A
female
age
41-50,
*higgins2007
writes:Dear Cupid,My husband and I have been married for 3 years. I had a complete hysterectomy 2 1/2 years ago and since then I lost some of my sex drive. In the past year I feel as he has fallen out of love with me. I know he has cheated at least twice and I forgave him and took him back. The problem is when I am at work or asleep he looks at a lot of adult sites and has barely looked at let alone touched me. I have my trust issues with him but I do not want to leave. I very much deeply love him but I am not sure he feels the same way. He tells me he loves me and when I mention leaving he begs me not to and tells me I am the best thing that has happened to him. Not only he looks at adult sites but he also has opened up another email account that I found by accident on which he had all women on it. The question is How do I make him fall in love with me again? How can I get him to look at me and touch me the way he used to before and shortly after we got married? He knows when he does the things I mention that it hurts me and makes me feel unwanted. I want the man I married back not who he has turned into
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female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (19 November 2010):
 You need to leave him. There should never be second chances for cheaters. By taking him back the first time, you had already told him that his infidelity isn't a big issue. By doing it the second time, you've pretty much told him you will always take him back. Don't think that I am saying you are in the wrong here, because it's not all your fault. Cheating is his fault, all porn and no you is his fault, lying about being married is also his fault. Again, you need to leave him. You may have to give up the job you love to move in with family, but we all pay a price to be happy. And, your current situation does not sound like it makes you happy. Like my fiance once told me. You need three things for any healthy relationship: love, respect, and passion. It sounds like the respect is gone (lying and cheating) and with it the passion (he would make love to you). And the love is questionable at this point. Whatever you chose, I wish you the best of luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): Well girl, he should not love you for sex.... He should love YOU FOR YOUR PERSONALITY. If that's not how it's going than maybe it's going Wrong. Best Wishes Hun!! *•=•* 3
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): I am married 15 years and I have been in your shoes. My husband hid his porn addiction and when I found out I nearly divorced him. His attraction to the porn high was ingrained by then... and soon enough a slut from his past showed up on the scene with what I can only classify as phone sex and sex on a platter. He indulged in both, however thankfully... she lived 11 hours from us and his opportunities were seriously hampered.
While engaging in this weird deal with the married woman, he began emailing back and forth with an ex wife... who was only too happy to participate. She was jilted and clearly had self esteem issues. He also looked up a 'waitress' from a golf club who was a hooker on the side and was preparing to take that one on too. He told the waitress hooker that we were separated.
The cherry on top had to have been finding and reading all of the emails in the secret account, finding his myspace page, reading about his encounters with the married woman, and coming across... yes, an eharmony account. In his description he was seeking someone sexually and emotionally open.
Oddly, I was both sexually and emotionally open. Just not to acting out porn.
I literally and figuratively kicked his ass. Frankly, he was lucky he got out of this mess with his male appendage in tact. I basically told him he was a weirdo and a nut job and to get professional help as soon as possible. I picked the therapist (a psychiatrist) and he went. Professional help, combined with daily sessions with me... resulted in a catharsis. He realized the origin of his issues and dealt with them.
Three years after the discovery of the affair and four years after finding out about his porn addiction... I can say that my husband is finally returning. The man who used to exist before his head became twisted by porn.
He was not thrown out of the house. I allowed him to become semi-normal before I would make a decision on that. Frankly, after so many years of marriage I owed him that even though he cheated, lied, and was basically acting like a weirdo. I did it because of what we used to have and out of respect for that relationship. I never cheated or retaliated. I would not be responsible for him winding up in a ditch somewhere.
I would not allow it and I refused to take it. However, during the first 2 years following the discovery of his affair... some of the most disgusting crap came out of his mouth. Parroting his family of origin issues. When the mirror was held up to him he saw it clearly for what was going on.
Men can be basically okay guys but become enormously weird sexually and with how sex plays into their idea of themselves as a man. I remember asking my husband who he would be if he lost his penis. Seriously. Who would he be and what would he do? How would he live his life without it?
Men who have become sick usually get there by route of porn. Forget the fruit of the month club, porn is the gift that keeps on giving. It wraps its slimy tentacles around their brains and fries them. Add that into insecurity about age, job, etc... and you have before you a recipe for disaster.
