A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi All - this is a follow up question from one of my previous ones - How do I cope with my girlfirends past - those that read my last message will remember that she used to be a bargirl in both the Philippines and Singapore and has admitted to me that over a 2 year period she was f--ked between 300-400 times by different customers. She says these were black, white, Asian and if a Monkey had asked and paid she would have said ok cos money was her only object. I don't believe the later - she was doing this to be accepted - she has no parents and in the Philippines its a status to have some money, a status to have a white boy friend and a white baby - which she has on the way.I am struggling so much with accepting the number of guys and the fact that the law of averages suggests that a number of these had large penise's.She says she likes mine and doesn;t like big ones - I am 6inc (Mr Avarege) but you ask any Man, avarage aint good enough nor is it acceptable to be told by your girlfriend that she doesn;t like big ones - we all know thats crap and we also know what that implies!!She says I should forget the past like she has - she says its dead and berried - I think thats denial - I think she needs to take responsibility for her actions and then she can move on - I think that would also help me move on - when she says things like, if I get a call or message from a past customer I am not interested and you shouldn't care either cos its my past and I am with you - thats not easy is it!My real problem is the amount of men - how can I ever feel secure about my position, my size, my specialness?And how can I ever be her special guy when she has had so many - it must be like just going to bed with another number, number 401!!! She says she loves sex with me, she says she comes and it does look like it but after so many I guess faking it could be quite an art.I no I am her knight in Shining armour for rescuing her and I know she loves me without question - and I have asked her to try to help me with my insecurity by showing her love for me and by showing me how special I am to her and I know she is trying but I cant feel it enough - I am not sure if I am not feeling it cos its not there or because I am scared to accept that she is showing it because I am guarding myslef in case its not true.Would love some input - its so difficult - I want to accept her past and move on but every hour I get a little flash back - I can walk past someone and it can trigger a thought about her in bed with similar. I usually take hours to sleep cos my mind is full of shit and I often have nightmares about her cheating on me by doing the same old stuff again.I really need help - I think she does too but she shot that down in flames and says she is perfectly normal, what she did was fairly typical for a girl in the Philippines and not rreally that much of a big deal. I wish I could get it!
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her past, money, move on, period, prostitute Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dear Aunty BimBim,
Appreciate your reply as always and very to the point - might I just enquire and this does go back hand in hand with some of my previous thoughts/points, you state which type of guy is she most likely to love and its obvious to me which one on a material basis but in all my messages I was really trying to assess or trying to believe that she loves me for me, for who I am, for the way I look, for the way I make love to her and not because I have taken her out of her dire straights - so how do I know that the love is pure and not just because of convenience, not just cos I rescued her?
I have only been searching for her true love not her appreciation for saving her - My ex-wife loved me altho she didn't show it very well and we had zero sex - for me its time in my life when I need to get the love and emotion from a partner that I have so been craving all my life not just the kinda turn it on and turn it off love like I had before.
I have already done enough for my gf and her family and village to have saved her and have even given her enough money not to have to ever work again - this was charity and to make sure she is safe but I am certainly not going to stay with her just because she suffered povety, crime, punishment etc etc if I am only being used as a safety net - I have done this for the past 15years plus and now deserve something back in my life.
Regardless of this (I am really only ranting here because I want to show the true reason why I am writing and its not because I want to change her, its because I want her love) she is showing me this currently and her love is pure - we will make it and she will be happy - seeing her happy makes me happy but most of all feeling that I am special to her not just from a material point of view is what makes me happier still.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 A lot of men are just so fixated on sex, they have a misguided belief that women are just hanging for it, and that the bigger the better, regardless. So wrong, this is so wrong. Who do you think a woman would be more likely to be in love with, a man who has a big dick and pays to use her body, how ever he likes, when ever he wants to, for whom she is just a vessel or an object,a sex toy if you will, designed only for his pleasure. Or would she be more likely to love a man who, regardless of the size of his appendage, pays off her debts, effectively rescuing her from a lifetime of ever increasing poverty and sex with multiple partners, no love involved, a man who shares the making of a baby with her.
I hope you can see past her past, and accept her for who she is now, I hope you and she can build a strong relationship together, I wish I had the words to explain why my heart bleeds for this girl and why my sympathies lie with her, we who have a good social security system, and financial safety nets in place can not begin to understand how precarious a life whe was living!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear All,
I continue to be amazed by the level of empathy, seriousness and absolute honesty that I get from this website.
Aunty BimBim, you are as direct as a bolt of ligthening, as abrasive as a diamond grinder and as accurate as a long distance sniper - I thank you for all of these.
This is really what I have be looking for, someone, a group of people, that can just see everything as clear as cystal and who can just say to me as it is - brilliant!
Funny enough over the past 2 days, following a huge bust up with my gf that almost finished us, we have had our best period since we met over 8 months ago. reading this is only going to enhance this positivity for us.
What a great question - 'what is it you want her to do'?
