A
female
age
30-35,
*ystymizer
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for half a year and we now have an apartment together. On a daily basis our relationship is fantastic and we love each other very much, I even believe (cornily enough) that he is the one. But I have a large insecurity issue when it comes to pornography. I do not agree with it and never have, and I cannot ever see myself doing so in the future. My boyfriend, however, says he needs to watch it every once and awhile to keep his sex drive going. He also gives me the excuse that he watches it because it's fantasies that he cannot fufill in real life, ie. Lesbians and group sex. I know it's immature for me to be feeling and reacting the way I do, but I feel as though it's a violation of our trust when he watches porn. To me it's the samething as cheating because it's getting off on somebody else - which is what cheating is. I feel disgusted, disrespected and devalued because of him watching porn especially because it's usually lesbians or group sex so it's a fantasy I cannot fufill. I feel like I'm not good enough for him to satisfy him. I promise that I would fufill any of his fantasies whenever he wanted me to as long as it only involved the two of us (objects allowed, just no other people) and I am very sexually open and we are quite active with one another. So why does he keep watching porn? Especially when he knows how terrible it makes me feel? I even get into a panic attack sometimes over this and it's extremely unnerving and is putting a giant strain on our otherwise great relationship. Please help me if you can.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): I dont think that you are being unreasonable at all. A lot of men may do it but a lot don't, (a lot less than 99% do). You need to know that your partner is interested only in you and if you were truely worth that much to him then as much as he might want to watch porn as well, he should stop for you. It's perfectly reasonable to want your partner to only have those feelings with you and not with another girl whether on a screen or not. There's no reason why he needs to so just talk to him again and tell him why and if he still refuses to stop then you'll have to offer him an ultimatum. Alternatively, you could comprimise to possibly watch porn with him and work it into your sex life, fore play or whatever.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (10 December 2010):
 Alright, I can't say it better than k_c100 did here, so I'll just quote it for you. I hope she doesn't mind.
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A female reader, k_c100 + ?, writes (3 November 2010):
Ok in brief - this is the reality with 99% of men and porn:
1. It is fantasy and they are well aware of that. They know the boobs are fake, the pictures are airbrushed, the movies are enhanced in post production, the lighting makes the girls look great, they have hair extensions, fake eyelashes and a tonne of make-up on. They know these girls are not REAL, they are entirely fake therefore a fantasy. They dont want this in real life, they just look at this in a similar way to us girls drooling over Gerard Butler in 300 (all his muscles were enhanced post production to make him look like that).
2. It is an escape. This is very important and you need to understand this - when men have sex with a girl, or even fooling around with oral and mutual masturbation, they experience a lot of pressure. Us girls basically can just lie there and enjoy, and choose if we want to do any work or not. We are also quite complex down below, compared to the penis which is comparitively straight forward. Therefore men feel pressure to a) please us b) make sure they get off too. They are doing a lot of the work during sex unless the girl is on top, so (I know how weird this sounds) sex is actually hard work for them. Therefore, to watch porn (which speeds things along as men are visual creatures and it helps to look at something) and masturbate is the easiest way to release tension and get off.
3. They are not entirely interested in the women, it is the sexual act taking place. Yes it is nice that the girl is hot and easy on the eye, but the main thing that turns them on is the sexual act taking place. This clearly makes sense, because if they were only interested in the girls then all men would only watch lesbian porn. But the fact that men are involved in the porn films shows it is the sexual act taking place, rather than the attractiveness of the girl that is the turn on. I know a lot of men actually watch porn and imagine doing that to their girlfriends, they just might not talk about it with their girlfriends because they are not great at talking about sex.
I agree that lying about it is pointless, but us girls need to stop making it such a big deal because that is what is making men so cagey about it. If we tried to be more open and understanding, then eventually men would realise they no longer have to lie!
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This sums it up. The vast majority of men I know fall in to this category.
Porn is something that you'll either have to come to grips with, or decide it's something you don't want and leave. This isn't to try to marginalize your feelings on the issue, but many men actually watch a lot more porn than your BF. There are guys out there who hate porn, or don't watch it, but they are the minority.
Think about these questions. Their answers will determine how much of a problem he has with porn.
- Does he still actively seek you for sex?
- Is he willing to have sex when you want to?
- Does he turn to porn when you want sex?
- Is your sex life satisfying to you?
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A
female
reader, mysticpurple  +, writes (10 December 2010):
Hi there
He likes it .. you dont... at least he was open and honest to tell you why he likes it ..lots of people hide the fact they watch porn.
Why not a compromise,, he watches it while your not there... if its keeps your good relationship going... after all you be getting the spoils :)
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