A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am happily married, most of the time, to my husband of 9 years. I have a younger sister who is absolutely gorgeous in every way, shape and form. I am also very good looking; just not as good looking as her. About two years after we got married, I was awaken in the middle of the night to my husband sleep talking. He was asking for oral sex from my younger sister. I was very angry and woke him up from his sleep. He denied it and told me that I was crazy. The years have gone by but I've never forgotten that night. In addition, whenever my sister is around, my husband just does not act like himself. And not only that, he is constantly sneaking glances at her, checking her out from head to toe. Ever since the night he spoke her name and asked for oral sex, I've been very attentive to his behavior whenever she is around. It's very clear that he is extremely physically attracted to her. Aside from him lusting after her, we have a great marriage. He's never been unfaithful, as far as I know. He's very affectionate towards me and shows me all the love in the world. I know he loves me but I can't get over his physical attraction towards my sister. The way he looks at her makes me extremely uncomfortable to the point that I dread family gatherings and when we're all together, I am stressing and upset the entire time. My sister and I are also very close but I've never disclosed this information to her. However, the way he stares at her, I am positive that she has noticed. How can I get over this and move on? I love my husband and I know he loves me but I also know that he would sleep with my sister if there was an opportunity. If it was another female, I would be able to get over it but she's my sister!
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male
reader, Chuck Norris +, writes (24 July 2010):
The funny thing about love is how selfish it can make us. We want our partner to be happy, strong, and fulfilled. We do what we can to please them and thrive on their attention and love to help us with these human needs and desires. However, we want exclusivity in providing/receiving these needs and desires and the simple fact is that people change and get bored. As painful as it might be to admit, there are certain things that we simply cannot provide for our mate and inevitably they seek it somewhere else or repress it and then it manifests as irritability, hostility, or even infidelity.
My wife's sister is very attractive, and I have readily admitted my infatuation with her to my wife. She got a divorce from a cheating husband about 2-3 years ago and while I always found her attractive, I wasn't attracted TO her until after seeing the pain she went through. She provides things for my wife (friendship, companionship, sisterly love) that I simply cannot. We've taken several vacations with her and I sometimes flirt with her in my wife's presence and even gave her a foot massage.
I have found (some) resolution with my own infatuation from what I feel is the best policy: honesty. I admitted to my wife exactly how I feel and even why. She loves her sister and maybe doesn't completely understand my "fantasy", but we're both more comfortable knowing everything is on the table. The idea of making an advancement toward my wife's sister does cross my mind, but they are best friends and neither would ever deceive the other. I would be a dead man. Moreover, the part that excites me the most is the absolute absurdity of the situation and the flirting game that people like to play with each other. If it actually developed, I doubt it would live up to my fantasy. Its like reading a book and imagining the setting and characters, only to be disappointed by the movie.
My advice would be to talk to your husband about it, and BE RATIONAL. Men enjoy beauty (we're pigs). Ask him about her and if he thinks she's pretty, attractive, etc...but don't make it a trap. Talk to your sister, tell her how you feel and be honest with all parties involved including yourself. Why does it make you so jealous? Do you really think he or she would do that to you? Is there something in particular about your sister (physically) that makes you feel insecure? Just talking about these kind of things can help you understand your husband and him you.
My wife is truly one of the most beautiful and sexy women I have ever met, and I know other guys take notice. We talk about who flirts with us, who we flirt with, and who we think is "hot". While it can be a point of contention and feels like a knife in the heart sometimes, at the end of the day we're on the same page. I'm the instigator of the conversations: any guy (or girl especially) who thinks their partner is blind to attractive people in their workplace/neighborhood/community is beyond naive, I dare say ignorant. Its programmed into us and we're fools to think love makes us blind. The grass is always greener and thicker and there are unknown adventures around every curve. Talking to one another and being open and honest is the only way (I believe) a marriage can thrive. Learn what your mate likes and try to emanate it using what you have. Its usually not something ELSE that we want, just something DIFFERENT.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): Hi reader April 2,
I really am sorry your husband has lowered his standards. I know what it's like to have a husband 'doing his own thing', and 3 times I Told him he was inappropriately starting 'friendships' with women. (I'm the observant type and know when a friendship is turning into more...the signs: talking on the phone to her(them) when I'm not home, going over to help when their husband is at work..etc..
