A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 24 and I'm afraid of this happening one day. I don't like my father, he's always in a foul mood, he's very negative. So I don't like being near him much. He tries and rules the house through fear. He sears and yells alot. Not a good way to communicate. He has a bad anger problem but never has done anything about it. He loses his temper over the smallest of things. He's punched walls in the house before. So I try and avoid him. He insults my mum alot. I don't know why she never stands up to him. I wonder if they stay together just for the sake of the family sometimes. My father says he's nothing lke his own father, who was autocratic. Yet does everything "just because it happened to him". Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (9 May 2011):
 One of the hardest things about growing up in a bad environment is that the lessons we get raised with stick with us forever. If you get yelled at a lot as a kid, your first instinct as an adult is often to yell when you're frustrated.
Even when you learn, intellectually, that yelling isn't going to help, that instinct can still be there. And then, even when you stop yourself, you still haven't seen a good example of the "right" way to deal with a problem. You rule out the wrong answer, but that doesn't make the right one obvious.
Get help. Get a handful of close friends who you trust. Have them be your watchdogs. Call them when something happens and you aren't sure how to handle it. If you catch yourself just putting up with abuse, call someone you trust and ask if it was really abuse, or if it was, how to deal with it. If you yell at someone, call a friend and ask hwo to deal with it. You see now the importance of these being close friends you can really trust.
A
female
reader, KeighleySky  +, writes (8 May 2011):
 your already not like him, you've said that his way is not the way to communicate.
children always grow up different from their parents. my father struggled with alcohol a few years ago and through seeing what that did to him ive vowed never to take his foot steps. my mother is in a bad marriage, arguments all the time. i dont like alochol and i get on great with my boyfriend.
i am nothing like my parents, sure i have their looks and a few personality traits but thats it.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (8 May 2011):
 I really understand where you are coming from. Growing up, I realized very early on how very cruel and mean spirited my mother could be. I decided at a very young age that I wanted to be NOTHING like her. In my mind I burned in the experiences with her that were so painful and hurtful and decided no matter what that I wouldn't act or react like she did. And at almost 50, I can proudly say that I am nothing like her. My children know this too, my whole family tells me how DIFFERENT I am from my mom. Its because I made a very conscious effort NOT to be like her. I love my mom, I just don't like her, if that makes sense. There are some things that you learn just from being around your parents, but it doesn't mean that you have to repeat them. You can be whoever you want to be sweets, in the end its all up to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): By choice, the saying "like father like son" doesn't have to be true, you control what you do, who you are, so you don't want to be like your father, well don't, choose not to be, you are halfway there already, because you know what you don't want to be like. I am nothing like my mother, it can be done.
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