A
female
age
41-50,
*licia
writes:Please don't judge me. I am in love with a married man and somehow I am failing to leave even though I have been told many times to do so. It has been fine until yesterday. His wife found a message from me on his phone telling him I love him. He told me and said he denied the affair when his wife asked. I felt like a piece of nothing, and horrible. He however called me and told me later that everything was fine and he is on good terms with his wife but we just need to be careful until things blow over.I told him that maybe we should end it but he is saying no we should carry on. Please don't judge me but I really love him and even though I feel like crap about what I'm doing in really love him and can't let go. Love is complicated. What should I do in such a complicated situation? Should I just leave it as is and if I meet someone new break this off? I'm 39 and I'm afraid I will never meet anybody.
View related questions:
affair, married man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2016): .....& btw at 39, of course you can meet someone!!! Be interesting, have a full life, exercise, look after yourself etc etc ..look good, be fun, have a hobby, or a new hobby, learn a language, go on a trip... anything! (without him!) if all you are doing is waiting for him your life could be on hold and you could become boring and sad, whereas if you develop yourself and your life outside of him, you will be amazed - you will look happy and healthy, have interests and friends and be attractive to others! I am not saying you won't still have feelings a be a bit sad but you can jump start yourself out of that and be in control of you cos it seems like he is a bit in control of you just now. A sad lonely mistress, on the other hand, is not a great state of affairs to be in
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2016): I am not going to judge you because who I am to judge-I am not in your skin & I know feelings & relationships can get complicated & I am sure you don't prey on married men on purpose etc etc .. (as some people do, for the thrill etc)
However, he is not free to give you what you need ie his open honest time amongst other things and he has a wife who deserves at least the chance to make her marriage work. If it doesn't work because the marriage is truly over, then surely, ideally, they should split up officially and only THEN should he look at other women as a viable option? Also he could be a bit weak...do you want a weak guy in your life??
As for his comment about things 'blowing over' it sounds as though he is not really taking the feelings of his wife seriously...it's a bit patronising imo, as if she is just making a little 'storm in a teacup'.
Honestly, I think if you carry on, you could damage your self esteem and eventually even get depressed, feeling like second best then you will attract the wrong people, married or single. At the moment he is having his cake and eating it and not planning on giving any of it up!!
If I were you I would try to connect with other people and meet other single men, even if it feels hard. He is just one guy in a big world of many and you might find that if you at least spend time with friends, away from him, meeting other people, you could be pleasantly surprised.
I had a short connection with a married man a while ago and whilst he seemed like a nice guy etc and we did not actually do anything .. it was more emotional & I nipped it in the bud when he started talking about sex... it was starting to make me feel a bit 'weird' and almost depressed. I really don't think it is healthy. You are free and he is not, so don't get dragged into his problems.
If you are truly meant to be with him, he and his wife will split up but he cannot carry on having both.
I am no expert and not a judge, as I said above but think of yourself, your health, your mental health, your self esteem. There is a big wide world out there full of interesting people who are free to spend time with you so at least try, for your own benefit. On the ethical side, I would say, yes, do think about the wife and how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Imagine that you were with him and you saw a text on his phone from another woman telling him that she loved him. It would hurt like bloody hell (excuse the terminology).
Be smart and be kind...to yourself and to his wife. If their marriage is over it will fail but let it happen without your help and if their marriage can be saved, it will survive and you will be relieved that you didn't try to split them up. He needs to man up and decide what he wants. Does he want his wife, still, nor not! By providing him with an outlet you are helping him not to decide about what to do with his own life. He is having it easy. Good luck. I hope you will be happy and healthy - I do get it that it's hard when emotions are involved but love yourself first and you may be surprised at what happens :) x
...............................
A
female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (7 February 2016):
 You want the truth?
Your easy to him, his wife will have the responsibility of everyday life, bills, work, taking care of the house and I'd imagine not giving him as much sex as she once was, but they still are.
You come along and give him as much sex as he wants, because that's all it to him. Which he proved by sparing her feelings and mocking you to her.
"She's obessed with me" she keeps trying it on with me." "I'm not interested in her" will be his lines to her, don't giving a dam about you, because if he did he would have left her and told her, but he didn't he loves her and wants his wife.
Wake up women! Your an escape, nothing more.
And your letting him use you!
Sorry but sugar coating it wouldn't help you.
My ex cheated on me and when I chucked him out, he still didn't want the other women, told me she was easy to him and he didn't want that.
So if he did leave her, knowing that he still wouldn't choose you, sorry but you need to wake up and find a man of your own!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2016): Don't ask people not to judge you while you wreck someone's home, my dear.
Part of helping you is telling you the truth. If it doesn't go down easy, too bad! It shouldn't! We're going to help you out of this. By giving it to you straight!
