A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:After the initial honeymoon first six months of sex, my husband of 2 years has never been hungry for sex or had a high sex drive. It has bothered me hugely as I love sex and believed he did at first. As time has progressed, it has got fewer and fewer and I always feel like I am begging him for the sexual attention and that he is pleased once it is over. Sex is just matriomonial style to him, nothing more exciting and it only ever lasts for a few minutes with him actually not lasting more than a minute before ejaculating. He does not think he has any problems and certainly will not discuss it with me. Consequently when we do have sex, I feel I made him feel reassured and loved but he never sees it as making love, just sex - he says this openly. He constantly touches himself, and able to make himself hard very quickly. However, when I touch him, it is a long time before I can even make him hard, if at all - it seems a struggle. He will not even entertain oral sex even though I have asked for it and said I would love to do it for him - he just insn't interested. When we first met I did it a couple of times but he just laughed saying "it tickled".Sex had to be pre-planned ie it has to be a certain night and we have to go to bed at a certain time to make sure we are done before proper bed time. This is his decision not mine, I like spontaneous sex, he just can't respond to it.I am now constantly using masturbation on myself to release the frustrations I am feeling and recently did it whilst lying next to him. He stroked my leg but had no thrill to take it any further. Eventually I placed his hand where I wanted it but to me it felt like it was a chore to him. So I kissed him and he then started to say he didn't like tongue kissing (which I wasn't doing anyway) so turned his face away from me. So I ended up sorting myself out sexually, again.What I can't understand and would appreciate from a guy's perspective is what is going on here? Why doesn't he get turned on? Why does sex have to be planned? He says he loves me and cannot imagine not spending the rest of his life with me.What can I do to liven things up so I feel I am in a win-win situation? He does not like sexy underwear, porn or any sexual suggestions/fantasies as he says I must behave like a lady and the above are now ladylike. I long to be wild and have a good sex life but just feel I can only do what he wants as he will not accommodate anything I want to do - it is most frustrating!Can anyone share with me what could be going on here? What does it mean if a man is not turned on by his wife next to him when she is all fired up sexually? Why does he not get hard by this? What can I do to make him make the first move on a regular basis and enjoy it? Any help would be really appreciated!Thanks
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female
reader, trixynix  +, writes (21 March 2011):
I can just imagine how frustrating this may be. I have only three thoughts from this (seeing as you think he can't be gay):1. He's either afraid the marriage is going too fast with already a child and another one on the way- ie: he's scared that if he has sex with you, you'd be pregnant again2. He isn't into pregnant women3. He thinks it's easier and fuss-free to do it himselfHonestly, this is really something you should sit down with him and talk about. It seems like a pretty serious issue to me, and i think you should tell him that too. Tell him everything you're feeling, just as you've told us, and hopefully he'll open up with his own take on things. If this fails, you should see a marriage counselor or a sex therapist.Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): Unless you change your behavior, 180 degrees, don't expect anything else to change. Don't try to change him. He won't change.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (16 May 2008):
 I am 54, and although I'm perhaps set in my ways, too, I simply cannot understand how anyone can have such an appallingly low sex drive!
You never told us anything about his sexual history (maybe you don't know anything about it), but I wonder if he was like this in previous marriages. The most mystifying part is his instant hard-ons when he touches himself. Is he used to pleasuring himself with no-one else looking?
I feel very sorry to see how things turned out. His hostility in the face of normal female sexual desire is actually quite amazing. "Promiscuous when young?" "Set night of the week and no sex if you don't go to bed on time?" These are positively incredible statements. Perhaps he is simply "asexual" -- see:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexual
Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank everyone who wrote in and for all your comments and advice which I have taken on board, reflected and acted on in some instances.
