A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Would be grateful for any advice. Each day I start with all good intention to make an effort with my appearance, wear nice clothes, do exercise, make progress with some of my projects and just feel like I've achieved something. Intead I default to wearing jeans, old cardigan and t-shirt, no make-up and hair scraped up out the way. My hair is my best feature but I choose to keep it clipped up. I have nice make up and clothes and with a bit of exercise I could get my figure back its just gone a bit wobbly in places. I have lots of creative ideas for projects. I have grown completely apathetic over the last 2 years and I almost deliberately don't do these things as if I'm 'happier' (not though) looking frumpy and not getting anywhere. I look in the mirror in shops and think "my goodness I look ill" and have lost all concept of bothering. Since my boyfriend moved away and our relationship dwindled I have lost all motivation to bother. I have read loads of self-help books on image etc but I enjoy reading them and do nothing about it!!! I know I should be able to think "I'm worth it" and make an effort for me not just another man but in truth I am struggling. It took a lot for me to trust this last boyfriend as my previous husband messed with my head in terms of verbal and emotional abuse. Now I have let someone I love slip away and I don't think I'm good enough for him (he is 5 years younger than me). I hardly ever look a man in the face - or anyone really. I know my self esteem is low but my question is..... What on earth can I do to kick-start it? What one thing is a priority? I think if I could get some momentum I could make it a habit and the 'real me' will return. I used to care a great deal about how I looked. Has anyone experienced this and what did you do to get yourself back on track? I am looking for natural ways as anti-depressants are not something I want. I want to change my life.
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emotionally abusive, my figure, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): Hi I posted this question and wanted to say thank you so much for all the replies and the generosity of time taken. In all the answers it seems exercise is the key and consistent action to take and of course small steps with other things can follow bit by bit. I have an exercise DVD in a box in a cupboard somewhere so I'm going to dig that out today - I've only watched it twice before but its actually good so that will save money on the gym!! Each exercise session takes only half an hour so I have no excuse. I'm also going to go through my wardrobe and get rid of anything that I consider frumpy and see what I'm left with. I will update again but thank you once again and to the lady in the US - I have read these posts and feel like "I can do it - yes I can!" I will post back again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): My 12-year-younger boyfriend dumped me 2 months ago. And I can't say as I really blame him - I gained 28 pounds while we were together! When we first started going out I worked out all the time and he really liked this about me. But somehow during the 14 months we were together that kind of fell away. Here came the weight and with it, low self-esteem. I really loved this man, so this has been devastating to me. About the only thing that really picks up my mood is. . .working out! I go to the gym 6 days a week and it makes a big difference in how you feel, physically and emotionally. Some days I'm so down that it's really hard to force myself to go, but when it's over I feel a sense of accomplishment, that I've done something good for myself. I've lost 17 of the 28 pounds and am starting to like seeing myself in the mirror again. And let me say, this is NOT to get my boyfriend back, as I think that's a lost cause best left as is. This is for me, for my health and self esteem. And, when you can go out and truly lift your head up high and feel good about yourself, this is very attractive to others. I'm telling you all this to help you see that, if you can possibly make the effort to do some of the things you spoke of above - fix your hair, dress up a little, work out - you will reap the benefits of feeling better about yourself. About 8 months ago I started working out of my house instead of in an office, so not only did I gain weight but I did like you - wear jeans or sweats, no makeup, put my hair in a clip. Now I've started putting makeup on every couple of days, just to give myself an ego-boost. Sounds like a small thing, but it helps. I feel for you, because I too was in an abusive relationship many years ago, and they leave you feeling unworthy. The abuser is really the one with the problem, but in the end your self esteem is shot to heck. Therapy would probably be very beneficial, with or without antidepressants. In the meantime though, every little bit of effort you can make will pay off emotionally. As you start to feel better, it will take less effort to get going with more improvements. I really wish you luck, and happier days ahead!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (2 December 2008):
 I understand where you are because I've been there too. Not a nice place to be at all. It's so hard to just 'snap out of it' like you think you should be able too.
