A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I suffer from severe anxiety and depression and I can't stop thinking my bf is going to cheat on me. He's 27, I'm 26 and I know in my heart he wouldn't. He's very against cheating, but I can't get rid of the sick feeling in my stomach when he goes out and stuff. What can I do to control my irrational feelings? Thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, starvega14 +, writes (24 June 2011):
 I've been engaged for over a year now and what I didn't really think about was that my fiance has a lying problem which i knew about.I had hoped that we could work on it together ad get help because the lies didn't seem to be really to bad. As time went on I noticed that they were more often and I wasn't sure if he was telling the truth or not. He always talked his way out of it and I always believed him and usually still do. He was married 18 years before he met me and was only divorced almost two years. He said he was tired of dating. I then moved in. I already have an anxiety disorder, premenapause and I do see a therapist which isn't really doing much for me. I have a very low self esteem and i have had that since I can remember from most men I dated in my past. I seem to attract the wrong guys or is it me? I constantly cry and i revolve my life around him when he's at work wondering what he's doing at work because he's got his own office and he's on his computer alot and that's where he met me! He met me from his job on the internet. He chatted with me quite a bit from his job because he had time on his hands. So whenever I catch him in a lie it makes me wonder what he's really doing at work. Is he chatting or working? I drive myself absolutely crazy and the reason why is because of the lies so really i see it as it's not my fault.Maybe if my he wouldn't lie, i could feel much more secure in our relationship. It's just so hard to walk out the door, any advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011): I also have a fear of my boyfriend cheating, or at least I thought I did until today. It's not the cheating I am worried about, because I know he never would, it's the thought of him even thinking about another woman. My self-esteem is so low, that it bothers me to know that he could be attracted to someone else and that he is thinking about someone else when he is alone (if you know what I mean)
I have the unfortunate circumstance of working with my bf so I have to hear him on the phone when he talks to a particular client. There are actually multiple contacts there, but 2 of them in particular he is VERY friendly with. I really would like to ask him if he is attracted to either of them but I am scared I will sound crazy. I keep telling myself that it's not really flirting, it's only in my head, he is just being friendly. Then I hear him say that one of them sent him a birthday card and I get upset all over again. WHY is she sending him a birhtday card? I mean, who does that?! I could understand if she was his sales person, but she isn't, she is his customer! Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions I would appreciate it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): I feel the exact same as you! I have never been diagnosed with anxiety or depression but it sounds like what i go through every time my boyfriend goes out. I have been with my bf for almost two years and I no he would never ever cheat on me but there's always a sick feeling in my stomach whenever he mentions going out without me. I was cheated on before and I no my current bf wouldn't hurt me like that but i still try and stop him from going out and we have so many fights about it. I dont know what to do about, but I know I need help. can anyone suggest anythin that might help?
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female
reader, Lovethewayyoulie +, writes (9 August 2010):
Wow, do I know how you feel right now. I have been going through the same kind of anxiety myself. I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 years now, and when we first started dating, his ex was always chirping in my ear saying they were still hooking up. When I asked him about it, he said absolutely not, and I believed him because he had been cheated on by the "once" love of his life ALOT, and with his best friend too. He said he would never want to put me through what he went through when he was cheated on. It turned out the ex was completely lying and admitted it to me after about a year. But still, I feel like if im not with him, hes cheating on me. I believe for me the reason why I think that is because he does have a lot of girls who are his friends. He works with alot of girls, and I don't know them because well, he works with them, THATS it. I think that the best way to get over this fear (and I should take my own advice) is when you start thinking those thoughts, just try and take a breath, and focus on what you are doing at that very moment and try not to think the worst of your significant other....
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 Whatever will happen ,will happen .You cannot change events that will happen in the future.
You can only accept whatever will occur and accept whatever is fated to happen.
Try to think more positive or develop a positive attitude.
Stop worrying about things which are beyond your control.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2010): Your post made me feel a bit teary because I have the same problem. I also suffer from severe anxiety and depression and get that sick feeling when my boyfriend goes out which can lead to anxiety attacks. I don't want to say "I know what your going through" but I think I have a fair idea.
I had cognitive behavioural therapy for around a year (was referred by my doctor to a psychologist) to try and deal with this problem (among others such as dealing with anxiety and depression in general)and it did help but it doesn't equal a cure. A supportive partner is absolutely essential for the therapy to have maximum effect. The therapy helps you build up a trust with your partner which in turn lessens the anxeity and fear of him cheating. Unfortunately my partner was not supportive which I think greatly affected how well it went (although don't get me wrong it did still help and I ended up better than before). So hopefully if your boyfriend is supportive you will have even better results. Also you should speak to your doctor about anxiety/depression meds if you haven't already.
I really do wish you the best of luck as I know how awful this sort of thing can be
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female
reader, rainbowmaker  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 Oh boy do i know how you feel! When i was cheated on by previous boyfriends i just got it stuck in my head that every guy was gonna be the same. My fiance and i have had so many rows over cheating you wouldnt believe! I was convinced that he fancied all my friends and that he was flirting with them. (i'm still uneasy about him talking to certain people) He is the same as your boyfriend, against cheating but it still doesnt stop those feelings your having does it? I think what aphexinfinite has said though is quite true, you just have to make peace with yourself and realise that if he's going to do it then there's not much you can do about it. It's kind of hard to get your head round that, almost like accepting the worst but believe me, if you dont want to drive your boyfriend to the thing your so scared of happening then you need to get these thoughts under control.
I love my fiance with all that i am and i know that if he did cheat on me i would be utterly devastated and i would never forgive him. I also know that him betraying me like that would be the hardest thing i would ever have to get over but, there's something i do that makes me feel a wee bit better when i think about it and it might just make you feel better too.
I have wonderful friends and family around me, the best anyone could ask for and i know that if he was to do that to me, yes it would be hard but i would have so many people around me to help me. In time things would get easier and i would be ok.
The thing is you cant keep worrying about something that may never happen. You need to trust each other and a good way to build that is by talking to each other, let him know your fears but in a way that wont push him away. Get it all out once and for all, then you can start to move forward. Please dont let the green eyed monster destroy what you have with your man. Otherwise it wont just be him you push away, it will be all the others after him too.
If he cheats on you then my friend he wasnt worth it. He doesnt deserve you. But until that day comes (if he loves you and you keep your jealousy under control, it never will) enjoy the time you spend together. Have fun, laugh, love each other, dont let it eat you up inside. And remember you are NEVER alone!
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female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (10 May 2010):
 least you know you have to change that is the first step. i know how you feel i felt the same on more than one occasion but if you dont stop this you will either ruin a good thing or make him go off and cheat. men dont like to be nagged and weighed down with certain behaviour. for me i just kept telling myself if he is going to cheat he will and if he wont he wont their is nothing i can do to change that. and if i cannot accept this then i may aswell end the relationship because it wont work without trust. trust is the key ingriedient in a relationship. he is with you because he loves you and w ants to be in a relationship with you. enjoy the little things or you will miss out on the big picture if you dont have proof and you believe he wouldnt cheat on you then that is it end of trust him and move on. other wise its not going to work and you may aswell end the relationship now. i hope this has helped good luck aphex xx
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