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writes: Hello, i am a 43 year old man and for the last year i have been in a relationship with a wonderful, beautiful, mature acting 22 year old woman. I am very happy with her, i've hit the jackpot at last.....but there are problems and i would appreciate advice in overcoming them. Firstly my girlfriends parents (who are only 5-6 years older than me) are completely against the relationship, even to the point where i am banned from attending family events, get togethers etc. This makes things very difficult for my girlfriend who has to split her time and loyalties. Her father has openly said that i am "just after sex". Yes, the sex is fantastic, and he would be right if i was his daughters age and not 43!Secondly, i have heard through a third party that my girlfriends so-called 'best friend' has referred to me as "some sort of pedophile" which i find very insulting. She has never said this to me or my girlfriends face though.Thirdly, and perhaps strangely, i have noticed a change in the way my friends behave towards me. The men especially have become slightly more distant, are they jealous or something? i just don't understand it. I hope i can make this relationship work, i love this girl and she has said she loves me on numerous occasions or will these issues always be there like a sore that will not heal and eventually destroy it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): I'm a 22 year old female. I was together with a man 30 years older than me for 2 years. I know 30 years is REALLY pushing it but... I guess love is strange (and he looked much younger than he actually was anyway). He broke up with me recently because he thought he was holding me back. And I know he was tired. To be honest I did have many many fears. I loved him. I undoubtedly loved him so much. But I was scared to think about the future - I wanted to be with him forever, but say 30 years down the track - he'd be in his 80s and i'd be in my 50s. This I was really fearful of. It's been a few months since we broke up now. I still miss him. All the time. I wish he was younger, or that I was older. Hah bet you rarely ever hear a female saying she wants to be older. Anyway.... I guess all I'm trying to say is that younger girls in an age gap don't always want to leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): Time is the only thing that works. You have to laugh it off. Trust me OP age gap relationships have constituted the bulk of my relationships.
The thing that will make this relationship fail the quickest is if you can't accept this, you let it get you down and/or you fight it. Just let it breeze past it's not a big deal.
OP do you really not get this whole age gap thing? You do know the more people tell her this is wrong the more she'll want to be in this "forbidden" relationship right? Because that's what girls her age like, they love the "us against the world", "Fighting against all odds" thing. It makes their love feel even more special and if you're nice and you remain fun to be with that will last. But if you turn into a bitter old man, fighting her family and friends and bad mouthing them for "meddling" then you just confirm exactly what they told her about you. I mean god OP you'd swear you've never seen a romantic movie.
I suggest you rent Twilight and watch it. You'll see what girl her age consider romantic, there's nothing more forbidden and wrong about a human dating a vampire, that's why it's so romantic. Don't spoil it by becoming bitter.
Your attitude is too serious about this, that's what will ruin the relationship, either accept that they'll treat you this way until you prove them wrong, the only way to do is by not rising to what they say and treating her well and being a fun guy to be with. Being so defensive makes you actually appear like the dirty old man they think you are, because OP, people that aren't doing anything wrong just don't get that defensive.
So just stop, relax and enjoy it and if you can't then please tell her now before she becomes more emotionally attached to you. *They're not going to stop*
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the replies. Yes i appreciate that the relationship might not last forever, in fact most of them don't in the later years when generational differences become more pronounced. I just dont want it to fail prematurely as the result of other peoples opinions or prejudices. I just feel people are effectively "meddling" with a relationship and i seek to know how best to stop it.
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female
reader, Gherkinsaregrim  +, writes (5 May 2011):
Ask yourself, are you feeling like all this is a knock to your confidence?
Because it shouldn't! She wants you!
I think with the guys your saying are being distant it's probably a sort of judgement because they don't have the ability to see you as two people but rather as your different generations. That's their loss, prejudice people miss out on so much in life.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Ugh why are people so wired to age?
