A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I think I'm a lesbian. I was around nine when I first heard the word, 'lesbian'. A friend slept over and we had shared the same bed. She said this made us, "lesbians". I didn't have the faintest idea what it meant, so I looked it up. My only thought when I found out what it meant was "sure, why not?" It seemed like a fine idea to me. When I was about the same age, I remember all my friends starting to develop crushes on pop stars and boys at school. I pretended I did too because I didn't want to be left out, but actually, I wasn't remotely interested. I was about 12 when I started to develop sexual feelings towards other girls. I remember the first time it happened. I was looking through some magazines when I saw the most beautiful women. I wanted to kiss her so badly. She gave me a weird feeling that no one else had ever given me. From there, my feelings grew. I started masturbating to my fantasies and found myself asking more and more the question "am I gay?" I remember stumbling across some soft lesbian porn when I was about 15 and thinking it was the most arousing thing I had ever seen. This was the first time I became convinced I was gay and I was terrified. I just wanted to be normal, but I couldn't stop liking girls. My mum had a suspicion that I was in love with one of my girlfriends and hated it. She yelled at me about it so much. So I kept my feelings to myself and tried to fight them. I tired to have boyfriends at school, but I just didn't fancy them. Kissing them was just not pleasant and was something I avoided at all costs. From about 17, I had secret girlfriends, and kissing them was wonderful. I slept with some blokes, but I didn't get anything from it, and at the age of 21 finally felt like I knew for sure I'm a lesbian. But then, I fell in love with a man. Sexually, I wasn't into him at all, but emotionally, I fell head over heels with him. We were together for 8 years. I didn't hate sex with him... It just didn't turn me on. It was more that I enjoyed being close to him than got actually sexually aroused. Initially it was fine, but then I started to get frustrated and had to rely heavily on my lesbian fantasies for any sexual pleasure at all. Eventually, I started looking at lesbian dating sites while we were still together and actually fell in love with a woman in this time. I didn't cheat on him physically, but I wanted her so badly. She ended up breaking my heart. After I broke up with him, I fell in love with another male. Again, I wasn't sexually aroused by the thought of being him, but certainly seemed to feel a very deep love for him. That didn't work out either. All the time I have tried to have sexual relationships with men, I have been fantasising about being with women. Sometimes I think if I can't be with a woman I will explode.Now I'm single again, and I really do want a girlfriend. I'm pretty sure I am a lesbian. I have only ever been sexually attracted to women and I do not see this changing any time soon. However, because I have the ability to have strong emotional connections with men, I don't want to come out as gay just in case I fall for a male again. Surely if I were actually a lesbian I would not feel anything for men? Not even emotional... Am I just in denial?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2015): Just wanted to add on a bit to what Honeypie has said, about sexual and romantic attraction - these can (and a lot of the time are) be different, so you might be biromantic, but homosexual. It does sound a lot like what you describe - you fall in love with two genders, but only have a sexual attraction to girls. I hope this made sense, and was helpful!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 December 2015):
 Define "coming out".
you've dated men and women.
you owe NO one anything.
no need to make a huge announcement to anyone.
if you were straight you would not "come out" or announce to anyone "I'm gong to only date men" you just would do it.
so as it says in the commercial "JUST do it"
you owe no explanation to anyone.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 December 2015):
 "Coming out" is the wrong phrase. It's a weird phrase too, that gives no meaning unless you believe all people are originally heterosexual. Because why don't heterosexuals ever "come out"?
So no, don't "come out". Just be who you are. You do not owe anyone a full on disclosure about your sexuality. If you fall for a woman then you fall for a woman. If you fall for a man then you fall for a man. It's not harder than that.
I know people just love to put labels on others, but do yourself a favour and don't label yourself. Labels are for bottles. Not humans. If you absolutely must "come out" officially for some reason, then do it. So what if you fall for a man later on? I mean, who is it that you need to report to?
If you want both doors open just call yourself a bisexual then. There's no rule about what you need to be or how many times you're allowed to label yourself. Sexuality is ever changing and shifting. Even for heterosexual ones.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 December 2015):
 I advise you to come out, but don't do it in desperation or in a rushed "I've got to do it or I'll explode!" way. This is *your* truth, and nobody else's.
My brother-in-law came out to his family, and it was pretty rough for a few years. Lots of emotions, some ugliness, confusion, anger on every side, but in the end, everyone's relationship is better. He is living who he is.