In the midst of his insanity post discovery of the affair... he adopted a swaggering attitude. Now, I am very attractive. So, I put up an ad on Match.com to prove a point to him. Now, I had no intention of dating anyone... I simply wanted to conduct an experiment and share the results with him. My profile ad included my face photo and a sweet polly purebred... very clean... profile description.
I received 60 (yes, 60) email messages including poems, songs, etc... and pleas to consider them for dating... all of this within the first 12 hours my profile was up. I took it down. Point made.
He acted up again, I put my ad back up... same result... point made. He cleaned up his act or I was gone. And, gone with some company to boot.
The bottom line is that guys can get very weird for a variety of reasons and go insane... unfortunately some men act out sexually when they are feeling like losers elsewhere in their lives. Chances are he has challenges concerning his male ego from other things... job, etc...
Then, there is you. You have precisely nothing whatsoever to do with him becoming a pig and nothing to do with him cheating. Even stranger, he probably still is very attached and/or loves you....
Why is he refusing you? Because his head is in the fog. He has become unstable and is not thinking clearly. You do not require marriage counseling... unless you want it. He requires therapy and quite a bit of it.
On my personal journey of understanding... I read more articles on men cheating, and men hooked on porn than I can count. Perhaps several hundred or more... Basically, men go wherever to to whatever creates a 'feeling' they're looking for. Is it a feeling of dominance, male virility, or feeling hypersexual like when he was a teenager? Is he feeling emasculated by a situation with employment or otherwise? He runs to the thrill, because the thrill... while sick... is empowerment to him.
My life was a hell on earth for several years. I, like you, believe that when you marry you do so in sickness and in health. My husband was definitely sick. Initially I hadn't decided to stay married, jut to help him dig himself out of the gutter so that he could eventually leave... and I could go my way... knowing he was alright. Then, some things began to get better... bit by bit. We are still not all the way there, however I don't feel like punching him in the nose every time I see him... and I am beginning to think of him as a friend and as my husband again.
Let's put it this way... this is the world's worst situation most adults have to face. I chose not to take it, but at the same time I chose to extend my hand to him to assist him in repairing himself before making a decision. Your husband needs professional help and preferably from someone who specializes in sex addiction.
I want you to know that I could feel the pain in your words. I've walked 1,000 miles in your shoes. He requires an ultimatum and help. If he will not take this help then he should be asked to leave and to find other accommodations. Period. If for some reason this cannot occur, then 180 him and blow him off. Don't be around so often. Don't do a blessed thing for him. I mean nothing. I don't care if you have to sit in your car in a parking lot somewhere... or go to a movie... don't be home. Fix yourself up and regain your feminine power. Remind yourself who you are. Pull back your energy from him and invest it in you. Let him take care of his children... I know you love them... but let this mess rest squarely on his shoulders. Stay out... become secretive. Look gorgeous all of the time. Never cry in front of him and act confident and sexually powerful. Join a gym. Go there weekends and some evenings. Let him sit around and wonder what just happened in his life. Let him wonder where you are. Let him make some room in his sick head for thoughts about his wife... you... for a change. You become the woman just out of reach. Let him wonder. You will get his attention.
During that time... act like the ingeneu. You are the powerful cat. The lion with the mane. You are the powerful woman. Far more powerful than the skanks on his computer screen or his side piece.
You become powerful. You are mysterious. You are gorgeous. You throw back your mane and let your nails dry while he does the dishes.
Then, let's see what happens. You had a hysterectomy. You did not have your womanhood removed. Remember that. You don't want sex because you've been through hell with the operation and its backlash? Well, let's see if prince charming can come around to a point of pseudo maturity to see that his penis is not the center of the universe.
And for the guy(s) posting that the way a woman shows love to a man... and the way a man processes love from a woman... is through his penis... All I can say is WOW.
Newsflash. Women enjoy being desired and accepted sexually as well... and yes, I do also find that my husband's desire for me and his expression of this feeling sexually is a big way of him showing me the very same thing.
Bottom line... men and women (when healthy) both need the same things... that is why females and males become mates. Women need the same thing back... men do not have a monopoly on sex or the warmth from it.
However, I'd like to add that very few men who behave like your husband is... acting out sexually (yes, acting out), really understand that it isn't about sex... or at least sex isn't why they're doing what they're doing. Sex just so happens to be how they act out... The underlying problem can be things that relate to how he processes being a man... his masculinity... Sex is just the easiest way to act out. After all, this is what all males are groomed into thinking.
