A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. Sorry, this is a bit of a long one.My best friend is female, we've been friends for about 10 years and she's married. The past couple of years, she's sank into depression. This is due in part to her husband never being there due to work and when he is 'home' he's out drinking with his friends. I've done my best to keep her spirits up, always been there for her at the drop of a hat and keep her smiling and laughing. She's been a lot better and came off the anti-depressants. The situation with her husband remains.A couple of days ago, I was over at her house for our afternoon tea and chat. She seemed distracted and I knew something was on her mind. Eventually, I was able to get it out of her. She told me that she has feelings for me that run deeper than friendship. Something hit me at that point and the same feelings came to the surface in me as well. I took the sensible approach and told her that although we have these feelings for each other, we're best friends, I'll always be there for her and I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardise that. Plus, she's married and the best thing to do is either open up to her husband about how she feels about his continual absence, which she then told me that she had done but to no avail, or separate from him. She agreed with me.When I went to leave, I walked to the door and turned round to say goodbye. When I turned, she kissed me on the lips and I didn't pull away. I put my arms round her and we carried on kissing. Before I knew it, we were naked and making love in her bed. It was amazing to say the very least. Nothing seemed awkward or unusual as we lay there afterwards. We made love for a second time a few minutes later. When I finally left, I was on cloud nine for a couple of hours but I've had time to think since. Now I'm confused. We have spoken since and neither of us regret what happened. However, we do now admit our feelings are deeper for one another but I'm worried that she may see me as an escape from her loveless marriage. I'm hoping she sees me as the one who was right in front of her all along but I'm too scared to ask her. She's tried to work on her marriage but it hasn't worked. How do I approach her to find out what she really wants?Thank you and please, no telling me off for having sex with a married woman.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014): In my opinion you are both mature adults, you both have to think deeply and decide what you want. If you love each other deeply and think you can be happy together permanently then you should start procedures to get her divorce her husband which seems he would welcome if he is already neglecting her as you mention, and then you can marry her and live happily ever after with her - otherwise you have to keep away from her and sever all relations, and this can only be done in such situations if you move away to another town far far away from her. Otherwise this love triangle will drag along with suffering to all concerned.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (29 April 2014):
 This story reminds me of those many cliches about revealing just who you are by how you behave "when no one's looking"......
How this will turn out.... who knows? But you will always know that you opted for the wrong choice when you had a chance to behave far better....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 April 2014):
 Quite simply, you have advanced an emotional affair to a physical affair. As natural as falling off a rock. There is now no question as to what your relationship is. The only question is where it is going to go. My advice is to take off the rose glasses and step out of the fog. You show inclinations to do so and the sooner you do it the better for both of you.
To answer your direct question, You already know what she wants. If you don't know Honey explained it perfectly. What a person wants is not always what is best for them. You are in a situation to be more sane about this so you should be.
To answer your indirect question. Of course physical intimacy felt natural to both of you. You have built a long relationship of other than physical intimacies. You know more about her marriage than her husband does.
FA
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (29 April 2014):
 I'm deeply suspicious about these feelings you've had for her that only surfaced after she told you she had feelings. I think you need to be honest with yourself about that: have you always had a 'thing' for her, or was it more about an ego boost, or excitement about having sex with her? Deep, loving feelings don't just pop up out of nowhere.
"I'm hoping she sees me as the one who was right in front of her all along" - is that really true, OP? Do you really want to take this woman on and have proper relationship with her? As Cerberus points out, she's not the most trustworthy of people and she has issues.
How do you approach her? Leave it several, several days until you are absolutely sure of your own feelings. Don't have sex with her again before a decision one way or anohter way is made, because that will leave your head in even more a pickle.
I once talked to a guy who was having an affair with a woman in an unhappy marriage who wouldn't leave (of course she talked about leaving, but never did it). As he put it, she used him whenever she felt lonely and horny, and he was a miserable, miserable man as a result. He knew she was lying to him and lying to her husband (his previous best friend). I'd avoid being that man at all costs, if I were you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): Unfortunately for you, OP, you can't trust her feelings for you, not even in the slightest.
I won't tell you off for banging a married woman but you're a complete fool to bang one in emotional distress and this vulnerable, then let your heart hope that it's real. Of course she's going to think her knight in shining armour is the "real" love of her life right now, but the reality is if that was the case then how come it took ten years?
OP your history with her is one of being in the friendzone and from a guy who has happily acted as plenty of my friend's sexual release during times of depression or extreme anguish I can tell you ten years she's been in love with someone else and for feelings to suddenly pop up or for her to claim "she always kind of knew" is just too coincidental.
Now you are a dick, you know you are. You're that slimy low life that plays hero to another man's woman all the while hoping you can steal her away. For that you're probably going to get burned here by her. Once she realises you've been waiting for this moment for 10 years everything she thought she knew about you will be blown apart. Sure right now it might seem her ticket to freedom, but you can't trust that and you know it.
Oh come on man, after 10 years which do you think it is; are you the escape or the one who was always there all along and she only realised it now?
Depressed woman, in a marriage where she feels cold and alone, in a very vulnerable mental state and has had a decade of opportunities to get with you and took none of them.
You can't do anything to find out what she really wants, you know what that is. You're her escape and what she wants is for more "accidents" to happen like the last time or she may end up telling you that it can't happen again.
OP she's basically a woman on the rebound, lonely, needing of company but you're a poor substitute for the man she really wants to be with, because she married him.
Seriously man, 10 years and not a sniff of something like this tells you all you need to know.
In your situation I'd put it down to what it was for me (although they were during break ups I've never cheated with or on anyone), just a sexual release of the sadness and pain, a distraction and a way to vent sexual frustration. Nothing more profound than that.
I'd treat it like that and leave it at that. if she tries again then I'd stop her and ask her to talk about it instead. The last thing you want is to get sucked into a sexual relationship with a woman who can't give you what you want, you have feelings for and who is also a friend. protecting that friendship means not getting into such a mess with her and fucking things up just to get your dick wet.
And yes, she's married. So remember what she can do to you too if you did end up with her, she has a history of depression and not being able to cope, and now she has a history of turning to other men for sex as a coping mechanism.
She cannot be trusted.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 April 2014):
 She does see you as her white knight, her way out. Or as her security blanket that makes things OK (if only temporarily) I know you say you don't regret it, but you also don't seem to grasp that while the sex was amazing it's NOT the right thing to do. For either of you.
She might want to continue the sex with you and stay married. Because let's face it, it's the EASY option. SHE gets affection and sex from you, and "security" from being married.
She has been so down about her marriage that SHE sought help and anti-depressants... WHY not just divorce? It the marriage is so loveless and harmful to her? WHY stay?
I would (if I were you) back off a bit and I would NOT have sex with her again til you two have talked this out.
Her having sex with you is her trying to patch up her life. INSTEAD of fixing her marriage or walking away from her marriage she looked for attention and affection OUTSIDE her marriage.
If she left him and went straight to you... DO you think you could trust her to not do the same to you down the line? I mean if she can cheat on her husband, don't you think it's feasible that she can cheat on you?
How do you approach her? You ASK her. You talk to her in person (and no kissing, no sex, no cuddles) TALK like adults. You want to know where you stand, and I think she at least owes you that.
As for the moral aspect of it... I won't even go there.
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