obviously say no i know that may break ur heart but it seems the only way tell me wht happens
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