I wish you power and strength and above all, love. Good luck on your journey... I'm rooting for you.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (10 November 2010):
 That is not too much to ask. The way I see it though, you're already alone. He left this relationship a long time ago. He continues doing these things because you let him. I understand why you do it, but the fact that you haven't left gives him no reason to change. He won't change either, he has no reason to as his love for you is gone. If he still loved you he wouldn't be telling other women he's divorced. He wouldn't be denying you sex and choosing porn instead. He wouldn't be cheating.
You're right that it's easy to say that you should leave him, but it's the truth. You should, and you know it. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. I repeat, NOBODY. I know it feels like you can't leave, but I'm sure you can. It may mean some rough times for a while, but he's driving you into a depression. For pete sake he won't even talk about it. When someone won't even try to fix things, they don't want them fixed. Please leave him. This won't stop until you do.
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A
female
reader, ahiggins2007 +, writes (10 November 2010):
ahiggins2007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have intiated sex with him and when I do he rejects me. That is one of the ways I found that I know he is cheating and/or trying to cheat. Another way is when I am at work and come home to find he has done absolutely nothing all day long. He tells the woman that he is emailing and chatting with that he is divorced. I have snooped through the computer and that is how I found out all of the times he has done this. Yes there is children in the home (they are his from his previous marriage) we do not have any together. I have confronted him about the porn sites and email. He gives me access to all of them. But just like everyone else he stops using them and opens another that he thinks I dont know about. After I found out he had cheated the first time I left for 1 1/2 months and came back. The whole time i was gone he would call me numerous times a day and tell me how much he loves me and that he cant live without me. There was no way he was going to let me move on. I came back and it was great for a long time. Then it started all over again. I packed all my things and was ready to leave. He took my keys so there was no way I could leave and tells me we will work through this and we will be ok. I realize that he is the main problem in the relationship. No matter how hard I try and no matter what I do doesnt ever seem to be good enough for him. Another reason I stay is because I have NO WHERE to go...I am stuck and he knows it. I cant afford a place of my own (we own our home) and the closest family is 6 hours away. I have a job that I love and am too independant and proud to move back with my parents and back to having nothing. I dont like being alone but I am not scared to be on my own. I have done it before and I would do it again. No I am not seriously happy when he does these things. When I dont know or when he shows me the attention he used to he does make me very happy. This is not how I pictured being married to him at all. If it was I would have never married him. There is not alot I ask for in a relationship. All I ask for is the following:
Honesty
Faithfulness
Romance
and the most important LOVE
Honestly I dont think that is too much to ask at all. For healthy relationships that should almost be a given. I dont expect his undivided attention and I know both of us need our own time but I do want some attention from him. Everytime I mention just talking it turns into a huge fight and leaves me hurting and crying more. I have gotten to the point where I dont say anything to him at all about my feelings or whats bothering me because I dont want the tears. But all that is doing is killing me on the inside and making it worse. I am to the point where I barely eat, sleep or anything else. That is the reason I want advice. It is easy to say leave him you dont deserve this but until you are feeling the way I am and have been together so long that is alot easier to say then do. That is why I stay. I have NEVER cheated on him so he dont know how it feels. Maybe I should but 2 wrongs dont make a right either. I was taught when you are with someone you should be with that person and that person only. Thats why I am having such a hard time understanding why he is doing this to me. I ask him WHY and all he says is I dont know why I do this to you. I cant answer that. Well there must be a reason somewhere in him I just dont think he wants to tell me.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (10 November 2010):
Do you ever initiate sex with him? Does he try with you? Did he try and get rejected?
For lots of men, sex is how we show our love in a physical way. It makes us feel very unloved and unwanted (just like you're feeling) when the one we have chosen to be with rejects our advances or never makes advances of her own. We begin questioning why she has stopped loving us, why we're not good enough. We also wonder what will happen if we push the issue. Will you think all we want is sex? Will you realize that sex is about more than physical gratification when it's with someone we love?
Honestly, you have a lot going on here. I'm not sure what advice to offer other than marriage counceling. I think you two need to talk this out in a neutral environment where you can openly express how you're both feeling to eachother.
