A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a 27 year old daughter who left home and does not speak to my husband, myself and my son. She does speak to my twin sister and my sister does not share what is going on in her life and that has made my sister and my relationship rocky. My sister says she is doing nothing wrong, at least my daughter has someone to talk to. My daughter has had a rough life and I would like to get back into her life. When we have family functions and my daughter is there I am very uncomfortable around her.I was a single parent with 2 children until I re-married 19 years ago. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 September 2009):
 Something is missing here, what makes you say your daughter had a rough life? Just the fact that you when behind her back to get information on her activities doesn't jell with her reaction. Why won't she speak to her brother? Her step-father?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen my daughter left home she had made it clear that once she left she would never talk to us said she didn't want any contact with us, phone calls, e-mails etc. When my own mother died Jan 2008 she wouldn't speak to me. She blames me from her friends, boyfriends etc. I must admit because we weren't close, I tried to get information from her friends as a concerned mother when she was 16 & up. I have already been told when she marries, have children she does not want me to be part of it. My heart is broken and I have lost a child that I love.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (1 September 2009):
 There is always a tension between mothers and daughters. I don't know why it is, but as the Chinese say, a woman in a house is a peaceful home, two women in a house is a war.
I think probably your daughter resents something in your past, which is probably coupled with your husband somehow. Maybe she felt by remarriage you rejected her father and she may have been very close to him.
Its never easy to tell without more details but obviously your daughter has some schism going on in her mind and she has neither forgiven nor forgotten whatever it is that repels her from the rest of the family.
Perhaps some day she will realize how important you really are in her life.
I don't understand it. My brother was like that with my parents. He couldn't wait to run. He always fought with them, decried them. He would claim they weren't his parents and claimed he was switched at birth. Anything to disrespect them or trivialize them. He eventually stopped, but he harbored deep resentment.
In later years he treated me badly and used me to total depletion.
To this day I cannot figure out what my folks could've ever done to make him act this way.
So the point is, you have to wait. Maybe she'll come back to you, maybe not. But you can't force her to love you. No one can.
If you have infinite patience, then perhaps she will finally come round to you.
I wish you luck.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (31 August 2009):
 First off Stop trying to wedge yourself in. Pestering your sister to give you the information is jeopardizing her relationship with your daughter. A relationship that your daughter needs. It is a good sign that she does show up for family functions. Just going there is hard for her.
For a few years I refused to go to family functions. I had Nightmares the week before each one. Sometimes some families can be so contentious that even being there is painful. That was my problem. We don't know the root of your, and your daughter's problem, so I'm guessing from my experience. And my advice will also be based on my experience both as a child (strange for me on this board) and as a parent.
If you want to mend the fence and build bridges you will need to first accept and value her life, decisions, and opinions. I found that I had to accept as true some of the most preposterous stories from my daughter, before she would listen to a word I would say. You can't say I love you, but you're being stupid. That translates as; I love you when you do what I say. She is 27 and has been away for some time, that attitude won't work. My dad had to learn to accept that I won't be to every family function. He has to trust me to prioritize my time for myself. Now that he is able to do that we can get along. and I was older than 27 before he could.
I see as a result of my job I see a lot of clingy parents who have "rules" for what the kids must show up for, it is often resented, and/or causes friction with their spouse. I am a little worried that the closeness in your family is forced. I'm sure this letter has reflected that. If I am in error I apologize and hope others can learn from it.
FA
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A
male
reader, lowrider +, writes (31 August 2009):
You both need to be in the kitchen with a pot of coffee brewing and sit down and look each other squarely in the face. Forget blame, it doesn't matter now. Be open and honest, brutally honest, and let the other know. Then work together on repairing what can be repaired. Too many times have I read letters of regret and bitterness because one or the other passed on. IT'S NOT WORTH IT. Sure you won't have ideal relationship but I bet Dollars to Donuts it will be better than what you both have now. Sincerely, Good Luck be to both of you.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 August 2009):
You need to tell us what happened to cause this riff in the family.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (31 August 2009):
 Something major must have happened between you all for her to cut you all off like that. That's not normal at all.
You can try contacting your daughter and let her know that you miss her and that she is welcome to come and talk to you. It's up to your daughter if she wants to actually repair the bonds...right now you can let her know that you are open to communication if she wants to reach out. If it's because of something you did you should apologize as well. There are no guarantees though, and not all family relationships can be fixed.
Good luck.
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