I'm in an age gap relationship... I'm what they call a "cougar" ugh. I hate that.
my bf is 13+ yrs younger than I am...
my gf's tease me that my next boyfriend will be found by trolling the high schools. I just laugh and ignore them.
hopefully her family will learn to accept it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): A friend is in an age gap relationship,in fact they are married now and trying for a baby. Shes 23 he's 48.
If you are on the same page it can work. None of us bats an eye at the relationship anymore, she's happy, he's laid back, it works.
I say grab happiness with both hands and don't listen to the sceptics or you won't have time to enjoy the moment. There are no guarantees with any couple - it may last it may not. I can totally see the parents concerns as I have a daughter - so don't be harsh on them
Date her and enjoy each day as it comes. If it ends it ends. If it lasts it lasts. Stop worrying about your friends reactions and focus on you two
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Let me make something really clear to you OP, do not take this too seriously or you will take the fun out of being in a relationship with you.
Someone calls you a pedophile you laugh and say I better get my thick glasses, grow a beard and get a trenchcoat. Or I think it's time I went to the local school to find a date. The only way you can deal with this is to not take it seriously, to laugh it off and have a sense of humour about it. If you start getting up in arms about all these little things then you'll sour the relationship. It's always going to be there to some extent and if you can't handle that then you need to leave and find a girl who you can be comfortable with.
The only risk to your relationship is you and how you handle this, so be a man and take it on the chin.
Stop thinking you have some kind of right to have everyone accept your relationship, you don't, as I don't. You know societies views on the matter and you knew people were react this way, if you're not willing to accept that then why did you get into this in the first place?
Plus how is she going to feel at ease being with you if not only other people are constantly telling her she's wrong but you are also going mad about their reactions? Simple answer is you can't, and she'll quickly start to question the entire thing because it's not fun being with someone that gets upset about peoples normal reactions to their rightly questionable relationship. It is a questionable relationship afterall and all they're feelings are perfectly acceptable normal reactions to what is going on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Those issues will always be there to some extent. I'm in an age gap relationship, I'm nearly a decade older and the only thing that makes those things go away is time. You just have to weather the storm and accept that age gap relationships of your magnitude are not socially accepted. I mean come on you're 43, you should know this. You're the dirty old man that can't get a woman his own age and she's the dainty little victim of your desire for sex with a fresh young thing. Don't worry about it.
Look OP people are always going to think you're a sad old man that has to "groom" impressionable little girls and use them for sex. The only person who's opinion matters in this is hers. As long as she doesn't think that then you're fine. The more you fight against that attitude the more people will think it is the case. You can't win, so what you do is have a bit of a sense of humour about it. That's what I do.
OP the only threat to your relationship would be if you can't accept people being this way about it. If you had a daughter that was dating a guy your age, would you be happy about it? No, you wouldn't because most of the time it is about the sex. Because most of the time age gap relationships aren't workable as well you know. So until you have proven that yours is, people just aren't going to accept it and you know what OP? As a guy that's in one, I don't think they should accept it either.
Those issues will only destroy it if you let it get to you. Don't worry about it, just enjoy your relationship for the moment. Most relationships like this don't last OP, the younger one always wants to go off and gain some independence while the older one wants to settle. It works for me because I'm not the settling type, and we've just been lucky in that our lives have gone down the same path. Other age gap relationships I've had or that others have had always end for that reason. She may want to take a different path in life in the near future, you have to be willing to allow her to take that path too. You see the most important thing about this and the one her parents no doubt are worried the most about is that you will hold her back, that you will try and get her to settle, that should an opportunity arise that would mean you can no longer be together but one which really would be the best thing for her to take, that you would fight that just to keep her.
If her parents and everyone else can see that you're willing to put her long term future ahead of your desire to be with her then people will accept you. That's what I had to do a number of times even though I was crushed it was the right thing to do. Once people see that you're not some father figure type, using your greater experience to manipulate her then people will start to accept it.
It takes a long time OP and you're relationship most likely won't survive long enough for you to reach that stage. It really is unlikely OP, so be a bit prepared for that and just enjoy every minute you have with her but when the time comes, then you have to be willing to let her go too. You can't hold her back.
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