A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi every one, please could you give me some advice? My boyfriend and i have been together over three years and i love him very much. He has suffered from depression in the past and over the years has left me several times onlx to realise and come back. More recently we had an arguement because he said i was in a mood because i was quiet. When actuallx i was feeling unwell. He knew this as had had to stop the car as i felt sick earlier in the day. But he insisted i was quiet because i was getting insecure about him and i? It became a row because he would not listen insisting he knew what i was thinking. He didnt speak to me for a week. I was upset and now he texts me saying that all our problems stem from me being insecure. This isnt true although recently when we spoke about living together i said i was nervous because having done this before how could i move house with my kids again with the risk of him goin funny, distant and eventually leaving again leaving me in a bad situation. As previously having rented my house out i had no where to go. He goes cold, distant and un affectionate and when i mention this its me bein insecure when anyone would be dubious. Its taken him a week to think and the conclusion he comes to is still that its me not the fact that i was ill and was simply a little quiet. How can i get him to listen to me and realise that his actions can make me in secure but i really felt ill? He wont look at himself or his behaviour ever and i dont see why i should be told what i'm thinking when its wrong? Please help. X
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): thank you so much for all of your responses. You are all so so right. I am not messing my children's heads up with this stupid situation ever again. And you are right its me that needs to straighten it out once and for all. I.ve never let anyone do this before so its ridiculous to start now. i so see what you were saying about the mirroring so thank you, i'm goin to read more about that. However at his age i doubt he will change and i'm too old for this childish relationship. I do love him so much but funny how i feel relief without him. Really appreciate your help x x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): Hi there,
i think you know deep down what decision you need to make. If i were you I would think long and hard on getting back with this guy. Have you considered asking your children their thoughts of you as a family setting up home with this man again? Remember you come as a family unit and I bet his behaviour affects them. Kids pickup on things so easily, even if they havent seen you two arguing they will sense the tension. Stop putting this man first. You and your kids should be your no 1 priority.
Regards.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (5 April 2011):
 He's using you as his mirror.
What he feels he projects onto you.
Like when my mother would say you must be cold put on a sweater when it was she who was cold.
Look up all you can on Avoidant Personality Disorder.
He has a personality disorder and they say they can only be changed through behavior techniques and that's if they recognize it and want to do something about it. Other than that you'll have to accept him for him or make new choices.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 April 2011):
You know, there is a point where you need to stop allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat, and you are right there. Your whole post screams of a woman who is, perhaps, glossing over the fact that her boyfriend is actually a cruel control freak. This man's behaviour is shockingly bad. He is controlling in the way he handles you, he clearly has massive issues within his own mind, he's always walking away then coming back, and he simply won't listen. Yes, he has depression, but that is simply not an excuse to treat someone this way.
You have GOT to make a real, final decision about this man. I know you love him, but he really provides you with nothing. You can't continually put yourself or your children in this kind of situation. You and your children need a stable home in order to function. This man doesn't have what it takes mentally to allow for that. All he will do is wreck everything. Worse, your own children may grow up to start losing respect for you because you allow yourself to be treated this way.
I'm sorry, but there is no way this man will listen. He is beyond that. Your best bet would just be to move on from him. He's not good enough, he won't deal with his own problems and he is taking his own inadequacies and projecting them on you. You need and deserve more than this, and you are now the one who needs to make a decision about this man. There is simply no advice anyone can give you to make a man like this listen, because he is beyond that and needs real, professional help.
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