A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:Hi I've been married for nearly over 5 years and my marriage seems to be going downhill really fast. Its been nearly over a year since we had sex and she's alway putting it off with some excuse or another. The other thing that worries me is that she hasn't even once brought out the subject of kids and when I press her all I get is a "Yes I do want kids" and that's where it stops.I know this isn't enough information, but does anyone other there have any suggestions? Please dont suggest talking to her as that never amount to anything other than slamming of doors. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): We did have a brief discussion about having kids before marriage - basically we both agreed that we liked kids and wanted them. But the discussion never did go into specifics.
I have a question, if my wife does look after me - I mean she makes sure that there is cooked food in the kitchen, the laundry is done, etc, does that mean she cares? Is this a sufficient reason to stay with her? We don’t have anything in common, we don’t even share a similar taste in music, nor do we share secrets or even talk about our families. I just found from a friend that my brother-in-law is expecting a baby with his girlfriend anytime soon & I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Sorry, one more question. When you got married, had you discussed having children? And what was the outcome of that discussion?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 April 2008):
Eyeswideopen is correct here. You're going to be stuck in exactly this same spot a year from now if you don't take concrete action. I would still go for counseling if I were you; you will still learn a lot even if the other side isn't presented. As she's not interested in sharing her side with a counselor, that's kind of up to you to decide if you want to continue tolerating the lack of commitment to doing what it might take to save the relationship.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Once again, if she refuses to sort this out with you or with a counselor, I think you have to separate. I just don't see this going anywhere.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): Thank you everyone for you input, suggestions and especially for taking time to listen to me. It really gets difficult when you can’t discuss these things with anyone, especially family and friends.
When I said “..…that’s where it stops”, I was referring to the fact that she never brings the topic regarding kids up for discussion. I’m always the one telling her that I want kids, but not once has she brought the topic up, not even a casual conversation.
We normally have this massive arguments every few months and then decide to part ways, but that only lasts a few days and then things are back to normal, probably because we don’t act on the threat or because we care about each other or may be I too scared to be alone, not sure!? I am so confused and the problem is that I feel like I need professional help, but don’t want to go alone because I think the counsellor needs to hear both sides of the story and not just mine; as she refuses to go to a marriage counsellor for help.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 The refusal to talk is the problem. How can anything happen while the other party has closed the lines of communication?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): Is she in your age range? If so, I can't even see her being able to have kids at over 40 years old. I couldn't imagine not wanting sex in an entire year! I want it every day almost with my husband. Her lack of sexual interest in you is a really huge sign that something is wrong & it doesn't sound like she is really into the marriage. If she won't talk or go to counseling to work on this relationship you have no option but to leave. You'll be miserable if you stay with her. Something must have happened with in the last couple years to make her act this way. Perhaps she met someone else?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 April 2008):
I have to agree with the other posters here. If she won't talk about it, you have essentially been given no choice but to end the relationship. That is unless you're willing to go on with things the way they stand, and it sounds like you are done with that.
Line up a marriage counselor, a real estate agent and a marital/divorce attorney. Go see them all first, figure out your options with regard to the marriage, what to do with your house (assuming you own one together) if you split, and what you need to do to split assets in case of a divorce.
Then tell her what you've done. If this doesn't get her talking, nothing will. And then at least you've got a game plan to move forward with a separation, should it come to that.
I can't even begin to guess at what is in her head; it could be anything from depression, to an affair, to a sexual orientation issue, who knows? We could only speculate here, and it won't help you. What you can do to help yourself, as she seems to be unwilling to talk at all, is to get good counsel from professionals so that when you do confront her on this, you know what to expect in a worst-case scenario.
Sorry I don't have much more optimistic advice. Good luck, and let us know how things go.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 Well, if talking to her only gets you a slammed door, I suggest you do the same. Pack your bags, and slam the door closed forever. It's clear that you love this woman, but I don't think you have a future here. The good part is that you don't have children to worry about, and I'm sure her feelings won't be hurt, and she won't miss you, if you leave.
Go find someone else. That's fun.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 April 2008):
Wow over a year? Buddy, you are wasting precious time. Try to get her to sit down for a chat one more time. If she refuses you have no choice but to pack your bags and move out and onto a brighter future. This is no way to live. Good luck and keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (28 April 2008):
If she refuses to talk then tell her you want a separation. Tell her you want to find a woman who loves you and wants kids before you get too old so can't hang around.
This will either scare her into talking to you or get her to admit that she doesn't want to be with you long term.
Get her to agree to go to councelling. You can't wait forever.
Good Luck!! xx
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