By telling you how wrong you are to destroy a couple joined in matrimony; when you have all the options you need waiting out there for you. Instead, you've decided you'd rather steal from someone else than take the time and effort to seek your own. Oh, you deserve to hear just how wrong it all is. Knowing full well you wouldn't want anyone cheating on you. He's not even yours. He's borrowed. He pretends nothing is going on. Play-acting the part of a loving and loyal husband, when he's a piece of sh*t!
Your rights are nil. Nothing, zero! You're the other woman.
How can you escape this love triangle? You use self-control and discipline yourself not to break rules and moral laws. Crossing moral lines and ethical boundaries that hurt others. Otherwise; there would be total chaos on this planet. Everyone just going at it willy-nilly and doing whatever their impulses tell them. If I can't have it, steal it.
He's lying to his wife, and you're in collusion. You shouldn't feel like a piece of nothing in a relationship.
You set him up, sending your messages in hope that his wife would find them. It was cruel and on purpose. You were deliberately trying to wreck an already broken marriage; while allowing yourself to be used for sex on the side. That's all it is.
Men like that don't leave their wives, they keep foolish women as mistresses to have access to a variety of sex partners; like he had it when he was single. He's bored with his marriage and his sex-life. He needs a lady willing to perform like a sex-worker on-call. A piece of ass on the side to feed his ego, and satisfy his sexual appetite when bored being a husband. An escape. A side-dish, just to spice up his life. It's all purely selfish. He does not love you. He uses you. He loves using you; because you make it easy.
Don't ask how to escape. You just do it. Your participation in it reflects on you as a woman. It damages your character, and eventually your karma catches up with you. There are moral consequences for everything we do in violation of the principles of life. Marriage is bonded through vows exchanged and legalized by a license. So you don't just decide to date someone's spouse, and causally say you just can't help it. Then someone should just walk into your home, take whatever they like; because they don't have it, and just couldn't help it?
Seriously?!!
Go find your own man. Don't be surprised how much it will hurt when someone does what you've done, and tries to take away someone you love. It must happen to remind you that you have to payback in someway. In order to prevent you from doing it again; and as moral restitution to his wife. Who had nothing to do with it at all. Your karma has already begun. Thus you're writing a post in agony, and feeling like crap.
He's a piece of dirt. Playing two women against each other.
Fowling his marriage with deceit and lying to his wife. You wait willingly, while he cleans up the manure you've poured onto his marriage by cheating; and lowering yourself to be used like you are. Yes, you will receive judgement for that. Nobody wants someone they love taken from them out of convenience, and just because another person decides they can. It's too much work finding your own single and available man; so why not just go take someone's husband? That's not how it works. What a sense of entitlement you must have, my dear! Remember, there's a wife and possibly children being hurt by this.
If you broke-up with him. He'd just go find himself a replacement. You have a function or use; like a tool or sex-toy.
You're just his playmate on the side; then he goes home to someone else. He soothes her and lies to her; so he can keep his deception going. Truth is, she knows about you and she hates the very air you breath. You're living like a thief, my dear. Don't let him do that to you.
Now place yourself in her shoes. See it from where she stands. Look what you're doing to a sister. Another female who knows the pain women suffer, because of shitty men. Left alone, she should have the opportunity to save her marriage and fight to save what she has. Otherwise; give it up, when she has exhausted all her options. The rights, which by law and decree, are morally all hers!
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (7 February 2016):
 No judgement here. I truly believe you don't choose who you love, only whether or not you act on it and to what extent.
Of course this man wants to carry on. He has a wife to keep him comfortable and taken care of at home, and you to provide the spice of secret extramarital sex. In fact you are probably helping him to stay in his marriage by providing the parts of a relationship that his marriage may not fully provide. No reason for him to leave - he has it all! But think about what that leaves you. You get a tiny fraction of his time; you are alone for the rest. You will grow old alone if you stay "with" him.
Wouldn't you rather be free to find someone who ONLY wants you? Who can meet your family, spend nights with you, grow old beside you?
Don't leave things as is. Break this off now, BEFORE you meet someone. Because when you meet someone who is really worthy of you (the married man is not), don't you want to be able to love him with your whole heart and start the relationship with a clean conscience? You can't do that if you're hanging on to this secret love affair right up until it's time to jump ship to a new relationship. You need time to heal, to move on, to think about what you want in a partner who is ALL yours.
Age is only a number. But you're not going to attract anyone new as long as your heart and mind belong to someone else, because right now you're not emotionally available for anyone new to connect WITH.
Do NOT take advice from the married man. He wants to keep you tied to him so you DON'T attract someone who can offer you more than the emotional table scraps he does, because he knows the current situation is a great deal for him and an awful one for you. When you fail to want better for yourself, to SEEK better for yourself, he has you exactly where he wants you. What a shame to waste any more of your life that way... so please don't. Let him go. Set yourself free to find someone who loves you wholeheartedly.
I hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes moving forward.
...............................
|