You've been sorting yourself around other people because it's the way you've survived in living in this world as who you are. It's time to claim your truth and let your world sort around you. I advise young people like teenagers or early college not to rush to the label because sexuality is fluid, but I think you know who you are now. Now it's a matter of how to do it. You never told me about your relationship with your mom is until now, so I don't want to give you wrong advice without knowing more.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 December 2015):
 I don't want you to be unhappy or in misery, by golly! no one should be.
But you mention that the biggest worry is that you really aren't sure if your next partner will be a man or a woman and that if you come out as a lesbian, but meet a man people will somehow think the "wrong" thing, or in case you are "wrong" about it.
If you feel you must do this as a step to finding happiness, then go for it.
There IS nothing wrong with being a lesbian. And there is nothing WRONG with you for wanting to live your life to the fullest.
All I suggested, was do at at a pace YOU are comfortable with. But if you are bursting with the NEED to do it, then go for it. I'd start with people you know can handle it (maybe tell some friends before mom).
It might be in my "straightness" I don't really get the need for labeling myself. I am who I am.
http://www.queerbychoice.com/labelreasons.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@HoneypieComing out is important to me. I don't know why but it is. I am 30 and this has been something I have been thinking about my whole life. Just as some people do not see the need to come out, others do. I think my OP made it quite clear that I do feel the need and that I have been unhappy not coming out as lesbian. I don't know why you seem to want to convince me to stay in a state of unhappiness? I'm not bisexual and I do not believe my sexuality is fluid. As I said in my first response to you... I have pretty much accepted that I am not attracted to men. I started being attracted to girls when I was a kid, and as I said before, I am now 30. I have a very real internalised sense of unhappiness about being gay. I have been finding excuses that I can't be gay for my whole life... That I can be "normal" and just go with a man. Bisexuality was one such excuse in the past. It was temporally useful, I guess, in that I was able to admit my desires to some of my friends without having to completely take off the costume. But it didn't fit. I ended up with another man and again, unhappy. I don't know why you are encouraging me to remain untrue to myself and stay unhappy? I guess your post was useful in so much as it offended me that you seem to want to discourage me from identifying as I would like to, making me all the more sure that I do need to be true to myself and come out as lesbian.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2015):
I don't know why it's so important to "come out" to others or label yourself. Your love is between you and whomever you love. If others ask, then sure you can tell them, but I just don't see why it's necessary to "come out" to folks that you aren't in a relationship with. Your mom already know (and disliked) your feeling for another girl, so I think SHE knows deep down that you are not exactly straight. Your friends will hopefully be supportive no matter what gender yo are dating.
Sexuality for some people is a bit fluid. I don't think it's entirely black and white. You might sexually prefer women and emotionally men. It might come down to whomever you are with. You might have "hid" or denied yourself your true feeling to try and adapt to what you felt family and society expects of you, but that will leave you unhappy - so why not just go with YOUR flow? Let it be organic. Not a "OK now I'm a lesbian so I have to tell everyone" and then stick to it.
Have a go at that side of you, see if you met someone who makes YOUR world make sense.
Or wait to "come out" to everyone till after you have fond a partner (male or female) you can see yourself with long term.
Your are not going to change as a person putting a label on yourself. You will still be you.
I'm not trying to make light of your conundrum, but I think you have to decide if it's something you WANT to try and and then go for it. Regardless of giving yourself a label or not. Maybe neither lesbian nor bisexual really cover YOUR sexual preferences.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie If only it were that simple. I probably wouldn't have spent 18 years worrying about it! I have tired self identifying as bisexual before, but it doesn't feel right to me. I even came out as bi to a couple of my friends, but it just feels like a lie to me. I guess I have accepted in myself that I am not attracted to men, but I am so scared of the reactions of others that I can't fully accept it.
@YouWish I think you are right about my mom making me scared to come out as lesbian. Her reaction when I was young just made me so ashamed of my feelings. I have wondered if the feelings I have for guys are actually just close friendships, but that I am socialised to see something more in that? I don't know. I have tried to be attracted to men sexually, but I'm just not :(
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2015):
Maybe (if we stick to the whole label thing) you are not a lesbian, but bisexual. Problem solved as bisexuals are attracted to both genders.
The labels aside, I agree with YouWish the "label" is irrelevant if you can't let yourself love whom you love.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 December 2015):
I saw your age on this post, and it's clear to me that if you choose a label, it would be lesbian. And YOU ARE NORMAL! I think it's more how you perceive the word "lesbian" and it's more that you're struggling with the fact that your mom programmed you to have a stigma about being one.
Listen to me - you will not be whole until you are who you are. Labels are for other people to make sense of things...the real issue is for you to live as who you are. If you never ever call yourself a lesbian, that's secondary to allowing yourself to love who you love.
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