A
female
age
26-29,
*Tzimisce.
writes:It's rare me and my mother ever have an emotional, bonding conversation; I try and start a conversation with her but she just says "Yeah" or "Mhmm" or something to cut the conversation short. The only time we actually have a conversation is when were arguing about something, something that bothers her or its something that shes interested in.It's rare that I get a hug from her, or a "how was your day?", not a lot of love and affect between me and her. She's never encouraged me to pursue my passions or dreams, she just doesn't care at all about how I feel and just emotionally shuts off. Even my step-dad has noticed this and has told me she takes out her anger on him about any little thing - and she does this to me as well. Half of the time she is very grumpy, moody and cold, my friend pointed this out to me one day and asked if it was normal and I said it was normal for her; she found it scary. To be honest; I'm terrified of bringing a guy home to meet her because I don't want him to see how shit my relationship with my mother is, or anyone for that matter. My best friend has seen it and she knows now (and thankfully doesn't judge me for it). I know I have tried so many times to communicate my needs to her as a child - For instance when I needed encouragement she would brush me off and say "what do you want me to do, throw you a party?!" and get angry and storm off. I have tried starting conversations with her but she gets frustrated, or irritated. Half of the time she doesn't want to talk.I'm at my wits end, I honestly don't know what else to do. I'm going to speak to my therapist about it because I honestly ... don't love my mother ... I want to change this but she isn't letting me find a reason to love her. What can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2018): You did mention that you and your biological-father maintain a good relationship. Their marriage failed for whatever reasons; and there may be details in a broken-marriage that is better kept between husband and wife. No-one else is privy to the secrets of a marriage. Children don't need the details. That's private and between your parents.
She may envy that she couldn't keep what you and your father still have. It hurts a woman to know that she can no longer maintain love in her marriage, regardless of who's at fault.
Some bear shame and embarrassment over it for years. Showing their immunity to feelings is how some women cope with it.
A girlfriend and a boyfriend can walk away from each other and never have to cross paths again. Unless they have kids.
Divorced-people with children are forever reminded their marriage didn't work; because they remain held together by their children. For some, their children are their olive branch; but for the embittered and scornful, they are held imprisoned by their resentment.
You did mention your mother unleashes her anger on your stepfather as well. Her anger and resentment most likely does stem from the divorce; which she never got over. You and your father are constant reminders. She may feel betrayed that you still love your dad. You have no reason not to. Her reasons not to are strictly her own. Freezing you out is her way of punishing you for it. She also takes out her frustrations on her second-husband.
In-time, enough will be enough.
Try and forgive her; but take my suggestion. Tell her how she makes you feel. Tell her about how she never encourages you or hugs you. If she is a narcissist as TylerSage wisely suggests, she will not have the capacity to be moved by your emotion. You are too young to understand this. So your therapist can best break it down for you.
Through communication with people we may open connections; but the reality is, we don't always change them or get what we want from them. However; we plant a seed that may take sometime to grow. She may not react or respond on the spot; but you will put something in her thoughts that she may have never realized. Mainly because she was never confronted about it. Apparently everyone sees how she is, but everyone seems to just standby and let her be.
Be the first to put a dent in her shield. Don't expect anything, but you have a right to inform her how she is hurting you. You are faultless for whatever she is going through, and you should be loved above anything else in her life, sweetheart. You probably are, but her pain runs so deep she doesn't know how to deal with it. So she has a mask to show nothing moves her. She has decided to show no emotions other than her indifference and resentment.
When she has driven everyone away who loves her, and she's all alone. She will be very sorry. By then, it will be too late. No one will be able to care. She will be a very lonely bitter old woman.
A
male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (4 April 2018):
 There's a VERY GOOD CHANCE your mom has narcissistic personality disorder. I know because EVERY SINGLE THING you wrote in your letter here today were the SAME THINGS I experienced growing up with my mother....and some...I am so happy and grateful I found out she was a COMPLETE and MANIPULATIVE monster who CANNOT...I REPEAT....CANNOT CHANGE, and that I wasn't the problem and that I wasn't at fault and that her behaviour was NOT normal and that I know how to love and I know how to feel empathy for those around me. She on the other hand cannot. I was able to break free of her neglect and misery...it took some time, I'm still working on it today, but YOU CAN TOO. Her poor ways taught me to be strong and love myself.A lot of people fail to see that MANY MANY MANY people suffer from mental illnesses. Some think it's only in movies or it can't happen to them or in their family but that's not the case.The first thing I recommend you do is RESEARCH, RESEARCH, RESEARCH. Check out things like "Symptoms of NPD", "Symptoms of a Narcissistic mother", "Borderline Personality Disorder", "Bipolar Disorder" maybe even "Symptoms of a psychopath". Don't chase after her, it'a s ploy to ensure that she can still manipulate you by making you feel guilty or a have constant need to please her or gain her attention. Don't fall for her attempts to "act nice' all of a sudden, that's the same ploy.I recommend that you keep your distant. One of the hardest things you may have to face is that she will NEVER, EVER be like a normal mother, she will ALWAYS and FOREVER be this way.Like I said it's going to take some time to detach from your own mother bit it for your own sanity. Don't let her bring you down to her level. Rise above it. Bring this up to your dad or therapist and hear what they think.Get some rest and KNOW that you are not the problem. She is.Wishing you all the best.
