A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is about my father.... He and my mum split up when we were really youngand he's gone from woman to woman, none of which i particularly liken for exapmle the first one made me sleep in a cage when I was there an dmy dad was on nights, the second was a raging acoholic the third was a drug addict and the fourth was evil... well you get the picture... The thing is he has always put his women before me and my sister ever since I can remember and there have always been broken promises. I lived with him for a short while with the evil gilfriend (due to exams in school and my mum monved away I was moving with er at a later date) In that time he and his girlfriend would hurl abuse at me putting me down all the time, I was being bullied in school because of her daughter and he did nothing, I needed school shoes but he never bought me any landing me in detention time after time... I became so low I stopped eating. Instead of changin his ways he simply shipped me off to my mum straight after my exams with no attempt to keep me there and make me happy. Recently it was my 21st and he forgot (He lives in diff part of country now) I had to ask for a birthday card. I have found myself crying when I think of him and there are things I jsut can't forgive him for and it's getting harder and harder to forgive the things he does or doesn't do... I'm desperate here. I know I need to talk to him but where do i start what do I say? I don't want him to cry because that would cut me in two. but My sister (Younger) wants nothing to do with him if she can help it, me ont he other had don't want to lose him I want a dad. Please help...
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 April 2008):
 Dear, I was sad to hear your story. I can imagine how heartbroken you are over this. I was very sad to read you wrote "I want a dad". To me, this is you, as a little child, broken because you receive no affection.
The best advice I can give you is to do what your sister has done. Your father won't change just because you need him. He has always known you needed him, and he just didn't care. He is a lost cause, and I wouldn't waste another precious second of my time trying to win his affection. The man has a callous heart and won't change.
I am way more worried about you. The fact that a mean person doesn't care that much about you is eating you from inside. You're a valuable individual, and you should be strong enough to live your life happily even if that man won't come your way. You know, as I see it, these are your options:
1) live in misery because he is a bastard
2) accept he is a bastard, and live your life happily, without expecting him to come to you.
I think your choice should be obvious.
Your life isn't made of what your father gives you or fails to give. It is made of the affection of many other people and the many happy experiences you can have if you let them come, or, even better, if you look for them. To be clear, if you make them happen. This is what you should be thinking about.
You know, there's something someone never tells you about forgiveness. If you're fixed on a wrong someone did you in the past, that person still has influence over you and, in a way, controls you. If you forgive, honestly forgive, that person ceases to have influence on you, and the bad memory goes away because it becomes unimportant. I'm not saying that you forget what they did to you. It is serious enough for you not to let them into your life again. I just would recommend you to forgive, and move on.
I live in a country where most children never live with their parents. Well, maybe not most, but a susbstantial number. What you describe, without the terrible things like the cage, happens, and will continue to happen, to a substantial number of children here. And they are all alive! Every person who comes down here says we're happy people!
Once, I knew the story of this Spanish friend. His father convinced his mother to move to Mexico. He would just sell all the stuff and would go there. She went, and he never sold anything, and never ever went to Mexico. The wife became a seamstress (she didn't have an education, you know) and she had to work very hard, alone, to raise three children in a foreign country. They divorced without ever seeing each other again. At the time, children of divorced couples were always bullied at school. They were taught to think that they were miserable beings who had been abandoned and forsaken. Which used to paralyze them, and make them unable to go out and take the bull by the horns.
As a family, they never returned to Spain. When this friend of mine was a grown man, he returned to Spain and tried to see his father. He made it to his father's doorstep, but didn't see him because the man never opened the door.
That made him think whether he had actually lost something in his life because of his father's absence. And he saw that no, he hadn't. He had lived the life he could live, and his attempts to bring his father back into it were ruining it.
And he's alive, too! And he lives a happy life! He didn't repeat his father's evil actions. I think he doesn't know where his father is at the moment, and that is only so right. The father was the one who didn't want them in his life, to begin with.
Be strong and live happily. That is what you deserve. You have the means to give yourself a happy life. Go on and do it.
A
female
reader, indie girl +, writes (11 April 2008):
He's not worth it, he doesn't deserve to even go near you. He's totally failed you as a father. He should be deeply ashamed.
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