A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I'm 21 and my boyfried is 39. Yes, I realize the age difference but that's never mattered to me and my parents don't seem to mind much. We've been together since I was 18 and for being my age, that's a long time. Yes, we've both had a few relationships in the past and have both gone through college, so this isn't an "am I missing out on anything" question. No, this is a committment question. We just passed our three year anniversary on May 15th and I still haven't gotten a ring.I can understand only in the sense that he has a son (20) but he hasn't had to pay child support in two years! I feel quite foolish even bringing this up because I'm a grown woman but quite literally all of my friends are either engaged, married, or have kids... or all of the above! I feel like I'm missing out on some big life moment here. Even his son (who is probably the closest friend I have) says his dad is an idiot for not taking me off the market, yet. And that's coming from a 20 year old guy!My boyfriend and I have talked about our future together and he keeps telling me, "Someday, someday..." I want to know when someday will be! I can totally see myself being with him the rest of my life as we have a lot of same likes and dislikes. The same political views and we're both non-religious. How can I get him to commit?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 May 2013):
 If you are now 21 and have been with him for 3 years that means you were 18 when you started with a man who was 36. To me that speaks VOLUMES about his not wanting anything serious or permanent or committed..
His child has nothing to do with his not committing to you.
His ‘someday someday” will continue till you say “no more someday it’s NOW or NEVER” and sadly my dear his answer will be NEVER. Because at his age, after 3 years, he knows what he wants and he would be going for it, if he didn’t have it. He’s perfectly content with things the way they are.
You can never make someone do something they don’t want to do. And to be honest, would you really want to be with a man you had to force to commit to you?
I always share two stories of men who appeared to never want to commit. I know a man who never married. Never looked, never was serious with anyone as long as I knew him. We pretty much considered he would die a bachelor. He met a woman and about two years later he married her. She was a first time bride at 40 and he a first time groom at 52. Now that seems extreme, so let me tell you about the guy (age 37) who SWORE to me over and over that he did not believe in marriage, that marriage was stupid, that he was never getting married. That was fine and dandy for him till he met someone he did not ever want to not be with. He did not want to risk losing her and he married her at age 39. It’s his first marriage. I still laugh at my husband’s insistence that we get married. Funny things happen to men who fall in love.
Bottom line, OP, he’s not that into you and is not planning to commit to you. AND if you force it, you will always wonder if he did it of his own free will.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 May 2013):
 I think there are three important items in your submittal:
1. You write: " I'm a grown woman but quite literally all of my friends are either engaged, married, or have kids... or all of the above!" SO WHAT??? Is THAT the only reason you have for bringing up what I would interpret as "panic" that this guy hasn't put a ring on your finger? If so, that's pretty shallow....
2. You write: "he keeps telling me, "Someday, someday..."
Yes... of course he does. THAT keeps YOUR hopes alive...
3. You write: "No, this is a committment question." For YOU, it IS "a committment question". For HIM, he needs only to keep you interested in order to continue having sex with you. THAT is HIS "Holy Grail" in your "relationship."
IF - or when - you decide that YOU are, primarily, his "young thing".... THEN you can try to look at this situation through sensible eyes, and decide that there really IS NO future for you. YOUR only question is "how long to you want to be his "young thing?""
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2013):
 You can't " get him " to commit if he does not want to , since you can 't ever MAKE people do what goes against their wishes, unless by the use of physical force.
If at 39 and after 3 years of steady relationship he is not ready to commit, probably it's not because he is not ready and you need to wait, probably he is just fine with the way thinks are now , does not want to change them, and his " someday,someday ..." means " I am blowing you off, I am blowing you off... ".
I am not opposed on principle to age gap relationships, but at some particular ages and stages in life age is NOT just a number. I think that for a 36 y.o.man who pursues an 18 y.o. girl , a big part of the attraction is precisely this, she is low maintenance in term of committment and " forever ". She's got schools to finish, stuff to do with her life, and, while in your particular case all your young friends are engaged/married/with chgildren, in current society this is becoming more and more unusual, - generally girls do NOT want to be married and saddled with kids at 20.
Whereas a woman closer in age to him, say early 30s , will be much more determined to seal a final deal, and much less willing to keep " dating " for who knows how long. In other words , a woman of 30 probably would tell him to piss or get off the pot after one year or so , and would not take a " someday " for an answer.