Firstly, we had a week apart, on separate holidays, not because of difficulties but because my husband always has a holiday away every year at this time so I did the same. I missed him and he said he missed me when he phoned me every day. He has one porn video that I know of and had set it at a certain place to see if he had watched it and yes, he had! I was most surprised but not disappointed. When we got back home although he hugged me, I felt disappointed with his lack of "missing me" but hoped sex would be on the cards that night - no such luck, he was "too tired" (as usual). After a week of this, I finally wrote him a letter telling him exactly how I felt and I mean, exactly what was bothering me but did it in a nice way. I had to force him to read it and he said nothing. After a couple more days of him "carrying on with life as if nothing is wrong" I just blew up over it and spoke to him directly. He just shouted over me and said he was tired, tired, tired and that we should schedule sex in on a certain night at a certain time and if we don't make it to bed earlier, then it just won't happen. I find this very hard to comprehend, that it should be scheduled and that he finds it so difficult to just cuddle up to me before we go to bed and have sex (which is only 5 mins max anyway). The next night we did have sex, he did initiate it but only 5 minutes. Since then, absolutely nothing, no change, nothing. So I got him a sex book as a nice gift for this b'day, he hasn't even looked at it. Out of the blue yesterday he just started up (v.unlike him to bring up an unpleasant subject to him) saying I was the sort of girl, given the opportunity, that would have promiscuous in my early years (I have only slept with 3 men inc. my husband) but admitted that I can understand why people do as the excitment is what I crave and because of our situation, can for the first time, understand why couples have open marriages/affairs. He went mad and said clearly I was unhappy with him and keep saying I'm going to leave, when was I going (bear in mind I am 24 weeks pregnant, have a 2 yo already and no job and live in his house).
After this, it is clear to me what I need to do, he does not want to make any changes and will hold it over me for ever with this "if you are not happy with me then move on" attitude, he says at 50 he is too old to change.
I feel distraught and disappointed that our marriage is over, I only ever wanted to make it a happy loving relationship, not a brother/sister life. I no longer feel he is worthy of my body or my love but it still hurts; I feel so cheated that he wasn't honest with me about his lack of sex drive from the beginning (and have told him this as I have done the nicey nicey route with him and got no-where).
I do not know how to turn this situation around without both parties wanting it to work and to me, he does not, he is just not prepared to make any changes and happy to watch me be more and more unhappy (which he admits).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): I think the poster talking about the husband who was masturbating secretly may have hit the nail on the head. Your guy may just find it "easier" to do it all himself, and with porn he can visualize any girl he wants. Having said that, I still find it hard to believe that you can be right beside him, in bed, masturbating and still no reaction from the guy. As a male, I can tell you that will turn our just about a dead guy. And not wanting oral sex (giving or receiving?), that's not normal. Something seriously is wrong here, he should go to a shrink...
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (29 April 2008):
I don't know whether he's gay or not, but It sounds like he finds physical contact with women distasteful. That's why he prefers them "ladylike", which means clean, prim, proper, and totally lacking in bodily functions.
What concerns me more, however, is the lack of communication. If one side has a problem, and the other side won't admit there is one and refuses to discuss it, there's not much that can be done. It's absolutely essential that you find some way of opening up the lines of communication with your husband.
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A
female
reader, sadeyes +, writes (28 April 2008):
Does he manage to get hard and perform every time you try or just occassionally,my guy has ED and never manages it and r/ship just fallen apart because of this,and not on my part on his because i think he couldn't handle fact he couldn't perform and left me before i could do it to him
Why do so many good r/ships get destroyed by sex and lack or too much of sex??
