A
female
age
36-40,
*orgotten_juliet0322
writes:So i realize that other people have posted on here about this topic but i was kinda looking to see if anyone could give me advice on my paticular situation. I've been dating my bf for about 3 1/2 years now and we have lived together for a good portion of that. you would think you would know someone after that long right? i've always known him to be kind of a hard person to get to know because he says he has anxiety and shit but when your with someone and you always say you love them shouldnt you feel like you can talk to that person about anything? ok so the first year we were together we didnt have internet. so if he wanted to use it he would have to go to the library or occasionally his parents house. Then when we moved into the new place we got internet and im not ashamed to admit that i use porn. and im not going to delete my history either. Well i noticed that alot of the time when i would go back to see a website or something in my history (because its quicker to get to that way) that my history was the only one on there...I mean doesnt that sound a little suspicious to anyone? so me being a girl and all i overanalyze stuff and started thinking the worst. i mean i didnt want to date someone that was into children or animals or something so i searched the internet for a program that would record what he did and even if he deleted it, i would still be able to see what sites were visited...I was seriously obsessing over this in my head so i had to buy this program for $50 =( no i am not proud of snooping but if he wasnt being so suspicious i would have never had to go through this shit. I felt like the wind got knocked out of me when i saw what was on the screen. i seriously couldnt believe it!! SHEMALES?? I mean i was relieved that it wasnt what i thought but still common! When your with someone your not supposed to hide things and thats a pretty big secret if you ask me.So then i had to decide if or when and even if i had the guts to confront him about this...but i decided that if i love this person we cant just pretend like nothing is going on. it would eat me alive!! It was the hardest thing i ever had to do but i took a huge breath and just brought it up, and i didnt attack him either. i tried to be understanding and open minded and let him know that i was there for him and that i just wanted us to be open and honest with the whole thing. i cant stress that enough...but the way he acted really pissed me off. First he tried to say that he wasnt looking at that ~that it must have been on the bottom of the site, then he tried saying that he was looking at it for laughs, another excuse was that was the first time ever!! He just kept lying and lying and i believed him at first but when it kept showing up i had to bring it up again,We did talk and he claims (which at this point i dont know what to believe) that it all started when he was delivering at work and took a delievery to a shemale and she/he flirted with him and he liked it so he got curious and decided he was going to look this up and it turned him on....but as i kept thinking about this over and over again i remember when we had lived with his roommate that first year he would constantly make jokes about shemales or always want to watch the jerry springer episodes with them on it..you know the ones where they say Can you tell which is a male and which is a female? i dont know what to believe anymore.Its been about a year and a half since i first confronted him about this and because i love him i am understanding but what i cant deal with is the lying. i even told him the last two times we had a conversation that i just want him to be honest with me and feel like he can talk to me about anything!! I broke up with him and gave him another chance because he said he would stop or that he would be honest with me...but he hasnt!!! Trust is a big issue and ive been trying over and over to trust him but evertime i think i do ~ its all for nothing because i find out he lied again!!!! He said before he doesnt want to do it, but he doesnt know how to stop...says that he cant talk about it because he is embarrassed and confused! I told him maybe he should see a counselor but his insurence doesnt cover any (so he claims) And now im finding out about it again!!! he is still lying to my face! obviously this fetish of his is worth risking our relationship over. its more important to him then me. Why would he lie to me about something i already know????? duh? im not an idiot. if he is addicted then obviously i know he didnt just stop out of the blue. Im so frustrated i cant take it anymore. someone has to help me. How can i get him to fucking trust in me and talk to me so our whole relationship isnt ruined and i can try and begin trusting him again? is there even any hope???
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at work, broke up, flirt, moved in, porn, roommate, shemale, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): I think you have done all you can here. It's time for him to be honest, confused or not, and I do believe this is a trust issue. If you're going to marry him or have him as a life partner and he can't even be honest about this or discuss it with you that is huge red flag. My guess is this will eventually end with him wanting to be with shemales at some point and he is probably more than bi-curious, that is why he concealed it in the first place. If you're not ok with this you need to break up for good.
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 This can be a difficult thing to accept because of gender stereotypes, but I give you kudos for trying. Having said that, I think it’s important to ask if he is lying about everything or just lying about visiting certain porn sites at certain times? Has he not already admitted to visiting them and explained that he is uncomfortable talking about it and that he is confused? That was honesty.
Sometimes we enjoy different images without wanting to bring such things into our lives or the bedroom... Sometimes we like to explore ‘fringe-kinks’ simply because they are different and later the novelty wears off… Whether this is the case with him or not, his imagination is a safe-zone where he can explore without justifying anything to anyone, or even actually participating in any acts.
If you 'honestly' love him and this is the only thing he is not fully honest about, then offer him some space to come to terms with how it makes him feel - that way he knows what to say if and when a conversation needs to be had. Let him figure out what is going on in his head before you demand full disclosure.
The more you force the issue, the less likely he is to want to include you in his exploration.
When he is ready, if he believes what you say, he will come to you on his own.
At this point, it doesn't sound like he knows how or why he feels the way he does for these images and therefore, he can hardly be expected to explain it to someone else... especially one who is having trouble accepting it, as hard as you may be trying to do so.
