A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I need help from some people that have gone through this before. Me and my girlfriend of 5 years broke up, and pretty much right away she slept with some guy. About 3 months later she wants to get back together but I'm not sure if I can forgive her or even just deal with the pain I have. Should I forgive her because I still love her and want to get married l.Some things to know, she broke up with me but when she did she told me it was just a quick break so yes we were technically not together but still. Another thing to know is she slept with him more then once so it wasn't a one night rebound. Also she did tell me the truth when she could have kept it a secret. So my question is what would you do? Is the pain worth being with her? I know it will go away eventually but still something in my mind will always be upset.
View related questions:
broke up, get back together Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2015): This happened to me. I took her back, she did it again. Worst decision of my life. Just drop contact, it will be a bad 3 months then you'll move on. Don't take her back.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2015): Well am sorry this happened to you, it happened to me with more then just one love, hate to say this but, she only broke up with you to be with him, then after he got what he wanted, he told her to hit the road, she is using you for comfort, to ease her pain, I can see her doing it again, hell you tool back, once, why not do it again, what she thinks, she doesn't care about your pain, only her self, it will take time, an alot of pain, I would walk if I was you, good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2015): Honesty doesn't mean she's a keeper. She could do all kinds of things and go with the honesty policy in order to make herself look better than she actually is.When she said it was a quick break that means she had every intention of getting back together with you. Telling you that probably made you feel like you should be hanging on waiting for her to come back and stopping you from moving on and sleeping with other women. If my partner ended things but said it was a quick break I would be under the impression that he just needed a bit of space and we were still *technically* together. You weren't *technically* separated.If you were to stay together now though you need to make sure that you have forgiven and forgotten this. It'll just keep on cropping up in arguments otherwise.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2015): You feel bad now, but there is a way forward. It is not that difficult. Cheerup!
Some quotes from Epictetus, a Greek philosopher:
• "What really frightens and dismays us are not events themselves, but the way in which we perceive them. It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance. It is our attitudes and reactions that give us trouble. We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them."
In other words: It's all a matter of perception. The key for you is to determine if you can really perceive this as a positive event, rather than negative.
Take a piece of paper and on one side make a list of the bad or negative things that happened as a result of your GF's actions, for example your feelings are hurt, she feels bad about it, etc, etc. On the other side make a list of the good or positives arising from her actions, for example she sees her mistake and won’t do it again, you and her are talking more, it has brought you closer together, it made you realize you were taking her for granted, it made you realize how much she meant to you and how much you loved her, it made you realize that your relationship was not growing, it made you realize that you need to learn more about growing a relationship, it made you realize you and her were not talking about your future, etc, etc. Spend a lot of time thinking about this. Then ask yourself if the positives clearly outweigh the negatives. If they do, then perceive this to be a positive event, and forgive and forget. Get your GF to do this and then talk about it together. Then pledge to each other that you will seek outside help in learning how to grow a relationship. Ultimately you will recall this event as the trigger for improving your relationship and leading to marriage, and not as upsetting.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 December 2015):
 Dear Plan B,
Yes you are right she set up the break so she could try out the competition. Yes you feel hurt, and disrespected. No you have no obligation to accept this. The answer to your question is that it takes lots of time and positive experience to build back the love and trust that was destroyed by her actions. 5 Years undone in 3 months. It will take a year or more to return. During that time she will need to demonstrate her trustworthiness by offering full transparency. With out that you will most likely never heal.
The most common advice given in your situation is to go find someone who wants you to be Plan A.
FA
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2015): "So my question is what would you do?"
I would stop thinking with my dick and start thinking with my brain.
That way I'd realize that I'm being played for a sap by the chick who threw me over for the guy with whom she had been previously cheating on me and who quickly dumped her as soon as he saw her for the conniving little tramp she is, and now she wants to insinuate herself back into my life so she can take me for another ride until something better comes along.
"Is the pain worth being with her?"
No. You'll feel much better once you see her for what she is and reclaim your balls from the jar she's keeping them in.
Smarten up.
...............................
A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (2 December 2015):
 I would not suggest to get back together with her, nor would I suggest to not get back with her. However, what I do suggest is that you need to be sure you have forgiven her and are at peace with the whole situation of her breaking up with you and then sleeping with sone one else. There is no guideline or procedure on HOW to forgive her and be at peace with things. It will take time and it can only come within yourself.
Then you can decide whether you want to renew the relationship with her. It HAS TO be a clean start, IF you are going to start over. It can not carry the baggages you are carrying now, because it will only fail in the end.
Take some time.. get over that breakup, then start something new with her or someone else. Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (2 December 2015):
 "so my question is what would you do?" well this thing happened to me years ago with my girl friend then, which is now my wife of over 30 years. we was broke up but it still hurt to the core of my soul. she was a virgin while i dated her, but she gave her self to another guy. what hurts is i never pushed myself on her, while we dated. yes i married her. no i have not forgotten, but i gave forgiveness extended to her. i loved her even while we was apart. has it been easy " no. " here is were the bottom line is. she is not someone i could have married and be alright to live with, to take her or leave her. she is the one person that i did not and do not want to live without. that makes a big difference. if you stay with her will you forget over time, no. will it still hurt over time, yes. can you forgive and except, yes if she is the one. if so you will need to take it slow in the relationship and let love fill in were some of the hurt is crowding now. she was honest with you, did not hide it from you. " is the pain worth being with her?" you will have to answer that, but is she the one! is she the one you do not want to live without? is she the one you cant see yourself without in the future. "something in my mind will always be upset." yes that is more than likely true. it is that way with me also, a lot of questions i ask myself with hurt, and what if's , and frustration. you will have to decide if she is the one or not. it is normal to feel hurt deep within, a feeling of lose , and questions you can't answer. i hope this helps.
...............................
|
