A
female
age
30-35,
*ancy25
writes:hi there, my name is nancy and i was wondering if anyone has any ideas on how i can fake being a virgin. because i'm gettin married soon and it's a crime in my culture to have sex before marrige. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miss.Me  +, writes (9 May 2011):
 A "crime"? Wow. Well, he should be a virgin too in this case so, he has no sure way to know how a virgin should be. If he gets on to you about "you didn't bleed" or other statements, just stay with your story that you're a virgin. He has no way to know you're lying unless you or someone else tells him. If he still doesn't believe you, pull up scientic research online that says not all girls are born with intact hymens; they can break on their own; not all women bleed during their first time. If he STILL doesn't believe you, get your parents involved (so he knows you're not trying to hide anything) and ask for a divorce.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): Tell him the truth.
If he still wants to marry you then nobody else has to know but you and him.
If he does not, then at least he will have been given his rightful chance to make his own decision about his own life.
If he is a decent respectable guy then hopefully he would be willing to break off the engagement without telling anyone else why he is doing so.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 May 2011):
 Don't get aroused. Think of something not sexy at all, so that you will not get wet down there. That way, having sex will hurt, and he will believe you are a virgin. Also don't touch him or kiss him passionately, and act surprised by everything he does, or better yet: slightly fearful. In the end, if you give him what he wants, which is the idea of what a virgin is, he will believe you are one. A "virgin" in this sense is someone who has not even seen a man naked before, is scared of penises, afraid of the pain, modest, doesn't touch or kiss much, thinks of sex as something forbidden and taboo. Let him guide you through it and he will feel like a man, who's supposed to teach you, comfort you when it hurts, and teach you how to appreciate it.So if he asks you if you like this or that, be very careful with saying yes, say you don't know, or maybe, or say that it feels unusual, or act surprised if it feels very good. In other words, go over the top a bit like you have never seen a man naked before in your life and everything is new and scary.
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A
female
reader, Gherkinsaregrim  +, writes (8 May 2011):
Seems like an unfair culture, well anyway I would try do a ridiculous amount of kegel excersises to try and tighten yourself up a lot.
It's possible to break your hymen from riding a horse or a bike so maybe try pretend you love cycling or something
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 May 2011):
 I know that it's not as easy as it sounds, but why not marry into a different culture? I know it has to do with reputation within one's own family, but why not marry a guy who has no such demand (i.e. a woman who must be a virgin).
Nancy, you also called it a "law" in your culture. This implies consequences if you were to break that "law".
What would happen to you if it came out that you aren't a virgin?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): Cindy, yes it does all depend, life isn't always as we would think it should be, and some cultures are be very harsh, I am glad you knew things things to help her. OP do you have to do to keep yourself safe.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 May 2011):
 Some North African Muslim girls told me until few years ago women in your situation used to bathe the part in a solution of potassium alum powder and water - strongly astringent effect for several hours.
Now they got modern ,and buy on E-Bay something called " Virginity Soap " for about 20 USD: same strong but temporary astringent ( tissue -shrinking ) effect. Or, if they 've got the money, they go to a surgeon to get a hymenoplasty ( recostruction of the hymen ).
Aunts and Uncles, please don't beat me. I KNOW this is bad advice and honesty is the best policy. But we don't know exactly to which culture , religion and social environment this girl belongs.
It's too easy to say : oh now she is in Australia ,it does not matter. In some very industrialized and modern countries of Western emisphere,like for instance France, and Italy, there are immigrant communities that more or less adopt their host country customs and mentality , and others who don't AT ALL.
The cases in which a lack of virginity is the trigger for an " honour killing " are luckily very very rare ( but not extinct ) . Still the non- virgin bride might be beaten up, repudiated, disowned by her own family, pressured to move out of town. Unluckily, for some people virginity it's still a big deal.
So, it all depends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): You are going to have to lie about this forever, you will never be able to tell him, can you do that? This really isn't the way to start out married life.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 May 2011):
 Since virginity is a mental state rather than a physical one, there's nothing to fake. Many women don't bleed because they broke it falling, riding a bike, riding a horse, etc... But a marriage should be based on honesty and trust, and lying about your virginity is a HUGE violation of that trust. You'd always know you'd lied to your husband and would have to spend the rest of your marriage living in guilt.
I'm not sure what culture you belong to that prohibits sex before marriage, but you chose to have sex before marriage. You can choose which culture you want to belong to and choose to marry someone who doesn't care that you're not a virgin before marriage.
If you marry someone who cares that you're a virgin and he finds out that you're not, he will be devastated. My advice, find someone who wouldn't mind and marry him so you can start out the relationship/marriage with honesty rather than a huge lie.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): There's nothing to fake, if it's a crime then he'll be a virgin too so how is he going to know you're not unless you tell him?
Just don't tell him and that's all.
You might want to make sure there is no way that he'll find out from other people in the future though.
If he's wondering why you don't have a hymen then tell him you lost it when you were younger riding a bike or using tampons.
If he's wondering why you don't bleed then tell him that's pretty normal lots of women don't bleed.
Personally I don't think you should start a marriage with such a huge lie though nancy, if culture was that important to you you wouldn't have had sex and it's not a crime to have sex before marriage in Australia.
If sex before marriage is a crime in your culture then wouldn't be lying to your husband about being a virgin be an even bigger crime?
Look culture is important but you know what? you live in Australia, that's the culture you live in, whatever your faith whatever the culture of your ethnic community, Australian law and customs supersede those. I'm not saying they're better or worse, I'm just saying you have choices, such as your choice not to keep your virginity until marriage.
Think carefully if living a long life of a big lie is really worth it, because if your husband finds out then you'll be in an even worse position.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): hi, think back to when you first lost it, such as:be bad in bed, bad at kissing, not know what to do with him. stuff like that will be convincing to your partner. and then over time put your knowledge back into it.
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A
female
reader, ArtsyGirl +, writes (8 May 2011):
You shouldn't of had sex then, but otherwise just don't tell him. It's dishonest, but if you don't want to be caught then don't say you had sex.If your future/current husband notices your hymen is not intact tell him you might have broken it when you were stretching/riding a horse or bike, anything really.Sorry you have to result to this, good luck!
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A
female
reader, Miss.Knowitall  +, writes (8 May 2011):
 Well. Just say your a virgin. Really there is no way of knowing unless you slept around a lot and are really loose. And the whole "popped cherry" thing well many girls break it when they are young I was 7 and hit a huge bump on my bike. Just lie.
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