My suggestion is that you make an appointment with your doctor and go in for a full physical. Sometimes your health affects the way you feel. Get your blood pressure checked, your blood chemistry checked, all those things that you're told to do and see if there's something that needs fixing. There may be a physical reason for the way you feel.
Second, don't be so quick to refuse anti-depressants. Sometimes all that's needed is a slight adjustment to your brain chemistry and a low dose of one can reset your mind back to the days when you felt great and were taking care of yourself. PM me if you want some more info on what has worked for me.
Tomorrow, get up, go down to the kitchen and make yourself a good breakfast. Oatmeal, milk and fruit. Or yogurt, instead of milk. Have your usual tea or coffee. Then put on some comfy exercise clothes and go take a walk around the block or in the park if there's one nearby. Then you can call it quits for the day, if you want. You've made your first steps to getting your life back.
I'm on a different time zone than you are, but you're welcome to PM me for the kickstart message to get your butt out of bed and go do!!!
It's going to take a few months to get back to 'normal' but you can start feeling better about yourself today. So if you have no healthy food in the house, go get some!
Right now, I'm sitting here in old jeans that don't really fit because I've lost so much weight, and I'm looking pretty frumpy myself. I'm going to get up now and go have a shower after some Pilates to DVD. I'm working at home on some volunteer things that I do in the neighborhood and also starting my Christmas card list.
Yesterday, I took the dog on a nearly hour long walk around my neighborhood. I dressed warmly because it's a bit cold here and I marched briskly to keep my heart rate up and felt my muscles moving freely. Then I came home and while putting up Christmas decorations, I fell and wrenched my ankle, so I can't walk today. Was I irritated with myself!! But I have a Pilates DVD and am going to do that before my shower today.
So it's one little step, one little victory at a time.
I really urge you to see your doctor to make sure everything is all right there. It's what I did and that has made the most difference. I've lost 30 lbs over the last few months and look and feel great. I've gone through my closet and pitched or gave away the clothes that didn't fit or didn't absolutely flatter me. (Gardening and exercise clothes excepted.)
So, write back, let us know what you did today after you read our advice. You can do it!!!! Yes you can. (to borrow a new phrase here in the US. ;D )
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A
female
reader, shiraz +, writes (2 December 2008):
hiyah, your self esteem is low and its something you need to work on. your lacking confidence in all aspects and so nothing ends up positive unless you start to change on the inside first nothing ever will. if you change your image then great but you need to go that extra mile and start by sorting the inside first. youve got a tough past guy wise, dont dwell on the past, learn from your mistakes and move on from them, we all have regrets and sometimes its better to let it go then wreck yourself trying to sort something thats finished.
i think the one thing priority should be yourself, you should sort you out first, youve constantly put others first and its taking its toll on you now so stop it from progressing. take some time for yourself, even if you really dont feel up to it set goals, such as today is the day i ... even if its buy a new top just little things will help ease you back into the person you once were and make you feel better for you!
your apperance, everyone is different and styles come and go, if your not bold enough to set trends then start by following a few that take your fancy, experiment into some sort of fashion that interests you step by step little things will start to change on the outside and you will feel all the better on the inside. you say your hair is your best feature so use it! the odd day of throwing it up and off your face is fine but dont get stuck in a rut why not set one of your goals to be get a wash and colour etc no need for a dramatic change just things to make you feel good.
you want to change your life, onl you can do that and only you can decide how, people can guide you and advise you on how to be but the person you really are cannot be changed and rather than thinking i wish i was so much better why not try on o yes my hair is nice, remain on the positives and it will knock out many negatives.
as for guys i think you should cross that bridge when you come to it, we do love and occastianlly loose but it changs as you go on and nobody can predict the future. just start being yourself and feeling confident more in what you say and the way you look.
you seem to enjoy projects etc so throw yourself into something thats going to keep you occupied as well as something you enjoy and are good at. you want to become the you again but really only you can do that!
best of luck- sorry my answer went on! xxx
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