A
female
age
30-35,
*inkrok
writes:Ok... I am a mum of two. A 3 year old and 6 month old. Due to my son still being young im not working but my partner is, But he helps out with nothing at home! Its driving me mad. He does nothing for the little ones, feeding, bathing, cooking, nappy changes, preschool run for the eldest. I do it all, as well as doing everything for the kids im cooking his meals, his washing, running his baths... basically waiting on him hand and foot. He has this idea in his head that that's what women are for... although he goes on and on about me working too. He says i should be more sociable, which i want and try to do but when i ask him to watch the kids he replys with ''no'' because he's 'sqeemish' about changing the youngest's nappy! so i never get the chance to have time out for me. He also has a temper and kicks off over the smallest of things... i've told him he should seek some help for this but says he doesnt have a problem. I put up with it all because i love him and dont want to break up. We argue nearly every day because i ask him to help etc... Dont know what to do anymore :( ??? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (10 March 2010):
I understand its not easy being a young mum to juggle running a home. If he brings home the bacon you really can't expect a 50/50 split on chores. More like 80/20, you doing most of it. The best thing for you to do is sit down and plan for a week ahead at a time. When I was your age, I used to cook at least a week's worth of food at a time. For example I would make a cottage pie, macaroni cheese, chicken curry, fish and chips etc then I would stick it in the freezer in portions. Come dinner time/ lunch time it was just reheating in the oven or microwave. Secondly, plan your chores on a written up notice. Don't do everything every day. Vacuum every other day and do laundry every 3 or 4 days. Thirdly, telling him you need help is not good enough. Tell him exactly what you want him to do on a daily basis and maybe even put up a notice for him to follow. For instance, he can get his own breakfast in the mornings and run his own bath. He should also put his clothes in the laundry basket himself. Maybe every evening he can feed the older child. Don't try and take over if he is messing up; just turn a blind eye and leave 'em to it to help them bond. He could also be responsible for bathing and putting the older one to bed every night with a story. Thereafter he can take out the trash or whatever. During the week you can't expect him to do much else. Maybe he could vacuum on Saturdays and do Saturday dinner, which will probably end up being a take out night as most men do. So just sit and plan a routine rather than fumbling each day; you are the manager of your home so you have to organize and supervise. Even your 3 year old should be assigned duties like putting his toys away and making his bed which you can finish off (I am a mother of 3 so I know it can be done).
As for your relationship, you two both sound very stressed. Why don't you ask for help once a week from your mum or his? For example, your mum could take the kids from noon on Saturday so you and your boyfriend can get to go out and you can pick them after dinner in the evening. Even with a young family you need time for each other as lovers. Don't be a control freak like I was, refusing to relinquish any time apart from your kids because you feel nobody else can do it/they might cry etc. You need that time for yourself or with your man so you can regenerate to cope better with the week ahead. As they get older, you should let them sleep over on weekends at grannies too. It just takes some thinking and planning and a huge dose of courage... All the best.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 I know this isn't funny to you, but I could but smile a bit when I read that "he says he doesn't have a problem" with the current situation. Because he doesn't have any :-) at the time, and he would if he decided to lend a hand. So the strong incentive is for him to do nothing and let you sort everything out by yourself. You've shown you can do it, haven't you?
Many of us men aren't raised to think that we need to help at home. He wasn't. The only way to get him to do more is something like "Hey, move your ass and do this and that". Saying otherwise would be bla bla bla.
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A
female
reader, TellMeAnything  +, writes (10 March 2010):
Do as much as a busy mom can do. Tell him how this bothers you. Tell him what you need. Tell him how this makes you feel. If this fails just let the choures go. Take care of you&babies only. he willC
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A
female
reader, babymonkey422 +, writes (9 March 2010):
 Awww I'm sorry you're going through this... you're a very strong woman so don't you forget that ok? You also deserve to be respected and appreciated so don't beat yourself up.
If I were you I would schedule an app. for couple's counseling and if he just completely disregards even the idea let alone going then tell him you need it bc you're unhappy in this relationship but love and care about him so want to get help to make things work. Tell him you're not happy with how things are working out but don't want the relationship to fail so to please do this for you and come get help.
Another little thing I've read somewhere is to praise him when he actually does help. Even if it's something really little like putting his coat up instead of throwing it on the floor. Come to him and be like, "wow thank you so much honey for putting your coat up :) I appreciate the help :)" I know it sounds silly but men have simple minds, they don't respond to "nagging" even if it's justified. They respond to praises and such.
I hope I helped... even a little. Good luck with everything.
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