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A
female
reader, .Tzimisce. +, writes (3 April 2018):
.Tzimisce. is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks WiseOwlE! I didn't think this was a good place to ask this sort of question but I wanted good answers ... and this is where I usually come for the best answers on the internet lol! My biological father is still in my life, I see him about once every fortnight. He treats me with a lot more affectionate than my mother, he hugs me and encourages me a lot. I don't think anything bad happened between my mother and father, I don't really want to know in case it ruins any feelings I have for both sides but all I know is they fell out of love and they divorced. I doubt my mother had me by accident because afew years later she had my brother. I felt after reading your post maybe she is still emotionally hurt from the divorce and doesn't want to open up to anyone ever again as a way of protecting herself. I couldn't compare her to how she was before she had me as I wasn't around but perhaps it was in the divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2018): It's likely your therapist will tell you the same; but let the therapist do his or her job, I'll offer you some wisdom.
All women who give birth to children are not cutout to be mothers. Nurturing, loving, and encouraging. Even women who had wonderful mothers to set marvelous examples for them may turn-out to be what seem to be empty vessels. Loveless, void of compassion, and some are even ruthless and cruel.
Most often, parenthood was forced upon them. Not planned, or even wanted. Some women may have wanted something different for their lives, and motherhood ended that dream. So they wrap themselves in resentment and punish the world; because they got pregnant when they should have just kept their legs closed. Well, if you have unprotected sex, you may get pregnant! You got married, but didn't want kids? Well, you should have refused the proposal. They might opt to keep the child; but they don't show their own flesh and blood love. So so sad.
There are common-phrases I deem total crap. Like "they love you, but show it in their own way." Bull! There is but one way to show true love. Through kindness, goodness, loyalty, trust, and with true compassion. You're alive, and she can still take some credit for that.
Then comes the worst scenario of all. Some women are just awful people. Apathetic and mean, and just damned hateful for no apparent reason. There are shit-people sprinkled all over the planet; and they don't have to have an abuse-excuse or anything done to them to be assholes. They're just nasty. Unfortunately, they are able to reproduce. Sometimes parenthood changes them for the better, sometimes it doesn't.
You have to come to terms with the realities of life. We can't change some people; so we have to change ourselves and/or adapt to the situation.
We make the best of what we have. Your mother may not have it within her to express her warmth and affection towards you (or anyone). It might be due to a mental-health issue that was never evaluated or diagnosed; or she never wanted to be a mom. Who knows? Maybe she feels motherhood took away her freedom to do something else; or you are a grim reminder of your biological-father. He may have traumatized her so badly; she is so damaged she even takes out her resentment on you. Purposely distancing herself and cutting you and everyone else out of her life. She's on permanent-shutdown.
If you didn't love your mother, you wouldn't have taken time to write a post about learning how to get along. You do love her, but you want to change her. Sometimes that's not possible, sweetheart.
She's not the loving and affectionate kind of person. You are still allowed to love her; because she gave you life. You can still show her kindness; because you are a decent human being. Just vow that if you have children of your own; you will be the opposite of everything she has been to you.
I always take a teenager's perception of their parents with a grain of salt. I don't mean I'm dismissive; but I know at a certain age children in your age-group can create some very unsettling portrayals of their parents. Particularly daughters about their mothers. Oh, they also throw in some well-articulated incriminating-evidence to back-up their opinions. Mom doesn't get to defend herself. So we get only one-side. You get to critique mom's performance; but she doesn't get to give her evaluation of yours.
Perhaps your mother is a tortured-soul. No one knows what goes on inside her head, or what trauma she may have endured that she never told anyone about. All you see is the end-result of whatever life did to her.
Love her in spite of her ills. Show her kindness and due respect, regardless of what you've witnessed. Talk to her and tell her exactly how she makes you feel. Totally ignore her short phrases or cold-shoulder. She has ears and a brain. Use your words and sometimes you'll get a breakthrough. Tell your mother you're trying like hell to get along. Ask her to meet you halfway.
People don't change over-night. Sometimes they never do. So you have to change yourself, and your perception of how things are and will be. You make the best of what you've got; so these people don't steal your joy from life. You prosper and go forth in life with fervor and the determination to be happy and bring joy to others you love.
You didn't get the model TV mom, but she is still your mother. Fortunately she didn't abort you, or purposely drop you on your head as an infant. She took care of you until you're 18. Give her some credit for that. Some of the stories of abuse and cruelties I've known of from people would shock you.
You don't mention anything of your biological-father, or whatever happened to him. Maybe that is where the answer lies as to what made your mother like she is. Perhaps you remind her a lot of him. That doesn't justify her behavior; but may bear some clues.
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A
male
reader, SnowCave +, writes (3 April 2018):
Unless she is willing to go to therapy herself (and kudos to you for going), there isn't much you can do except accept that this is the way your mother is and she will probably never change. You're at an age where you still feel partly emotionally dependent on your parents, but you are young and that will change. You will probably always feel a little sad that your mother was unable to offer you the kind of relationship and warmth that you needed and wanted, but with time you will know that parents are people too, they have their own issues, and they do love their children even if they are sometimes terrible at showing or expressing it.As for introducing guys to your parents, know that any guy who truly likes or loves you will accept you as you are, including your mother and your relationship with her. Any guy who judges you for it is not worth your time, especially given that it isn't even remotely your fault that she acts like this. It's worth waiting for someone who loves you and accepts you in this way, and don't waste your time on anyone who doesn't. Many men have similar issues with one or both parents (including me) and really do understand and empathize - so don't give up hope!
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