In the short term, try initiating sex with him. Even if you're not fully in the mood, it will hopefully spark his interest and get him to initiate it more. Tell him that you want him to come to you, not others or the internet when he's horny. I hope something in here is helpful to you. Best of luck in your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): I'm sorry you are going through this but I want you to know I have been there. My long term boyfriend cheated on me and I forgave him as well.
First of all, let me tell you that looking at adult sites is not going to help with his impulses. My man would start off on a porn site, and then find himself in a chat room, which lead him to craigslist, which lead to him meeting someone and cheating on me. When I found out about the cheating, I was unaware that it had a lot to do with an internet/porn addiction. When I realized it, I told him that he needed to stop going to porn sites so obsessively if he wanted this relationship to work out. Of course, there is nothing wrong with porn in a normal relationship, but in my case and your case, it is very unhealthy.
I would sit him down and ask him to stop with the porn sites, and also ask him straight up about the email and if he has been unfaithful. If you sense that he is lying, and you aren't above a little snooping to watch out for yourself, you can download a free keystroke logger and keep tabs on everything he does on the computer.
When you first are trying to rebuild trust in a relationship, privacy is also something that the cheating spouse will have to give up for a short period to make their partner feel more at ease. My man had no problem with letting me look in his cell phone at any random time, check his emails, and he gave me his password to everything. That only lasted for a few months until I was comfortable that he was on track and not going to cheat again. Maybe you should bring this up to your husband and if he is serious about working things out and seriously cares about your feelings, he will have no problem with sacrificing a little privacy.
In any case, you simply can't "make" someone fall in love with you. I'm also pretty sure him not loving you is not the case here. I think he is just insecure and he has an addiction like my man did. Sometimes men just cheat to feel important. They want to know that women other than their spouse find them attractive and would sleep with them. Unfortunately, he will have to grow up if he wants to stay with you.
As for what you can do to improve the relationship, I don;t think you are the main cause of the problem. He is. He has a problem within himself, so you can't really do anything. I would suggest going to couple's therapy.
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A
female
reader, toribender  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 Hi,
I just want to say this is a very toucy subject for your self and alot of other couples are going through this, so I just want to say, you are not alone in the way your feeling.
Okay, I want to ask, do you have children at all? I would like to know because, if they are using the computer they might stumble acrossthese sights, and it wouldn't be appropriate for them to see.
First of all, I would like to know why after your husband cheated on you twice( that you now of) that you accepted him back? Because what this has done, it has told him that he can treat this and make you feel like this and you will just acceptit.No-one in this world deserves to be traeted like this, you deserve to be treated like a princess, every woman does and every man should be treated the same way (as a prince). Are you scared of being alone? This man has betrayed your trust by cheating on you, emailing other woman which has probably triggered off more insecurity as you want to know whether he is cheating on you with them, don't you?
Why do you love him? He also sounds that he is scared of being alone when he begs not to leave him? Do you threathen to leave him to maybe chnage him, they way he looks at porn and emails other ladies. Because every time you threaten and you don't it's telling him: "Hey, this is alright, Ive got a wife who doesn't mind me looking at porn and emailing other woman, Ive got the best both worlds, I can do what ever I want and she will never leave me" Which is the incorrect way of thinking when you are married to someone. Have you confronted him about the other email account?
I'm going to be blunt: This is not LOVE, this is two people in a relationship, one (you) who loves the guy very much and is trying so hard to make this relationship work, and he isn't. If I was you, I would leave him, I would find a place to stay carry on with work and get some confidence, because I feel he shattered yours. Asdk your self this:
Are you seriously happy?
Do you think this how pictured your marital life to be?
What is it you want from him?
If you feel that this is a relationship to stand by, there is alot of work to be done, I would suggest Couples counselling, setting clear guidelines of what is acceptable for you. Making it clear to him that it is not acceotable to look at adult siets, it not acceptable to email other woman, it is not acceptable to cheat onme. You've got stay strong with these rukles anf if he does break them you've got to be clear with the consequences, whether it be that you leave him or you take away the computer. I don't know, the choice is yours.
I would really like it if you would reply back to this and update with whats going on. But please remember, this is not your fault, Having a hysterectomy is a very serious operationa nd it will have loads of effects on you, and the way you feel about yourself. Trust me, I've been there myself. It's heart breaking, especially if you have never had kids.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Tori Bender
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