A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Stuck in a Rutt and can't get out! My live in man is 45. We split briefly last year and I now totally regret us getting back together. He set up home on his own after our strained relationship failed due to his abusive behaviour.After almost a year of the two of us just being friends I some how let him talk me into having him back. It was supposed to be slow at first, the next thing I know he's sold furniture and has put his place up for rent. So things were ok, trouble is now we argue and he critises me often, although he hasn't been physically abusive, he can be verbally. By calling my ugly etc. there is no connection between us and I feel more like his mother than his lover.He did however live with her well into his forties, but once on his own decided he wanted to do the family thing. I hold a lot of resentment to him but never bring up past issues. We sleep seperatly, mainly me in with my kid's room. Sex is only a few times a year. The lack of communication is driving me mad. Even when we fall out we never discuss why it just goes away. He says he will go if I want him to but he won't see the children and also he wants me to give him the money he sold his furniture for. Basically around £2000 should do it. I don't want any bitterness however it seems easier to just live this way as I'm sure he won't go until be has got enough cash to go!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 April 2013):
 If you are that unhappy and you have to stake him to get him out I'd do it.
It's YOUR HOME stop sleeping with the kids and put him on the couch.
Make his life miserable. stop DOING for him.
no laundry
no cleaning
no cooking
no shopping
do not talk to him
do not engage him in conversation
become a broken record "we have nothing to discuss when are you leaving?" would be my ONLY response if I really wanted him gone...
if the kids are not his good riddance to bad rubbish.
if they are his... get a good lawyer and make sure that support payments are in place. You can't force him to see the kids but I'm betting he's just posturing to make you cave in.... do not cave in to blackmail.
A
male
reader, bucho888  +, writes (3 April 2013):
Your man really has issues.But one thing is sure,he doesn't deserve you for you deserve better.He will never change.Move on with your life.you have your kids to think of.Goodluck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): Stuck in a very similar situation myself. It is unhealthy, unproductive and ,quite frankly, depressing. Finish the relationship.In my case, she won't leave, but that's a whole different story......
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 April 2013):
 What is it that's preventing you from turfing him out?
Are you afraid he will follow through on his threat not to see the kids? You can't put yourself in danger just to give your children a father. Even if he treats them better than he treats you, his being there causes them stress. You're not doing anyone any favours (except him) by keeping him around.
Are you afraid he will become a physical threat? That is more likely to happen the longer he's allowed to stay and get comfy. Call whatever friends and family you have for logistical and moral support. And don't hesitate to contact police if he becomes menacing.
You don't owe him any money since he's already been paid for the furniture he sold. You allowed him into your home with the understanding (spoken or unspoken) that he behaved himself. He hasn't so he can eat the cost of setting himself up somewhere else. He'd owe you child support anyway.
You owe it to no one, not even your children, to put up with ill treatment. At the very most they might miss him, but they will adjust. Your well being (and theirs) comes first. When they are grown and live on their own they can have whatever relationship they want with their father.
Do not suffer alone and in silence. Surround yourself with friends and family. Keep those people up to date about what's been going on. And be tough as nails with him. As long as he thinks you care about him, or will tolerate anything for the sake of the kids, he will have you over a barrel.
Speak to an attorney. Instruct the school only to release the kids to your custody each day. Get your ducks in a row and when you're ready, toss him out.
Make sure he understands, by your actions not your words, that you will be as ruthless as you think you have to be and you will crucify him if he doesn't co-operate.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 April 2013):
 OK.. so you've "been through it" (the abuse and incompatibility) with this guy TWICE.....
NOW, learn from that.... keep it in the forefront of your mind.... AND, tell him, "Sorry, Hunchy-bunchy, but you're now screwed with me a SECOND time... and I've (finally) caught on.... so, please vacate my address, and don't ever look back. I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU, EVER AGAIN!!!!!"
That should get the message to him... AND, YOU have to remember that message.... FOREVER!!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (2 April 2013):
 Hi
I don't know if the children are his,with you or just yours as he lived with his mum into his forties.If they are just your children then he doesn't have to see them if he chooses not to. If they are his,he's probably bluffing and am sure he would come round eventually.
As he has his own house he can give his tenants notice and be moved back in within 6 weeks.The money he got from selling his furniture is not your problem,it was his choice to spend it and not bank it 'just in case' so just point that out to him.
So, basically, you can give him a date in 5-6 weeks to leave your home.It must be an awful atmosphere for the children so the sooner he has gone the better for everyone.You can all move on and you know it's never going to work out so won't be tempted to have him back.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 April 2013):
 First of all I'm sure he is just being bitter when he said he wont see the children, if he is their father of course he will want to see them, he is just saying that for effect. He has to pay child maintenance, so legally he will be tied to the children and if you ask to set a visitation agreement up I'm sure he would agree. If he still claims he's never going to see the kids well I'd leave him to stew for a while, give him a couple of months and he'll come round.
As for the money, well its his own stupid fault for spending the money that the sale of his furniture brought in! He chose to sell it, he made money when he sold the furniture so it was his choice to spend the money that he received from the sale. It is not your responsibility to furnish the flat of a 45 year old man, he is a grown up and needs to look after himself. He should have saved the money that he made when he sold the furniture just in case, it is not your fault he is irresponsible with his money.
Dont let him bully you into staying put just because he doesnt have furniture, that is his own fault and he needs to sort it out. As you said, you are not his mother and shouldnt be financially bailing out a grown man.
If you want to end the relationship, then end it and tell him he has 6 weeks to move out. If he has rented the house out that he owns he only needs to give the current tenants 4 weeks notice and they have to vacate the property. So 6 weeks gives him more than enough time to get the tenants out and an extra 2 weeks to move himself back in and sort himself out. What he does about furniture is not your problem, he has to sort his own life out and not rely on others to solve his problems.
Dont put up with a relationship you are unhappy with just because he is too immature to sort his own problems out - stop allowing him to treat you like his mother and move on. He needs to learn a lesson, and he is going to have to learn it the hard way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): You are within your rights to tell him to leave your home any time you wish. As for owing you money for furniture. If he sold his furniture, why is he asking you for money? Who gets the proceeds from the rental of his home? He sounds as if he is doing very well there! Throw him out and if he wont budge, call the police and they will remove him for you. He sounds like a regular cuckoo in the nest.
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