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 Okay if he isn't gay, the fact that he can get hard as a rock under his own steam but not by you is certainly very strange. That would tend to rule out medical reasons like ED. Tish may be right about his not feeling comfortable about having sex with a pregnant wife, men can have problems with all that. You did say things were fine the first six months but tapered off slowly from then. Have you had the chance to truly tell him how you feel about all this or has it just been snippets of conversation?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): I have a similar story/ struggle. I believe my husband (and yours) is a sex addict. What he is addicted to I don't know. Mine is addicted to porn and webcam but I have no means of proving it since he denies it. If you look up sex addiction you'd see that it is very common for sex addicts to stop having sex with their immediate sex partner yet they still love and care about them. You are just not a part of his fantasy. Any guy will tell you they love porn. My husband told me that it's not a turn on for him to watch it with me although he has a HUGE porn collection. I suspect you guy watches porn secretly and masturbates to it. He could be filled with shame for what he is doing and no longer knows what healthy sex is. What he does behind your back is dirty to him although he is addicted to it/ gets turned on by it. When you ask for "wild" sex he percieves it as dirty and rejects you. He married you because you fit the stereotype of a wife not a w____ on the blue screen he fantasizes about. Unless, he comes clean admitting what is he up to and enters some sort of treatment (actually both of you at this point) there is no hope for you. He is the only one who can stop addiction. I'd appreciate your input too because I am in a very similar situation. You can help me too.Thanks, O
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 April 2008):
 Thanks for your update; it does help to know that you're pregnant and have one child already. But you still face the same issue, I know.
Hmmm. Okay, a couple of thoughts off the top of my head, and these are just speculation, so bear with me here.
One is that he does not find a pregnant woman sexually desirable, it's not you, it's him kind of thing. If you've been pregnant for a lot of your marriage, then maybe that's a concern to think about. But you did say it was only a 2 minute session that got you pregnant this time. So that doesn't sound likely.
Did you get married before or after your first child together? I ask because he may be feeling trapped with no way out... again this is pure speculation. If you 'had' to get married because of the first child, this might be something else to explore.
Another thought is that he needs a medical check up to make sure there's nothing physically going on with him. But if he can get himself hard and can manage intercourse then maybe that's not really the issue.
The thought that he got married and had children to keep up appearances and not be known as gay still concern me, but I am not an expert and could be way off base here. It's just that the lack of interest in sex with you seems strange, as is his concern with you being 'ladylike' which I think most husbands like outside the bedroom, but certainly not inside it!
I keep getting myself back to marriage counseling for the two of you. And I can see why shock tactics wouldn't work for you in the current situation. But, and this I don't really know how to help you with, but you still need to have a real conversation with him about how the lack of sex and how you feel about it are harming your relationship.
Have you argued with him about it, or do you just let it go after you get the silent treatment?
There have been a couple of people who've posted questions on this site who have used the tactic of googling key words like 'lack of sex' and 'frustrated wife' and words like that and leaving the evidence on the computer for the spouse to find. 'Is he gay?' could really throw up a concern for him to find in your search history. Anyway, it seems a very indirect and uncertain way to reach him if you don't know if he's paying attention to this in the relationship.
I would schedule the marriage counseling appointment anyway, and tell him that you've done it and for the reasons you've listed here. Do this as gently and and as lovingly as you possibly can, but be firm about it.
I really don't know if this will help you, but it's the only thing I can think of to suggest. Maybe some of the other agony aunts and uncles can add some better advice than this!
I hope things work out for you, please post again if you want anymore hairbrained schemes from me. All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo he's not gay (in as much as I can ascertain) -he certainly hasn't the time or indeed the time away from me to be practising it but I guess you could be saying he is without actually doing anything about it.
We have a child and second on the way - miracle how we conceived but again it was a 2 minute session. So I can't see how I can use the shock tactics in terms of threatening to leave. All a mess I know but how would I check he was gay? I have asked him openly and he has denied it, there is nothing in the house (that I can find) or anything else obvious but perhaps I am missing something?
Thanks very much for your responses.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 April 2008):
I think you might need to resort to shock tactics here. If he says he loves you and can't imagine the rest of his life without you, then give him a taste of life without you. Try to talk with him about it again, and try to get him to understand that this is causing you a great deal of distress. It's not fair to you to have this unresolved issue hanging over your marriage...
Make an appointment with a marriage counselor, one that he can attend. Then on the day, meet him at the door with a packed bag and tell him he either goes with you or you are out the door. No fooling.
You'll have a good idea of what he really feels about you by the way he responds to this.
I have a sneaky suspicion that Eyeswideopen is onto something here, though.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 April 2008):
Is it possible that he is gay? Kind of sounds like it to me.
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