So we just 'live' with it and turn down other mens advances or glances...knowing we could get the love we want, but feel we can survive for the childrens sake.
Well, after 15+ years of marriage, I'm to the point if he Does it again, I won't say a thing. Marriage vows are null and void if he sleeps with another woman, and I will consider it a fresh start in life. sorry if I sound cold hearted, I didn't used to be this way. Of course, you should tell him how you feel, your marriage might be stronger than mine, and he could change his ways to keep your love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): After being married to my husband for almost 6 years and Never saying anything about the way he looks at my sister,or acts when he is around her A few months ago I finally had gotten so fed up that I couldn't contain myself..Now My husband when I first got together with him was into church heavily and wanted to pursue being a Youth Pastor..Of course he never did and his whole entire life decisions have changed..We have three children together and he bluntly stares at my sister,drops everything to do whatever she says,gets Angry with me if I don't want to go to spend time with her,etc...Not only this One of my brothers Now Ex girlfriends came to my home asking my husband to help her get her things out of an apartment right across the road I come to find out a few months later that he initiated (tried) getting her to take the bait to him offering sex..I don't know how to feel about this really..I have been blaming myself all of these years,but he just has gotten so used to the Life of being the Awesome Image guy infront of everyone that If I leave him I will be the blame for everything..So I know how you are feeling..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2008): SadieB - This is very bad advice: "Tell him calmly that if you catch him looking at her like that again, you will go upstairs, pack your bags, and leave him."
As a guy my reaction would be to pack your bags and dump you in the street for thinking you can tell me what to do.
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A
female
reader, SadieB  +, writes (15 October 2008):
I really feel for you, I have an older sister who is absolutely stunning in a way I could never be. I am tall, gangly and blonde, whereas she is petite, with dark tumbling curls and a perfect face and body. It is very difficult when the man you are with blatantly finds your sister physically attractive, but you should not push it to one side so easily. You are acting as if your husband cannot control his glances and the way he acts around your sister, but by acting differently to normal, he is showing you a lack of respect. Perhaps you need to make more of a deal about it. Following her next visit, why not (after she has left) make a point of telling him that you have noticed he looks at her in a physically intimate way. Tell him calmly that you are not jealous of your sister, that you love her very much, but that you simply will not tolerate her being treated like a piece of meat by him. Act as if you are defending her, so you do not come across as being jealous of her. Tell him that it is embarrassing both for you and for your sister, and that his behaviour makes him come across as perverted and you can tell your sister is uncomfortable with it. If he denies it (which of course he should, if he loves you), then you tell him calmly that if you catch him looking at her like that again, you will go upstairs, pack your bags, and leave him. Maybe that sounds drastic, but if you say this to him calmly, then he will believe you. After all, you say you are lovely looking too, so why should you put up with him staring at your sister? Men can control their reactions, and out of respect for you and your sister, he should not be acting this way. I only hope that your sister dresses appropriately when she visits too - and does not wear tight tops or low cut dresses etc, there is a respectful way of dressing in front of our family and friend's partners. But even if she dresses inappropriately in front of your husband, you are right not to say anything to her about the way your husband is acting. You need to be firm and take a stand about this. He CAN control where his eyes go, he is not 17 years old, and he needs to start appreciating the fact that he is with a beautiful woman himself. Best of luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): I got a older sister, I couldn't imagine this happening and properly would gain a dislike for my sister b/f if he did that too me and yes it's so much worse if your b/f or husband has a crush on your own sister. Don't take it out on your sister, I'm sure she's not encourgaing it. Maybe if you told your husband to stop staring at her in that way? or you could even go a step farther and get your sister to say something to your husband, I'm sure that would put him off.
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