A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do I move past the pain? My boyfriend was with me for a year and then left me to go to university 250 miles away. I'm at university but i stayed at home and i can only see him every three-six weeks. We used to spend every single day together. when he is there i feel so betrayed. He has left me and he lives with four girls and one guy. There's always about a million girls there though. I trust him not to physically betray me :( but its not fair that they have him and I don't. We have talked and talked about this, and he says he left because he felt smothered at home and wanted to be somewhere nice and see a different area. But why so far? I don't understand. And he doesn't seem to miss me very much when he is away. My real problem is that, despite his reasonings and how true they may be, my heart is telling me it's breaking every day that he is there. We want to be together, but we can't keep going if I can't accept that he is there and what it means. I wont be the first girl he has lived with. I wont be the person he cares about most, because he tends to put everything in his 'other life' first without realising it. He doesn't mean to hurt me and I am so confused. I want to be able to just accept that he is there now, and to stop hurting, to stop feeling betrayed and to stop crying whenever I think about how he left me. What do I do? How do I forgive him for going so far away and leaving me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do understand that I don't have the right to be mad at him, and i'm not making him ask for forgiveness or anything :S it's just that I still feel mad at him and I want to be able to let it go and forgive him, but even when i'm not letting him realise i'm mad at him, I still am. Maybe I am just insecure about it? I'm not sure. I know he did the right thing, I just don't understand why i'm mad. I knew i'd be upset when he left but I don't understand why i'm still so upset over it as I thought after last year I would have accepted it by now. And I don't want to take it out on him, but i'm not sure how to get over it in the first place or why it's such a big deal and is still affecting me.
Hm. anyway. thanks for your replies.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 October 2010):
I have to agree with the post below. He's done nothing wrong. This isn't some ownerships thing where you own him, then he moves and all the girls at university own him just because he's there. He's there to study so he can get a better life for himself, and if he's still with you afterwards, you too. I'd suggest you look very closely at your own life and insecurities, because you're coming across as hugely insecure and angry over something you simply don't have the right to be angry about. He's done exactly the right thing. He's placed the future above the present, because ultimately both your futures are what matter here.
He didn't desert you, or leave you. And he's not 'owned' by these other girls. I'm afraid this is about your own insecurities, and you need to deal with them, not blame him for going away. He's done nothing.
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A
female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (22 October 2010):
 You need to realize he hasn't truly done anything wrong by temporarily moving away, and therefore shouldn't have to ask for forgiveness. He made the choice to go to a school far away just as you made the choice to go to one near home. It wouldn't be fair to expect to be given priority over his education and life goals.
There isn't much you can do other than try to get over it and be supportive. Unless he cheated or did something equally terrible, hasn't done anything TO you by simply moving. He's still with you, just not physically there all the time.
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