A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been having a relationship with my girlfriend for the last four years.I never knew (neither she told me) that indirectly I told her to do stuff she doesn't want to do (like going out with guy friends, talking to unknown guys on phone, taking part in public dance shows). I did all this unintentionally thinking that it's for her benefit... in a nutshell it was over protective and possessive for her. We hardly fought in the past 4 years, most of the time we talked on phone only. We made future plans, even started considering each other as husband and wife but last year after I joined a job I was not able to give her the same time as earlier, though I used to call her thrice every dayIn feb 08 she participated in a dance show after which a guy called her saying he wants to be friends with her... she did meet him a couple of times and continued talking with him, without my knowledge. In september (through one of her friends) I came to know about this. I confronted her and she told me everything and also told me she didn't find it bad and that she didn't tell me because she thought that I will feel bad. After this I told her many harsh things and had a bad fight with her (for the first time) she kept telling me that her intentions were clear, that the guy even proposed to her but she refused him..... when I calmed down(the same day we fought) I felt sorry and I consoled her and we started talking again.In november my girlfriend joined a job. She also got sort of busy, since we are in different cities I went to meet her twice in November 2008. (this was the first time we were meeting after that Sepetember incident) I don't know why but to make everything clear I asked her the same thing, she felt very bad about this, then on phone also I asked her these things a couple of times. We argued and every time felt sorry and continued talking.I was always of the impression that whatever happens between us “OUR RELATIONSHIP is intact”. Even we had have plans to marry in coming year. She even talks to my parents as future daughter-in –law. But suddenly in December everything changed. She had her birthday on 20th December and I was about to go there but she told me that she has some official work so I canceled my trip. A day before her birthday I called her to make everything between us clear, I wanted her to enter her new birth year without any tensions. But she hesitated to talk and again the same topic came up and we had a small quarrel. I wished her happy birthday and on the next day also I called her in the night but she didn’t pick the call and when she picked after 50 calls we again fought. (I didn’t know why this happened). After that she stopped talking to me for 2 days and on the third day she told that she wants to finish this relationship...she no longer can bear this and she also told got a call from the same person.....in a vein i went to meet her , i was surprised at her sudden change in attitude......she suddenly became so strong...she was speaking hard words.....she also told that a day before her bday she met that guy( who came to see her!!!)She even talked to him in front of me and I saw some “love you” messages in her mobile. She told me that she needs some time to be alone, she wants to stay alone, I told her it's our issue, why this third person is getting advantage?But she told me no one is getting advantage and she told me she likes to talk to him and no and she has even told him not to send these sort of messages.On 28th dec she told me she doesn’t want to come back to me and even if she will come that will be a compromise. She has even stopped talking to my parents. She used to praise me for my love, care, everything. She used to take so much care of me but suddenly this has happened.She used to cry for me and in 15 days everything has changed. I still don't sense what has happened that made her so strong... she even didn’t call me at New Year. Her friend did call me and told me that she was asking about me... I never wanted to hurt her... our relationship was always perfect.She used to love me so much... care for me so much and suddenly these things are happening. I don’t know why this is happening. What should I do?? Should I call her?? Or wait for her call?I realised all my mistakes but I feel bad that if she had a problem with my possesiveness she should have told me face to face, involving a guy into this is not a good way, this is not love, not evryone is perfect. I know that guy is taking advantage of this and speaking to her those words which will soothe her, he has no commitment and hence nothing to lose at the end of the day it's only me and her who will suffer. I trust her more than myself, just in the past times I thought that our relationship was intact but I assume she started comparing me with him.Please help. I love her so much. I miss her badly. Please guide I don't want her trouble herself... Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ecstasy  +, writes (12 January 2009):
 you need to trust her and bringing up the same thing again and again is irritating as hell! either trust her completely if you really love her or let go cuz theres no love/ successfull relationship without trust!one simple way of making you understand....in this phrase...
Love is like sand the tighter you hold on to it the more it will slip away give it freedom and its yours.....
go upto her apologize....tell her your possessiveness is an expression of love and you know its a problem, promise her you will work on it im sure she'll understand.... good luck!
A
female
reader, sweet pea23  +, writes (12 January 2009):
it seems to me that although you hae been together 4 years you dont know each other very well.it seems abit dodgy that this man is proposing and saying i love you to her it sounds as though they are closer than you think.maybe she found it hard living in another city to you as you could not see each other alot.could you not move closer maybe move in together? but if you continue being possesive you will lose her.i would write a letter to her then leave it to her to get back to you.if she doesnt you will have to leave her be and try to move on.
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