Give him some privacy. Uninstall the probing program and stop grilling him about this topic. If you are having trouble accepting this, despite being open and trying very hard, imagine how hard this must be for him…
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male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (6 September 2011):
 You have worked very hard to make it clear to him how important this trust issue is to you. You've spoken to him about it, you've broken up with him, and took him back only on the condition that he be honest and open. Frankly you've done all you can do. The rest is up to him.
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female
reader, Forgotten_juliet0322 +, writes (6 September 2011):
Forgotten_juliet0322 is verified as being by the original poster of the question btw, that was my response ~ i just forgot to log in....
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): ok, seriously????? you guys arent helping at all!!!! Yes im having a problem excepting this about him but its not like i cant. if i couldnt i wouldnt still be with him! The issue here is trust. The issue here is him lying about it!!!!!! lying about everything. if we sat down and he felt like he could talk to me about it then i wouldnt have all this shit built up inside my head, overanalyzing things and thinking the worse could happen! My main fear of this is that he doesnt really love me, and later on in life the porn wont be enough for him, that he will want to go out and actually be with a shemale and i cant deal with that. you say its just porn, but my point i was making when i said i was bisexual and shit was that i am willing to admit that!!!! he knows everything about me!!!! But he is the one lying about who he is! the fucking issue here is trust!!!!!
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female
reader, svf  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 I dont know, it sounds like there is a bit of a double standard going on here from your posts?
You yourself are into threesomes and are bi-sexual - so why can't he be into shemales? You're into porn so you understand that it's there to just turn you on, so let him enjoy what turns him on. It's just porn, is it not? I can't really explore more about porn, as I'm not really into it.
And to be honest, I'm not into threesomes or shemales, but can't you meet some middle ground with him, rather than looking for reasons to break it off with him? You are making him feel ashamed for having a 'darker' side to his sexuality that doesn't conform to your ideas, but then he has been so open minded with you about your desires. Can you try to be more openminded? If not, maybe you could find someone else who is more what you are comfortable with. I wish you all the best and hope you too can work it out. Is he great in other aspects of your relationship?
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reader, Forgotten_juliet0322 +, writes (3 September 2011):
Forgotten_juliet0322 is verified as being by the original poster of the question to #1 ~~~The problem is trust. i mean if he cant be honest with me about something i already came across and share his feelings about it then its like he is saying he doesnt care about my feelings on the matter!! He told me before he doesnt want to do it and he wants to stop because it obviously makes him feel really insecure. How can i help him and how can we get through this if he refuses to be honest about doing it? if he is dishonest about this who knows what else he lies to me about...and i feel like the way he holds everything in affects our relationship! He never comes out and does anything with me and my friends. he isnt close with his family. he only has one friend that he worked with that he hangs out with occasionally!! maybe his insecurities and anxiety about this matter have to do with all that!!!to #2~~~~~I dont think he is bisexual. i do know that he is attracted to me ~its not like our sex life is suffering really...and he has no interest in guys. the weird thing is he said he doesnt even like to watch guy/girl porn. its always shemales or lesbians!! And i have voiced my concerns many many times. ive tried talking to him, and i agree how can we have a relationship if we cant even talk about real issues??to #3~~~~Its comforting to hear that there are other males out there who look at this and do want to get married and be with their significant other, but arent you afraid that someday your going to want more? what happens then? how will your future wife feel if you do want more and either cheat on her or leave her because its gotten to be too much? i mean i look at porn online that im actually into...im not ashamed to say that i am into threesomes and girl on girl and when the opportunity presented itself i would want to do it for real!! ive even told my bf about this. he knows im bisexual and all my desires, etc. Idk i just think when your with someone you should BE with them and share your entire self with that person. it hurts my feelings that he cant do that with me...it makes me question how much he loves me!! =(
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): This is normal, unless he is actually cheating with a shemale then its just porn and he is still with you, would you rather he sits there looking at other women?, no i dont think you would, so shemales is fine.I have a fetish for shemales aswell, never told my gf, which is going to be my wife soon, its just porn and nothing else. If im correct the reason he likes shemales, is that its entirely different, and it turns him on, even tho you probably turn him on just as much or more, its just used to get one off. He has kept it from you as he is afraid of what you will say and think, like him coming upto you and saying honey im into shemales, what would you think. If he is watching shemales he is probably wanting to ask for anal sex with you, im pretty sure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): From what you have said. It sounds as if he might have had an interest in 'shemales' for some time now. That might make him bicurious/bisexual. Is that what bothers you? It might be best to voice your concerns about that and the fact that he keeps lying about visiting the sites. If there is no trust anymore and he refuses to address this issue with you. Then i don't know how you can keep the relationship going.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): Isn't it obvious? He's attracted to them and gets off on it and it's something he keeps private. He's also not risking your relationship over it because you are STILL THERE in the relationship. You also can't force someone to open up and share with you and looks like he never will. The more you pressure, the more he clams up.
He likes shemales and either accept it or leave him. What is there to be honest about?! Isn't it obvious he gets off on shemales? What exactly do you want him to talk about that you DON'T already know? You look at porn so it's not like you don't already know what he does.
Why does he need therapy? Because what he's attracted to doesn't suit you? This has to do with YOU wanting to change him and it won't happen.
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