A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I spent two and a half years in a relationship with a man who treated me horribly. This man was abusive, manipulative and sexually violent, and always found a way to make things my fault. He said horrible things to me and made me feel like I was nothing. I knew all along that he was wrong, that it wasn't my fault and that he was no good, but I didn't leave. I rarely tried to stick up for myself. I was desperate for his love and approval and he knew that he could get away with almost anything. I once told him that I would leave him but started having panic attacks and ended up contacting him and getting back together with him because it felt like the only way to get my life back under control. I thought about him all the time and gave him so much and he gave me nothing.I finally found it in me to leave him and move away a few months ago. It was difficult because being with him was like an addiction and I was never ready to leave, I always wanted one last fix. Now I've left him and I have no desire to ever see him again, he disgusts me. I want better for myself and I don't want to let anyone treat me like that again. I feel like I've come out of a thick fog and I'm starting to see things clearly, and it's disturbing me. It disturbs me because I see now how ridiculous I was. I realise that it was my fault because I should have left him at the first sign that things weren't going well and I loathe myself for being so weak and stupid. I allowed him to take so much from me, I basically offered myself up on a plate and let him hurt me in any way he saw fit. I know that he was not a good person, but I can't blame him because I never tried to stop him or stand up for myself. I went along with things he knew I didn't want to do. I must have been a complete joke to him. I've been active on DearCupid for quite a while and when I read posts by abused women who put up with crap from useless men, my first thought is always, How can you stay and put up with that stuff? Just leave. Then I remember that I was just like them. I don't understand how I could have allowed him to treat me like that. How my self-esteem could be so low. I am working on myself, trying to become stronger and not let anyone hurt me so badly again, but I just can't seem to move on from this. The regret is so strong. I think about it all the time and can't sleep at night for the shame. How can I stop beating myself up about the past?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2013): I was in an abusive relationship and I ended it but it was very hard! You need a lot of support when leaving a man like that. If it wasn't for my family not giving up on me I'd still be with him. He made me feel worthless and that I couldn't live without him but I realised I could. This was 4 years ago and now I'm with a new guy and look back and laugh thinking why the hell did I stay with such a controlling, manipulative sod!
You shouldn't feel ashamed, you should be very proud of yourself for building the strength and courage to leave him! People stay with partners like that for years and years male or female and never leave!
Keep working on yourself and believe me over time you won't waste another bad feeling or thought about him!
A
female
reader, remy  +, writes (28 April 2013):
I am so sorry to hear about your situation, I'm in a similar situation my self, my husband drinks and sometimes get violent, I can't even begin to tell u how violent but its pretty bad, the only difference between you and I is I haven't left yet. I guess its a big difference when you are married and dating, it came to a point where I did put him out and guess what because I was feeling the same way you were I let him right back in. Now I'm not so sure I did the right thing. I just hope u continue to find your way and stay strong, have faith. And maybe your story will give me the strength to do what I have to do. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2013): You're not on your own, OP.
I agree with Cerberus that professional help will help you. There are also lots of online resources, for example:
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/healing-from-narcissistic-abuse/
http://sewseeds4familyhealing.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/ProcessesToHealFromNarcAbuse.pdf
I wish you well x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2013): OP frankly there is nothing we can say to you that you don't already know. We can reassure that you'll be able to move on, you know that too. We can tell you to stop beating yourself up but that too you're aware of and you know it takes time.
The best advice I can give you is contact a domestic violence service, women's shelter etc. and ask them about counselling options both group and individual.
What you need is the chance to talk, be with women who share your experience get specific professional help with this and be patient with yourself.
Life is too short to beat yourself up for idiocy and don't let anyone tell you it's not partially your fault. Don't let people try and blame him for all this, or try and use the "victim blaming" card. Taking responsibility for this is the best way to learn your lessons and take them forward so you will never be a victim again. Like any addiction cold turkey is best, and it's best of you go seek professional help here OP. You need to flesh this out properly with people who know what you went through so that you too can understand why and how to prevent it in the future.
Best of luck OP, remember the only person you hurt is yourself, and you only owe an apology to yourself, no one else.
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