A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with a guy only for a month. I really liked him. He was only looking for a relationship to get married. He was the only guy I respected and wanted to get married too though I have only known him for a very short period of time. He was always truthful.My ex is in a different county. We talk on a very regular basis but very casually. We have not been talking as couple for past 2-3 months. I lied to the guy I have recently met that I only talk ocassionaly with my ex. The new guy told me all the truth but I lied. The worse part is he has found out about my lies by reading my emails. He truly hates me now. He used to respect and trust me so much and I have broken all that. My existence does not effect him. I accept I lied to him hundred of times. But I had no feelings for my ex whatsoever. The new guy does not trust any word I now say and he hates me. He is now linking so many things which are not true. He has full right to say very rude things to me which he did. I lied and lied because I did not want to lose him. I thought once we ever talk again about marriage I will disconnect all my links to any of my past and move on in my life with this wonderul man. He regards me as a bitch now. We got physical after being together for 3-4 days and now he hates me for that because I got physical too soon. All I want is to gain his trust back which I know is now impossible. He told me that even if I commit sucide he will not be sure of my intentions. I know we cannot be together. I have no strength to look in his eyes or to ever face him again in my life. I have a very big exam related to my career soon and I just cant get my head out of this. I hate myself. I hate my own existence. I need advice for two things. First, I know it is impossible but is there any way I can get his confidence back? Second, how can I forgive myself? I can not believe it was me who lied. I cheated and cheated. But at no time since I have been with this guy I ever thought about my x for a sec. We spoke regularly but very casually. I know I have committed a very big fault for which I am unable to forgive myself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): Many thanks for the responses. It's really helpful.
I have now deleted all the emails related to my ex and the new guy. As far as I remember the emails in past 2-3 months were very casual between myself and ex. There was no triple x content at all. Very casual emails. very very casual emails. It was on general discussions such as how was the day etc etc. My ex is sure that i will never get back to him but I helped him a lot in a very serious phase of his life and thats why my ex wanted to be my friends to return a favor whenever i need it.
I and my ex knows deep down in our heart that we will never get back to each other. I have no feelings for my ex.
I undoubtedly lied to this new guy. I told him my past instances which mattered to me. I wasnt comfortable enough in telling every single detail of my life in just 2-3 weeks time. Moreover, I wanted to move on with him and start my life with a new start.
I have asked him for his forgiveness and he says he has forgiven me. But he says that I have lost all my respect and trust and my existence and thoughts irritates him.
He now doubts about each and every guy who is my friend. He compared me to a girl who does one night stands etc. I am the last person to ever think of one night stand. He is inter-relating things which are not true.
I truly and deeply only liked me since he and I was together.
Now I think I was too scared to upset him or annoy him. I wasn't myself. I felt so so bad that he entirely blamed me for me and him getting physical. I was expecting marriage 2-3 months down the link hence I took big decision of getting physical though we were never completely physical if that makes sense.
I lied and then to cover one lie I lied again. But I did not want to discuss things which does not matter. I wanted him to marry me and not my past.
I do not want me and him to get back to each other. I just want to forgive myself for the lies I said. I am unable to get over my guilt feeling. I know that I did not hide any serious phase of my life from him and it was only me and him in each moment we spent together.
I called my ex and told him everything. I told him that I lied to the new guy which my ex did not appreciated himself. My ex then wrote me an email which I forwarded to the new guy to read. That email clarifys so so much stuff. But the new guy refused to read that email and says he does not want to think anything good about me.
I hope I have answered all the questions which were posted.
A
female
reader, sweet pea23 +, writes (12 January 2009):
i think your being to hard on yourself.you havent cheated,yes you lied but there was nothing going on between you and your ex.you need to calm down and concentrate on your exam because it is important for your career and you dont need all this going on.to be honest this man doesnt sound as perfect as you think he is.he is looking for a wife but you cant work like that you need to invest many months probably years getting to know someone before you take that big step.that suicide comment he made was disturbing and he put out after just a few days too so why make out your a bitch for doing so? personaly i think you are better of out of it.good luck
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A
male
reader, Ed1337 +, writes (12 January 2009):
 What kind of emails were you and your ex sending each other? you mentioned that your new guy read the emails and he hates you now, so i'm guessing maybe they aren't the sort of emails you would send to just a friend?
I can understand how he feels at the moment, I met someone in November who I was physical with after a couple of weeks and i'm not the type of person who sleeps around, so she meant a lot to me. The following week she tells me her ex wants to get back together with her and shes really confused blah blah, so I called it off.
I don't think I could ever get back together with her, because she has hurt me once and I don't think I could trust her again. If you did get back together with him, would you really want to be in a relationship where he is checking up on you all the time? because I think thats how its going to be.
How can you forgive yourself? well for a start he shouldn't of been reading your emails and he could of atleast given you a chance to explain yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself, just learn from your mistakes and if he doesn't even care if you commit suicide then maybe he isn't as nice as your making out.
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