A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for a 1 and 1/2 years. He's the longest relationship I've ever been in (the second longest only being 2 months). We're young (he's 22; I just turned 20), so I don't expect us to be super serious or talking about marriage yet. However, if the subject of marriage is ever brought up, he's totally against it and says it'll hold him down, even if I'm there to hear it.We've had a lot of problems over the past few months. He hasn't had a stable job in over a year and since he's had trouble finding a job, it really changed him, especially since he couldn't afford to go back to school. I guess he lost confidence in himself because I've been the one working consistently and going to work, supporting us financially. But the change isn't good. He's become lazy, insensitive, distant, and not appreciative at all. I've paid for a lot of his bills, too, so that he wouldn't lose his car or his phone. He tells me thank you every now and then, but it's kind of like he tries to forget that I've given him a lot of money. I've tried to be sweet and do little, nice things for him, to show him that I care, but his idea of doing something nice for me is buying me something off the dollar menu at a fast food restaurant every now and then. We don't go on dates because "he has no money" and "we don't have time".However, the main problem that I think we have is that we kind of just act like friends with benefits. We rarely do things on our own; instead, we usually do things with a group of friends. I like that, but there are times when I feel like I'm just a part of that group and not with him. He'll walk ahead of me, spend most of the time with the others, and I feel alone. The only time we do spend together is at each other's houses when he's playing a video game or we watch tv together. We're just not romantic. We hold hands and kiss, but I have to usually initiate it. When I question him about it, he just apologizes. And I've tried to be romantic, but I'm awkward and shy, so I really don't know what to do. I've tried explaining this to him, but he just gets defensive.When we almost broke up because I felt like he was being insensitive, not paying me enough attention (which is weird for me to complain about since I'm USED to not getting attention), and that he didn't care, he only had one complaint: that we weren't having sex enough. That frustrates me. I know that we rarely have sex. He lives at home with two extremely conservative parents so we can't go to his room; and I also live at home. However, he knows that I'm a bit squeamish about sex. In my relationship before him, when I lost my v-card, my ex was terrible. He basically forced me to have sex every day, sometimes more than once, and I hated it. So now when I have sex, I rarely enjoy it. Sometimes I do, but it's difficult. (Porn is a no-no; I hate that, too.) I feel bad about not wanting to have sex and usually end up having it because I know he wants it. But even then, I'm rarely turned on and I just try to get him off as fast as possible. I'm maybe turned on and want sex about once every two months, but that's not healthy. I used to like sex with him, at least I think I did, but now I'm just not sure.What should I do? How can I fix things? I love him, so I don't want to break up with him. I know that I'm not in love with him anymore, but I want to be able to fall in love with him again. Is maybe the fact that I feel like we're friends making me feel uncomfortable about having sex?
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broke up, confidence, friend with benefits, lives at home, money, my ex, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (17 October 2010):
You're in a tough spot. There are several things that are going on, including stuff that you may not be aware of.
- It is hard for a guy (or woman for that matter) to be in a serious relationship where they feel like they bring less to the table than the other person. He could be resenting the fact that you are able to bring money to the relationship, or hating himself for not being able to.
If he hates where he is at, and feels like he is dragging you down or doubts why you would love him, he is going to lash out against you. It isn't that he doesn't love you, rather that he doesn't like seeing the woman he loves with a "loser" (even if that is him). If your post is accurate, I would believe this to be the real reason he is against talking about marriage.
He does try and forget that you give him lots of money: he HATES that he can't provide for himself, much less the both of you. Your best bet here is to simply let it go, and decide that you did it because you love him and he doesn't even owe you a thank you. It's hard, but trying to get him to respond positively to being bailed out by a woman he wants to impress in every way is going to frustrate both of you. Love him, and let it go.
- Sex is tough. When communication in a relationship breaks down, both people start looking for non-verbal signs of emotion. Sex is a powerful part of that: it can show someone how happy their partner is, or how protected, love, and satisfied they feel. I would be willing to bet that, when you thought you liked having sex with him, you also felt like the two of you were clicking well.
That being said, your past scarred you and he needs to be able to show compassion for that. It is hard (especially for guys) to stop having sex in a relationship after it has been a regular thing, but sex should never be more important than the well-being of your mate. Ever.
You need to sit down with yourself and some paper (or send yourself an email), and write out your sex issues. You need to clearly put down exactly what your ex did, exactly how it made you feel the way you feel about sex now, and from there decide exactly what kind of rules you need with your current man to make you happy. If that is no sex, less sex, crazy sex, or anything else, figure out what it is.
Keep in mind that, in the case of emotional damage, this can't be something you compromise on. Doing so won't help you at all, and will only frustrate your man. Instead, make him realize that he loves you and you NEED this in order to be happy. That is the goal: for the both of you to be happy. If he can't handle your conditions for happiness, then the two of you aren't compatible.
One more statement I have to respond to:
"I know that I'm not in love with him anymore, but I want to be able to fall in love with him again."
It is a precarious place to say you aren't in love anymore. I don't mean that as judgmental, just that you have to be careful. I don't think you want to lose this guy, but something that could do both of you a great deal of good would be a short separation. One month, no contact. It isn't breaking up, you two aren't allowed to see other people. It is merely the two of you spending time focused on yourselves to try and deal with issues you haven't been able to deal with in yourselves since you got together.
I've been through them before and I can tell you they really can help. Fight against the sinking feeling in your heart, and realize that he isn't slipping away. The two of you love each other, and can work as a team to come through this as a better couple and as better people.
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