The answer which I now know is - just to love me. But until I read these messages I couldn't let myself believe that she was already doing that. I dont fully understand why I couldn't see it, I think it might be to do with the fact that I wasn't letting myself see it because I was so guarded against seeing it because I didn't want to be honest to myself that my own self esteem led me to those bars in the first place and I didn't want to admit to myself that I was happy with what I found and who I fell in love with but that my peers might not be.
I realise my biggest problem has been me - and mainly to do with standards and what society/peers would accept.
I now know that if I had to tell the truth about how I met my gf and what she did as a job I would have no problem, altho we have agreed for the sake of our future and to help her rebuild her life that we wouldn't tell a soul.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): There's no easy way out of this problem.
Most men just don't want to be with a woman who has been a prostitute or a major slut. We are psychologically designed not to want to treat this person like a wife.
You need to either completely accept it or leave her. Don't tell yourself that you will get over it later - you won't. Time does not heal this. You must find a way to heal it soon or do not expect to ever get over it.
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A
female
reader, Angela Sam  +, writes (28 October 2010):
I totally disagree that women in the Philippines usually go on this kind of sexual work, your GF's reasoning is not fair at all.
I agree with Aunty Bimbim
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 Man stop being so naive and self centred like a desperate high schoolboy.you knew her too well before you married her and got her pregnant with yo child.she joined the prostitute profesion because she wanted to put food on the table.you paid her out of it,so what now.stop doubting her, she loves u!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 I agree totally with Aunty Bim Bim. Come on, you're old enough to realize that sometimes people have to do things to survive. Some of us get into really bad situations and we do what we have to do. It isn't nice, it isn't pretty. Perhaps she truly felt she had no other way to survive. What the hell do you want from her? She can't go back, she can't change things. I do understand your feelings, I really do..but seriously..what can she do? It doesn't sound like you're going to be able to get past this, so maybe you should find someone "less used". Thankfully not everyone in the world is so judging, and there are some men that would be able to look past it. Obviously you're not one of them. And its ok..but you shouldn't be with this girl, because I don't think you can let go of her past.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (28 October 2010):
You say you beleive she should take responsibility for her actions, what do you think she should do?
A public confession?
A letter to the newspaper?
Stand up in front of your church's congregation and beg forgiveness?
What is it you want her to do?
Give up the child and return to her homeland?
What is it you need her to do to prove she loves you, you say you know she is trying but it isnt enough. Just what do you want from her.
She is normal, her way of earning money is not unusual for girls in Asian countries where it is hard to earn money and there is no social security system to fall back on.
You knew she was a sex worker when you met her. You knew she was a sex worker when you returned to the bar she worked in the second time.
You knew she was a sex worker when you returned yet again, and played sweet loves romantics by walking hand in hand on the beach.
You knew she was a sex worker when you paid her debts, effectively buying her out of the business.
You knew when you impregnated her with your child that she used to be a sex worker.
Now you are harping on about the size of other men's penis's and not measuring up. For God's sake, what do you want from this girl? She hasnt lied to you, she didnt mislead you, she is open and tells you working in the sex industry is normal for girls like her.
WTF do you want from her?
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (28 October 2010):
Wow mate, what a situation I feel for you! Well in most likely hood, she DOES love you, DOES feel it's special being with you intimately and DOES look only to the future and want to be with only you. But. None of that is really helping with the ultimate root of your problems in that this girl you love has shared herself with so many people, and that some of those guys had to be "statistically" better than you - physically. I can understand that.
How long has this been going on? I mean has it slowly been getting better over the weeks or months? Or do you feel it is not getting better at all? If you feel things are getting better (despite having some bad days) then I would stick with it. Love will conquer your bad feelings. Look her in the eyes when she is being adorable.. do you really judge what happened badly or do you just want to love her?
But if you feel you aren't making progress then maybe deciding to see a councillor (an experienced couples councillor - try looking at relate.org.uk) will help you overcome these feelings that are damaging your relationship?
I think it is really important to focus on the true "why" of the way you feel and think about what has happened. It's very easy to put morality on to things when it's to do with sexual promiscuity but more often than not, the truth is always much closer to home.
I hope you can work things out. If she is the right one for you; you will!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): First of all I want to correct the notion of what she did was NOT typical of what girls do in the Philippines or Singapore.
But I understand that its very difficult growing up as an orphan and not having a stable home base on which to build a life. Unfortunately, prostitution is considered by some as a way to earn enough to live.
I agree with your gf on 2 points:
1. The past is indeed the past.
2. A big penis is not all that.
On the first point, it sounds like she is trying to move on in life. I assume that she is no longer resorting to prostitution and is currently employed in a much safer environment? Aren't you happy about this?
Maybe your insecurities are getting in the way. If she slept with 10 guys in the past would u still feel this way?
I do agree with you that perhaps both of you need help together, as a couple.
On the second point, a guys with an "average" size penis with skills is waaay better than just a big penis going in and out. Using your tongue (going down on your gf) is also better than a boring big penis. And we all know than a tongue is a lot smaller than the avg penis!
I hope this helps.
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