While , with an 18 y.o. you can keep things fluid for a much longer time, and they are easier to blow off. And that is a big attraction and a big advantage in the eyes of some men.
I think Chigirl gave you a brilliant suggestion. Surely a woman can propose too, do it and see what he says. If he says yes, write us back with a big "nyah nyah nyah I told you so ". If he says no, at least you know for a fact that he does not want to marry you. If he says " someday someday "... start questioning what there could be behind this "someday ", and what are the real reasons why it can't be NOW, and act accordingly...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 May 2013):
 Ooh, so this wasn't one of the "missing out" questions?
This is a missing out question. All your friends are getting married, having babies, and you don't want to miss out, as you said yourself. Group pressure.
Pop the question yourself. Then hear his answer. If it's no, at least then you will know he doesn't intend to marry you.
Btw "somaday" means: I haven't really thought about it, and probably wont do it, but I don't want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth"
Just because his son, and you, think he should marry you, and just because your friends are getting married, doesn't mean HE has to do anything unless he actually wants it. At his age he knows perfectly well what he wants. So just ask him to marry you and hear what he says. If he says yes, then great. If he says no, then you can stop wasting your time on a man who doesn't want marriage when you do.
But if you are both non-religious, why would you marry? If you are living together why not just sign the contract for partners who live together?
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A
female
reader, Dayzee  +, writes (25 May 2013):
By commit I will assume you mean marry and have babies. That's a big decision and you don't want to be trying to 'get' him to make it. More importantly, how is your relationship progressing? Is it happy and moving forward. If he looks like he has hit a comfortable slump because he is already getting everything he wants, you have to decide what you want to do, not what you can get him to do. This might sound cold and practical but decide how much longer you are willing to wait. Tell him and then stick to it. If he doesn't want the same as you, marriage, cohabitation, babies, then find someone who does. You actually are still young so it wouldn't be unreasonable to wait another year or two before making the decision to make babies together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): "How can I get him to commit?"You can't. He has to want to commit to you and as my late grandmother would have said, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"In other words, he has no reason to commit when he is enjoying all of the benefits of marriage (regular and frequent sex, free domestic help) without any of the perceived disadvantages (commitment, obligation, joint assets and community property to divide when he eventually trades you in for a younger model). Sorry, but I also have to question the son's sincerity in expressing support for your position. He stands to lose as much as his father should you get married because as of now he's the sole legal heir to his father's estate so should something happen, absent a will he'd get everything and you'd get nothing, and that may be one reason why boyfriend is in no rush to change the status quo.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 May 2013):
 And by the way at 21 you are more than able to take on the role of his life partner. You get on well with his son. That's a huge plus.
I was engaged at 20 and married very happily at 21. I have never regretted doing that. In fact it was a blessing that after more than a year of marriage I finally managed to get pregnant.
And blended families can work very well. If there is mutual respect all around.
For three years you have enjoyed a happy relationship.
At 21 you are indeed an adult and you and he can have a successful relationship. But he needs to be honest about his commitment phobia with you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 May 2013):
Some guys, feeling age creep up on them, feel younger and more energized by a lovely 18 year old at their side.
He may feel that at 21 you should not be impatient to settle down more. But gee how long is he going to make you wait?
Do you need to wait until you are 30 and he is 48?
or is he waiting until you are too old to have children and you are 48 and he is 66? Then you can look after him in retirement.
His son has the right idea.
You are in your best years now. Your best years when you are supremely attractive. The world is your oyster. Your skin is lovely, you have oodles of energy. You have no children. And you have enjoyed the security of a relationship that is happy for the last three years.
His reluctance to give you some hope for more in the future, and in your case some public recognition that he means to go on with you and publically declare his love of you to the world is extreme reluctance.
Why? There is no need for him to be so reluctant after your three happy years together.
He is holding out on you. Raise the questions of babies and see if he starts scrambling for cover. Raise the idea of a commitment ring and see if he squirms.
I hope that the following quote is not true of your relationship:
"that someday he will dump you, when you are too old for him. That day may be coming in the next couple of years."
At 21 you are now starting to become more assertive and you know what you want.
At 18 you may have been in awe of him. His ego would have loved that awe. It will break your heart if he starts to find excuses and starts to look around for a new 18 year old.
After three years he owes you an explanation as to why he is so reluctant.
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