A
male
age
41-50,
*orcerer
writes:I desperately need advice because I am feel I am about to just completely fall apart or do something stupid. I have a female best friend, we do everything together, we have the same interests, and we both mean the world to each other. I have been suffering from depression for the last year and she's been great and we have always been close. However, I realise that I have fallen for her. She is currently on the internet dating scene and while lots of people think she likes me more than just as a friend - she is very tactile with me but no one else - I am sure she does not. If I say anything, it will destroy our friendship and she means so much to me as a friend I couldn't bear not having her in my life. I know this because another friend of hers once admitted he liked her more and she wouldn't have anything to do with him again because it changed their friendship. I am now at the point where I am thinking of moving away as I can't think of any other way of getting over/rid of these feelings. I have tried distancing myself from her but it didn't work - which of course makes me wonder if moving away will make any difference. The trouble is because we have the same interests we would see each other all the time and we don't live somewhere large enough to find other clubs etc.If anyone knows of any sensible way to get rid of these feelings, please let me know. I've tried the "try and think of their bad points" but that's easier said than done and it doesn't help that so many of our mutual friends keep saying how perfect she is for me.
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male
reader, paul739 +, writes (28 May 2010):
The bit that concerns me is that she says you are like a brother to her, but when a lot of people say you have no chance once you are in the 'friends' zone, I think it's possible with enough effort to get out of the friends zone.
Yet she has told someone she doesn't like you in that way..maybe she doesn't..or maybe she is denying her feelings and if that's the case, perhaps if you weren't "there" for a time she would realise she misses you? You're situation is exactly the same as mine and like you most of my friends are girls but I think you know when there is something 'more' with one of them. Really your friendship has just grown and become so relaxed and comfortable maybe she is scared of rocking the boat by changing things?
Either way if I were you (well I am in the same situation), I would tell her. I told her and nothing bad happened and I don't regret it. I'd be interested to know what happens...
A
male
reader, Sorcerer +, writes (26 May 2010):
Sorcerer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys thanks for this. Some clarification:
She regularly tells me she loves me, that I mean the world to her and says I am like a brother to her, so that means she doesn't like me in the other way, right?
Well, everyone else says if we're brother and sister we're incestuous! She has regularly snuggled up against me on her sofa listening to music or watching a film, walks arm in arm and occasionally holds my hand, hugs me regularly, has told someone (out of my earshot) she doesn't like me in that way and then comes and sits next to me (not on the next seat but makes me shift up on my seat and shares the same chair) and puts her arm on my leg. One night we were out having dinner and cocktails in a bar afterwards and while listening to the jazz band she snuggled up to me and I put my arm around her - just because it seems comfortable, not in any sleazy way. She told me I was the one person she was able to be herself with. Next night, she was talking with a mutual friend and told her that what she was looking for in a partner was someone she could be herself with!
So, you can see why I have become attached and why people think what they think! She's 33 and I'm 36, we're not teenagers. WTF?!?! We already do all the things she likes and we discovered we even have the same favourite place and we have both taken the other there. We seem to behave like a couple without the good stuff.
I should also say I have lots of friends, nine out of 10 of my closest friends are female and there has never been anything like this with any of them, many of whom I have known much longer than this woman, so male=female friendships can work.
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A
male
reader, gaz +, writes (26 May 2010):
You don't know that you can't have this person in the way that you want. I do think that you do need to tread carefully if you still want to remain friends with her if you do approuch her with your feelings, but you should do so. I think if you sit down with her and tell her how you feel, but explain to her in a way that does not make out that you are head over heels for her. You should defiently say though that you would be afraid if it was to ruin your friendship and that you don't want that, but like what 'cerberus' has said, I think you do need to say somthing otherwise your friendship might fall apart anyway because your actions towards her will be effected with your emotions. Just tell her straight, but let her be aware that you do not want it to destroy your friendship if she doesnt feel the same way. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, louisevandeburg  +, writes (26 May 2010):
Ouch. I'm this situation atm.
You can think of their flaws, but I too have found it doesn't work. Perhaps you can try to convince your mutual friends to talk to her and see how she feels.
I'm sorry, I don't really know. Hope it works out. :)
And moving is not a good option. I was considering it, but there is no such thing as love without pain. Though its hard, you'll manage. I did.
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A
male
reader, paul739 +, writes (26 May 2010):
I agree with Cerberus. As I was / am in the same position with my female best friend. We are both 26, do everything together and have known each other since school. I told her how I felt and it did not change our friendship at all. If the friendship is that strong I don't think it should cause a problem. The best relationships stem from friendship and to me if you get on so great it almost seems a natural progression from best friend to relationship. And you don't know she doesn't feel the same way too. In my case, it is the girl who suffers from depression. As a result of this she does not want to date anyone at the moment but we are spending our time together and she has said she would see me as a potential boyfriend at a future point when she can cope with her depression better. Go for it. Private Message me if you want and I'll tell you more about how I told my friend my feelings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): You sound like you know what you have to do as you've explored all the alternatives. You're just worried that it might all go wrong but the truth is it can't get any worse than being in love with someone and not knowing how they feel.
You have to talk to her about it, that's the only choice you have left. You have to approach it cautiously though and not just drop to your knees and tell her you love her if you know what I mean. You could just bring it up in conversation or you could pose a hypothetical situation. Either way you need to tell her how you feel and find out how she feels.
You know by now that your friendship is going to be destroyed if you don't talk to her, it's just not possible to be in love with someone and remain friends so truly you have nothing to lose by telling her. You're thinking that telling her and she not feeling the same is the worst that can happen but it's not, not telling her and not knowing how she feels is far worse.
If the result of this is that your friendship falls apart then so be it, that will make distancing yourself from a little easier and you will have closure, but you'd never know perhaps she does have feeling for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): I would say, you should, with some short time, invisibly make her feel something for you-so that she doesnt realize, that you do it because you love her, take her to places which she really likes, spend a lot time with her, but in the same time sharpen your personality (=be more and more who you really are, not meant to be sharp :) - and she might realize, that you are the one for her. can be or not, but I think its better to take all forces and try this then to try to forget yr feelings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): I'm sorry that you're suffering such heartache.
Please don't do anything stupid. That can't even be an option in your mind. Get some help if you're feeling that hurt and desperate.
What you described is the prime reason why men and women can't be friends. Men always hope the relationship will turn romantic, but it rarely does, because women see the relationship as friendship and nothing more...even if it's a close friendship, and so the man holds on to the relationship and ends up getting hurt.
This relationship, however, could be a rare exception. And I think you should confess your feelings at the risk of losing the friendship. After all, if so many mutual friends are saying that you two are perfect together, maybe she's putting them up to saying that so that you will confess your attraction to her.
And you really have nothing to lose by doing so, because if she does not return your feelings, it's best that you end the friendship as the heartache is never going to stop otherwise.
And the only way you'll be able to get over her is to put some distance between you two, and give it some time. You'll also need to cut off all communication with her as difficult as that may be.
You can get by without her in your life. It may be impossible for you to believe now, but you will meet someone else someday and forget about this woman.
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